If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

Nah, I know 100% for sure some adult relatives are autistic, who were never diagnosed. Yes, it tends to get "milder" with age BUT only because as adults we get more (or complete!) control of the surroundings/schedule/agenda, which minimises overload and meltdowns.

But nothing in the OPs post implies anything about your teens. You are projecting.

I think something people need to understand is that everyone masks. It's totally normal.

And not always easy. For some people who are introverts, it can be extremely tiring. I'm not autistic, but I am an extreme introvert in a job that is in many ways very social. I love it, but at the end of the day when I get home, I am truly wiped.

It's also very normal that people are not so good at this in childhood but improve over time, and I would say even well into adulthood.

I sometimes get the sense that many autistic people think this is a unique experience which others don't have to deal with. It's not. It can be more extreme in some cases, and about different things, but it's normal in and of itself.

I know it isn’t popular to break down autism into different types but very broadly speaking I can see 4:

1. Very profound and apparent early on. No language, little understanding, aggression, stimming, restricted eating, issues with sleep
2. What used to be called Asperger’s - very clever or focussed people with little social understanding who seemed older than their years but live a fairly normal life in many ways if able to pursue a passion. Black and white thinking, dependant on routines.
3. Late onset - teenagers diagnosed with ‘no signs’ previously where it manifests as a MH breakdown or sudden onset severe anxiety.
4. Other cases which have a mixture of traits from 3 and 4.

It’s 1 and 3 that I wonder about. 1 because it seems to have seen an enormous rise - if you search ‘non verbal child’ on here 95% of the threads are from the last 4 or 5 years alone. And 3 because toddlers don’t mask, so how has it stayed ‘hidden’ this long?

I was part of a research group because of my son. Simon Baron-Cohen was the principal consultant. For years I’d felt different but was clever, articulate and had a good career. I was just “unsociable, a misanthrope. The last one to arrive at the party and the first to leave.

What people didn’t see was what it took to get me to appear as “normal” ie. acceptable. I am funny, have a dry wit. I’m a fabulous mimic (early masking capability); I read books, then films/YouTube how to “be”. Not acting per se but certainly, rehearsing whole conversations before an event. I was late for EVERYTHING because I’d be procrastinating about how I could get away with not going. Sequences were my friend: songs, dialogue and number patterns in my head JUST to get me out the door. Alcohol was self medication in that if autism is like being the sober person in a room full of socially relaxed drinkers (as someone up thread said) then give me a glass of that! But, I needed a drink to do the most simple things. I knew I was different. I wanted desperately to fit; to be normal and for it to be “easier”.

Acfew years went by and my son had co-morbid ocd. The team who came to intervene (they visited our home daily). The Dr (part of the team) interviewed me and suggested that I too may be “on the spectrum”.

I was referred. Diagnosed.

You don't think Gen X questioned authority?

I think they tend to be borderline cynical about it.

Millennials, I might agree.

But you’re masking without all the additional challenges autistic people have on top and you’re not masking to the extent autistic people do.

My adhd has got worse with age.

I hate this definition so much 😂 I'm born in 1980. I am a Gen X Millenial.

How do you know this though everyone is different nt or nd

Adhd can definitely lessen/disappear by mid 20s if you are diagnosed as a child but conversely can exacerbate for some women during peri/menopause. The impact of hormones is enormous. I have friends who were convinced they had ADHD (no history of any traits previously) and its been menopause.

Also, I was a late speaker. My sister spoke for both of us. I copied speech and appeared older than I was (echolalia). I loved routine. I went to ballet school aged 10 as a boarder and loved that three or four times a day, classes happened in the same routine. Warm up. Barre (plié, tendu, battement frappe, grand battement etc, on and on). I had friends at school because we were hothouse flowers doing one thing and one thing only. When I came home I was again, pretty much mute.

No my dc have got worse through teens . I’ve had it all my life and it has impacted my life hugely. Unfortunately it has got significantly worse
in the past 2 decades.

Because NT people don’t end up in hospital as a result of masking, don’t have their careers,jobs and relationships seriously impacted and they don’t need to be under services for mental health struggles as a result of it.They also don’t have an autism or adhd diagnosis with masking described as having a significant impact on life.

