To be confused by DH’s bedside manner

[Shreddedpolitics]

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 10, with two kids. We have a good equal marriage, share housework and childcare. He’s a great dad very hands on, a genuinely nice guy, very thoughtful. Which makes his attitude to illness even harder to fathom.

I’ve been floored this week by flu, and he has stepped up, picked up the slack alongside work. However, although he asks how I am, there’s no sympathy at all, just practical suggestions - why don’t I take this medication, or next year I should look into getting a flu jab (like he did). The general tone is, why aren’t I just getting on with it, when what I need is TLC and some sympathy.

This mirrors his own attitude to illness. He’s only ever had one day off sick (for surgery), even when he was laid low with covid - he just worked from home. Even when he had a minor op he insisted that it was done under local anaesthetic so he could return to work the next day.

Maybe I’m just being needy, but it just seems so at odds with how he is generally.

AIBU?

I'm not particularly sympathetic when people are unwell. I help in practical ways but other than saying get well soon, I don't know what else people would need in terms of emotional support for a basic illness. I dont want a fuss when I'm unwell and prefer to be left alone.

I'm the same, although it's probably linked to work, if I've been dealing with death and very unwell/incapacitated people all day, I don't have much space for a cold bug.

I really understood my DHs approach to me being ill when I asked him and mil about how he was treated when he was ill as a child: it was very much a get on with it approach.

I've had what I assume is Covid since Friday and I'm glad dh was at work from Sunday!! He leaves at 5 and returns at 7pm so it's a long day but I'm better alone.

I think YABU slightly.
You have said he has stepped up which is what you need.
I have noticed I'm not overly sympathetic when someone is ill, it's not that I don't believe them or think they are not ill it's just I go into to practical mode, like your husband.
I get that it may come across as being unsympathetic but it really isn't intended to be like that

If my DH got the flu after not getting a flu jab I can’t say I would be overly impressed.

It sounds like he doesn't like a lot of fuss and bother when he's ill and so he treats you the same! At least he does all the practical stuff 😊

Many people see a problem and want to fix it. Particularly men, but many women to , me included!

he’s seeing you have a problem. You’re poorly. The normal way things are done at home is disrupted. You’re disrupted! He’s stepping up and doing what’s needed, but he wants to fix the root cause too. That’s trying to prevent it happening agian. And all jolly good ideas they are too. Well done him 🙄

you need to explain to him, thanks for all the sugg stiobs n how to prevent it in future, or what he thinks you should do. But right now you need a little bit of love, not a root cause analysis and solutions to prevent it happening again. Right now you feel shit, and you’d just like him to give you the space to be ill, and acknowledge it’s not nice for you. Reassure him a bit of empathy (its empathy not sympathy you need) won’t turn you into a martyr or hypochondriac in the future. But right now you just want a bit of simple love - words, touch and hugs 🤗

🤯 most of us don’t qualify for flu jabs this year, or last.

of course we then get flu.

and same with covid

its 2 years since I was given my last Covid jab-had Covid twice since then and last time it was bloody awful

I don’t know where you live or your age , but if in England do inform yourself of just who does get these vaccines currently and stop being so judgy

You both sound very similar to me and my DH... we both work and communicate differently, and that neither is wrong, its just a different way of functioning!

When one of us is down about something, we now ask each other "do you want comfort, or solutions?"

Mine is generally 'comfort' - I am practical enough and can always logically find a solution, I just need some TLC to put a smile on my face and give me the enthusiasm to work it through. DH is generally 'solutions' - he doesn't associate sympathy to giving a cuddle or anything like that, and finds sharing ideas to solve the issue much more useful.

Again... neither wrong, just different personalities!

Healthcare workers I think can sometimes struggle a bit more with the gushy sympathy role I think. I get somewhat sympathied-out at times for coughs/colds or general stressing at things (like the old couple whining their heads off at delays in an airport queue to a lovely holiday when I'd spent most of the day doing cpr on a small child). Nearly everything I see at work as an anaesthetist/icu Dr is far worse than I encounter in my home life thankfully so I probably am a little less tolerant than I should be. I force myself to cope with illness though beyond covid isolation I've only had 2 sick days in 10y with actual flu that floored me to barely walking upstairs. Sorry v much a ramble but my first suggestions will always be practical on what meds have you taken to help?
Hugs it's crap being ill. I'd recommend just asking outright for what you want like a hug^^

Ouch! He definitely no loss to the nursing profession? And you say he's brusque?!
So did he have bad practice? Put people's lives at risk? Or just not Florence Nightingale enough?
Does he know you have such a low opinion of him?

I don’t have a low opinion of him - he’s a wonderful man. He’s not a nurse, that was said in jest.

When you're healthier, it might be fun to do the "love languages" test with him. You might just have very different ways and priorities around expressing love and sympathy, and knowing will help you both adapt and compromise.

DH is the same but as long as DD is cared for and the house keeps running I'm happy to wallow alone.