To be confused by DH’s bedside manner

[Shreddedpolitics]

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 10, with two kids. We have a good equal marriage, share housework and childcare. He’s a great dad very hands on, a genuinely nice guy, very thoughtful. Which makes his attitude to illness even harder to fathom.

I’ve been floored this week by flu, and he has stepped up, picked up the slack alongside work. However, although he asks how I am, there’s no sympathy at all, just practical suggestions - why don’t I take this medication, or next year I should look into getting a flu jab (like he did). The general tone is, why aren’t I just getting on with it, when what I need is TLC and some sympathy.

This mirrors his own attitude to illness. He’s only ever had one day off sick (for surgery), even when he was laid low with covid - he just worked from home. Even when he had a minor op he insisted that it was done under local anaesthetic so he could return to work the next day.

Maybe I’m just being needy, but it just seems so at odds with how he is generally.

AIBU?

For a lot of people showing sympathy presents as offering suggestions to help you cope/prevent it happening to you again. It’s just a communication style.

Yes I think YABU
He's stepped up and he is saying if you feel ill take medication before/instead of complaining...that's perfectly reasonable.
When one person is sick the other person also suffers picking up the load.

My husband is the same. His way of showing sympathy is to do practical things.

My DH was never especially sympathetic but he loved taking my temperature and writing it on a chart. He gamely dealt with DD1 and the household generally as long as he could take my readings every so often.

Many men depend on 'practical' and are not much for sympathy.

I'm like that if dh is ill...practical. Equally I don't want fuss.

YABU, that’s just go some people provide support - im exactly like that! Surely it’s best he’s picked up kids stuff etc

I think YABU, a bit. He is asking you how you’re feeling and he’s picked up the slack so you can get some rest. He isn’t expecting you to carry on as usual. His practical suggestions (which are sensible) are his way of helping - some people are better at trying to solve/alleviate a problem on a practical level than they are at nodding sympathetically and saying “There, there, you poor thing, how awful for you”. It doesn’t mean they don’t care - they just show it in a practical way.

YABU. What are you wanting exactly? I'd much rather have practical help than someone fussing and commiserating!

DH likes to wallow in illness, I can't be bothered I've got things to get on with, so I would do as your DH does pick up the slack, bring hot drinks, check in occasionally, but he's not getting kids of oh poor you and pillow fluffing. It's a cold it will pass.

If he’s stepping up and giving you the chance to rest, I wouldn’t worry to much about bedside manner. Esp if he’s like this with himself too.

Im more of a practical suggestions person, not very good at just sympathy.

It’s not lack of caring, it’s just how I help - in my mind that’s the most useful thing to do and I cant really do “oh there there” - I find it hard even with the kids - I default to wanting to problem solve I think.

He sounds like how I am. If DH is ill I'll get him all the medication he wants etc and allow him all the rest he needs and maybe an occasional "sounds rough" comment but the helping is me being sympathetic and that's how he is with me too.

I wouldn't be fussing round him asking if he's OK all the time and I wouldn't expect him to fuss over me either. Practical support all the way over platitudes.

I would like a bit of TLC too, but at least he isn't being like this when you are ill, then being very annoying and needy when he is ill. He is being consistent. Not much consolation though 💐

I'm not good at sympathy when DH is ill. I also don't expect sympathy when I'm ill, I'd rather just be left alone til I feel better.

Sometimes there are people who are not mind-readers! Tell him: "I am really grateful for all you are doing, but I would dearly love a cuddle and a bit of sympathy!"

Hope you will be feeling better soon; and booking your flu jab for the autumn!

I'm ill at the moment and totally understand wanting a handhold... but he is doing everything you need him too, practically, and far more than many other husbands we hear about on here do.

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself - but also appreciate everything that he is doing.

It sucks being ill when you're a grown up and you realise that nobody is going to baby you

Attitudes to ill health are, I think, formed pretty early.

I had a conversation with a dear friend about this. She's what I would say someone who enjoys ill health. I'm the opposite. The conversation was around why we had very different attitudes to illness. I'm very much like your husband. If I'm ill I want, indeed, need to be left alone. My friend wants, needs, people to demonstrate their caring.

We decided it was to do with our childhood. If I were ill as a child, the answer was, go to bed, if you're too ill to go to school, you're too ill to have any form of entertainment. My friends family, on the other hand, was all poor you, let me coddle you.

Neither of us thought either approach was wrong.
Both of us carried our family a attitude into later life. If your partner is usually kind and thoughtful, maybe he's just mirroring what he learned?

I'm very much the same as your DH. More than happy to provide practical advice and the odd drink/snack and take on all the housework. I don't particularly want to snuggle up to someone sick, and I can't stand anyone near me when I'm feeling ill.

Thanks all - I think I do need to communicate with him a bit more about it but I do accept he’s helping in his own way. I’m probably just a bit emotional!

He definitely no loss to the nursing profession - brusque doesn’t quite describe it, but I’ve not had to worry about childcare or the house so that’s really helped.

It’s been that long since I’ve been laid out by something, I’d forgotten that he could be like this!

Do you make it very obvious what you’re looking for from him or do you kind of hide it and expect him to just know what to do? If you’re feeling a bit needy then express that, tell him what you need (in a gentle way).

It depends on what you mean by TLC and sympathy really. When me or husband have a lurgy it's arms length don't come near me. I like to be left alone to get on with it. If everything needed to run the house is taken care of them it's happy days.

If he wanted to sit by my bed and hold my hand I think I'd want to clunk him one

Is he checking on you sometimes, bringing you medication, drinks, food (if you want it)? accepting that you feel so unwell you need to be off sick & rest in bed?

If so then YABU.

Agree, he's done nothing wrong but you are looking for an issue.
Also , if he doesn't even bother about him self then you shouldn't take it so personally. It's how he is.

My family was like @user1471453601 We were looked after, if ill, in a caring (though distant) & practical way, but strongly discouraged from time off school (parents worked full time in NHS). If DH is ill I am practical but not much for ‘TLC’. If DC are ill I’ll similarly focus on practicalities, but with more soothing & hugs!

YABU and very needy. He is picking up the slack, you’ve not had to worry about the DC, he’s still been going to work, he’s asked you how you are, he’s suggested medicine to you. Sounds like he’s being very helpful and doing everything he can so you can get plenty of rest. Unless you want him to stop doing all those things and sit at your bedside stroking your hair lol

It's not a lot different to how I'd treat DP: I'll keep you alive, along with anything else that requires it in the house, but when it was something that could have been avoided through vaccination, there's a distinct shortage of sympathy or brow mopping. I'm in my element with injuries, tbh.

Fortunately, he's from farming stock, so being fussed over isn't an expectation - as he puts it 'we can all tell if it's something serious, you know - you start being nice and then an ambulance appears outside'.