If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

@TheBirdintheCave yes! When I come across situations that I haven't consciously watched and made a mental blueprint for, I'm lost.

I trick myself into thinking I've learned socialising, then realise that I socialise in very specific ways - work, talking about work related subjects, or quite specialised hobbies. Then I go to someone's leaving do and stand awkwardly with no idea how to keep a conversation going.

I saw a comedian who described being autistic is like being sober in a room full of drunk people and that resonated with me - the feeling of never quite getting it, never feeling relaxed in company, the feeling of not being on the same level.

I don't have children (my choice) and though I didn't know I was autistic back then, I think a large part of that was knowing that I need a lot of downtime and that I probably wouldn't cope well being a parent. I might appear to be someone who copes fine being autistic, but it has limited me in all sorts of ways and I suspect there are many others in the same boat.

If someone comes into a room and asks what you are watching on TV, they don't want a description of what you are watching, they are asking to join you

Maybe... but surely this isn't normally the case? Unless I've also been misunderstanding this my whole life. If I asked someone what they were watching I'd expect them to describe what they were watching.

My DSs weren't diagnosed in UK so there may be a different system, we get a tax credit due to the diagnosis and had to fill out forms for this including diagnostic reports. One element of the form said the child must have a condition debilitating enough to be incapable of independence even in adulthood, I can't remember the exact phrasing. This sentence was quite devastating to us, our child was 3. I didn't fill in the form for a while as I felt it wasn't for our particular needs, thinking there might be alternative version. We queried it with the Dr who confirmed yes there is one form and it covers all autism diagnoses. I guess the point I'm making it the negative language around diagnosis time doesn't help, who knows how any 3 yr old will grow and develop. It could lead to a parent lowering their expectations significantly or even giving up on a child. @BallaiLuimni put it very well above.

My DS 16 is one of those where autism has become almost invisible, lucky us, but I recently bumped into someone I befriended at that time in a autism playgroup and her DS remains non verbal. We both started with the same diagnosis yet our experiences are incomparable. Both young men still have potential to grow but we are now looking at completing different paths. Had I believed that my DS was the same then maybe we wouldn't have encouraged him and signed him up for lots of activities and spent time helping him when he struggled. Second children with autism are really at risk of a negative attitude impacting their potential.

So you’re saying psychiatrists aren’t qualified to diagnose. Wow. Aside from the fact it is an entire team and ADOS which diagnose my DD’s psych has worked with her for several years so knew her well. In addition she did several weekly diagnostic sessions and took info and made the diagnosis with her 2x therapists, out reach team and Ed nurse. We did a lengthy dev history document and sessions and she had an ADOS. I think it’s safe to say her diagnosis is pretty reliable. 🙄

That’s a totally normal way to feel. I’m NT and I get it, virtually everyone I know has expressed some form of annoyance or awkwardness at socialising with people they barely know.

Neurodivergent conditions like autism and ADHD are due to hardwired differences in the brain structure. Its symptoms can be masked to some degree, but people who really do have these things will always have them.

I do understand where you're coming from but you can't grow out of it. I felt like I'd grow out of it from the age of around 30 to 40 but at 50 it's more prevelent than ever. I'm at the point of pretty much shutting down, no socialising etc because I just can't cope with it. The menopause seems to make symptoms worse.

When my sister and brother were young (80s), it was very rare to get an ASD diagnosis, especially if you were female. Equally there definitely were no diagnoses for people like my Dad, a highly qualified engineer, married with a family. You only get a diagnosis when you realise there are parts of life you struggle with, like staying in college, holding down a job, holding down a relationship etc. My Mum was a teacher and only suspected my brother was ASD when she was sent on a course, it took her longer to suspect my sister.

I just put it out there as a small example in over 40 years of a close relationship that show how differently people think and process the world.

Exactly. I think it's statements like this that lead a lot of people to think "well I must be autistic too then".

I'm going to put my hard hat on for this one but I'm genuinely interested in how autistic women enjoy motherhood. I don't have an autism diagnosis but I'm very sensitive to noise and my surroundings. Crying and screaming and mess and being touched all the time sounds like my personal hell. Then add the requirement to spend time with teachers, mums, doctors etc that you don't know. Plus the fact there's no escape, you can't just quit and say "nope I can't do this anymore sorry". It sounds like a recipe for disaster for me.

The reason I ask is because maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are lots of women like me who absolutely love it and I'm missing out big time?

People can outgrow autism. You can also train yourself and correct your symptoms.

I have major sensory issues that prevent me from being able to hug my family. But I wanted to do a certain martial arts, so I pushed and pushed myself to be able to be in extended physical contact with sweaty smelly strangers.

People train themselves out of harmful stims. People train themselves to get to places on time. Plenty of people have overcome the struggles that autism gave them. Plenty of people are unable to do so. Plenty, like myself, give themselves a myriad of mental health disorders in the attempt to do so. None are less than the others.

Autisim is an intrinsic difficulty, it doesn't mean you CANT do something. It means it's harder for you.

Your experience is not less than anybody else's. We don't all need to be the same, autism is a spectrum.