ADHD is hugely affected by hormones in women. It’s also often exacerbated by the fact that women often end up expected to ‘run’ their family, putting great pressure on executive functioning, leading to burn out. Enough is said about the mental load in general but being expected to do all that plus keep a household ticking over when you find so many aspects of it challenging doesn’t leave much space for decompressing.

I'm sorry to hear that. My dc grew out of his, just as our consultant said he might.

Everyone is different I guess.

Speaking very generally, the perception that people grow out of ADHD is modelled on boys.

@B33sandTr33s,

Because NT people don’t end up in hospital as a result of masking, don’t have their careers,jobs and relationships seriously impacted and they don’t need to be under services for mental health struggles as a result of it.

Any NT person can become mentally unwell. Which can result in hospital if severe enough. They can go through trauma and suffer from PTSD, they can become depressed, they can suffer from anxiety and stress, they can suffer physical injury / illness and subsequently become mentally unwell. If NT means someone never gets ill or copes badly with any life event then where are these NT people?

A lot of nt with mh problems absolutely do

I’m aware NT can end up in hospital with MH issues but you were talking about masking not MH problems. It’s a fact serious MH struggles are common with ND. Depression, anxiety and Anorexia is now linked to it. Masking can cause a lot of this.

But NT people do mask everyday especially is they have a mental illness. Masking isn't just a thing ND people do. How to you think people with anxiety disorders and depression leave the house , go to work take their children to school.

This is interesting. I confess I’ve never looked into it but I am interested; I’ve always thought (believed / been told) that autism was a spectrum. Can you point me to info about it being more binary? I’d be interested to read. Thank you 🙏

I sometimes wonder the line between learning to discipline oneself and masking.

Masking, yes, is concealing your real self. But self discipline is learning to control your impulses and urges which might not be beneficial.

I can see there might be crossover. However, self discipline is beneficial and masking is said to be detrimental in that it takes a mental toll. Although self discipline can be tiring until mastered.

So where is the dividing line?

ND people have their ND on top of normal stresses and MH struggles. Their MH struggles will often be harder to treat deal and they mask far more and in far more extreme ways. www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking

This is the last comment I'm going to make on this thread - I'm going to attempt to hide it and ignore it after this.

But all of the people on here scoffing at the notion of neurodivergence and our different life experiences, I'm imploring you to just stop and think about this, just for a moment.

The latest research is suggesting there are observable differences in the ND brain. Our brain quite literally works in a different way to the NT population.

For those of us properly diagnosed, contrary to what you think, it wasn't given out easily.

Imagine having a health condition which affects every aspect of your life. Which is universally recognised and accepted by doctors, and for which you have been formally diagnosed. It makes life difficult for you in many ways but you keep going, struggling to manage what other people do. But somehow you do it, even though it might take everything you have.

And now imagine reading thread after thread after thread of posts from laypeople, all of whom are suggesting that your differences are make believe. That actually you're no different to them, and that the enormous struggles you face every day simply don't exist.

Can you actually imagine what that's like?

Of course not all NT people have life easy. No one said otherwise. But many of us have the same difficulties that NT people have, but have neurodivergence as well.

Of course NT people can be introverts.

Of course NT people can have shitty mental health.

Of course NT people can dislike noise.

And so on.

But none of those things are the same as neurodivergence.

My mum has cerebral palsy. She struggles to walk and has poor balance. It would be like me saying to her "yeah, I get a bit tired walking too, and sometimes I get dizzy as well if I haven't eaten."

It's not the same thing.

And it's incredibly trivialising to suggest that a whole group of people who have had to meet the clinical threshold for diagnosis actually don't have any disability or differences.

Our brains quite literally aren't the same as yours. I don't why so many people have an issue acknowledging the fact that neurodivergence exists, or that we don't experience the world in the same way. I know sometimes it's meant in good faith, as a way of trying to empathise, but on this thread and in the vast majority of times, it's definitely intended as a way of dismissing what we're saying we experience. There has historically been a real lack of credibility given to autistic voices - and that's what I'm seeing again here.

Just really think about what you're saying. Please. Put another health condition or disability in the place of autism, and see if you'd dismiss it in the same way....the chances are that you wouldn't, so please don't do it to us.