@Rainbowsponge sorry but I don't think you're getting it. Being autistic is not annoyance or awkwardness. I mean, we experience that too, but that's a good day...

For me, going into a social situation without a blueprint and rehearsed phrases is like putting me in front of a broken computer and telling me to fix it. I literally can't think what to do, it feels like an entirely new situation. I can't transfer knowledge about similar situations. If it's really bad, I shutdown to the extent I find it physically difficult to speak.

I'm what some people would know as 'high functioning' ie work full time, live independently. It is far more debilitating than being a bit nervous about new people.

Maybe some of it is also cultural. For me I don't want a description, I just want to know if is something I want to sit down and join. This is just a tiny window in the way me and my sister see the world differently. She is absolutely literal, you have to be utterly clear in what she needs to do and how she should do it. Never assume she will know the next step unless you tell her. Which is why she found Uni a struggle and dealing with benefits and loans etc. Now I act as her support for that stuff.

We didn't have a choice. DS7 couldn't be in a classroom. We didn't know why because he was fine at home. A paediatrician suspected autism. His new school thought they'd manage better if they knew for certain if he was autistic or not.

I mean, yeah, I could have homeschooled him, I suppose, to avoid a diagnostic label, but I thought he'd be better off in school with a diagnosis. Also, statistically, the significance of a diagnosis is changing from when I (and presumably you) were children. A third of adults over 35 with diagnoses have learning disabilities. That's down to 1 in 10 among kids under 10.

We had a couple of situations before our DS were diagnosed where healthcare professionals 'internet diagnosed' autism in DH and I in their private notes and it caused (temporary) problems for us. At the time, we were highly offended/insulted by the suggestion that we might be autistic. We now assume those people had autism experience and wrote some gossipy notes for colleagues in an attempt to be helpful, not realising how much stigma it has.

Neurodivergent conditions like autism and ADHD are due to hardwired differences in the brain structure. Its symptoms can be masked to some degree, but people who really do have these things will always have them.

@CowboyJoanna, I am not sure enough is known to say anything is 'hardwired'. People with brain injuries can recover and relearn. What usually happens is neural pathways are re-routed. Even what was thought of as genetic traits are often meta stable. Given the right stimulus genetic 'switches' can be turned on and off as has been shown in the studies of epigenetics.

You have more control over your life as an adult than a child, which can be misinterpreted as growing out of autism. For example, I had major sensory issues over clothing as a child. Daily meltdowns over having to get dressed. I don't have that issue anymore, haven't for decades. Have I grown out of it or do I just choose my own clothes now and only buy stuff that feels right?

Thanks for starting this thread OP- super interesting topic and lots of insightful posts.

To add my perspective- my younger sister has autism which affected her severely as a child. She went to a secondary special needs school. I could give you many many examples of things she couldn’t manage. One example is food- she ate only three foods for many years and had sensory issues with everything else. Clothes- couldn’t wear things that hurt her (sensory issues with tags, waistbands, elastics etc). Just two examples of really basic things that she couldn’t manage.

With age, she can live in society much better now. I’d say her symptoms/ behaviours have massively improved and she is better in herself. She holds down a job and was extremely successful academically. She has friends and owns her own flat where she manages all the usual daily tasks alone. Whats more she is happy and comfortable in her own skin.

I have spoken to her about masking. She has confirmed she isn’t just masking behaviours- she genuinely has changed.

None of us could have ever predicted this when she was a child- as I said she had serious enough symptoms to go to a state special needs school.

Im very happy this has happened, but I cannot explain why. We’re told autism is a lifelong neurodiversity which I agree with. She definitely still meets the criteria but she can live in society in comfort - a « normal » life.

More studies need to be done I think. But her life mirrors yours- a definite and marked improvement in how to do life as she has become older.

We have several older family members who are clearly autistic but were never diagnosed and would never ever think of it for themselves (and ironically this can lead to big clashes with the many autistic children also in the family as there are competing needs). One in particular has had a very challenging life and today would have been diagnosed in childhood very quickly.

One consequence of this has been members of the older generation being very sceptical of diagnoses for the younger ones as ‘they’re just normal children’. Because autistic behaviours ARE normal to them. It’s interesting to see, as well as frustrating.

I definitely read somewhere that symptoms of ADHD can lessen as a person gets older. However, this simply is not the case with autism although autistic people may get better at masking and obviously we all learn valuable life lessons, to a degree, as we age.

Surely it depends which ones. NT social communication can be learned. Annoying noises remain annoying.

I wonder why people are invested in believing the symptoms of autism can never really be overcome?

Is it to ensure others are always supportive?

What about if people are supportive of other's difficulties regardless but still allow for the hope of the development of skills and abilities which people might find incredibly challenging to start with? Is that not a better perspective?

Well said @heyhohello I agree.

Thank you @Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong

I can see why you might think it's incorrect.

That doesn't make it offensive. It's not implying anything rude about anyone.

Maybe, you’ve been lucky. You’ve grown up in a different world where others have been accommodating of your idiosyncrasies. Maybe, they were similar to you. Maybe, people didn’t think you were unusual. Maybe not, I’ve no idea.

ASD affecting day to day existence is different for for different people.