MIL and weaning

[ThatGutsyHedgehog]

I have a 6 month old and we’ve just started weaning taking it slow with veg and fruit so far and he’s enjoying it!
Went to see MIL the other day who served cake DS obviously tried to grab some and I made a jokey comment “that’s not for you DS we’ve got some banana later” and distracting with a toy.
She made a very clear unhappy face and it was clear she felt he should be allowed some cake.
My plan is to not introduce sugary food until much later in line with NHS and WHO advise.

Shes very much a feeder her husband is very over weight with health problems and DH was fed unhealthy as a child.

Shes not providing childcare but desperate for alone time with DS but I really don’t trust she won’t feed him rubbish

When she dog sat before despite us asking multiple times over the years not to give dog treats as she’d been getting overweight she still does. It doesn’t seem to matter how often we say not to she still does and when she comes over she gives our dog big treats without asking. So she definitely has proven she won’t follow instructions.

AIBU to get firm with her if needed when saying no and not agreeing to alone time and having all visits as family visits?

Any helpful tips on how to manage the situation?

Well I really don't think a tiny bit of cake would have hurt and I wouldn't be restricting my son to not being able to be looked after by someone who loves him unless they were actually a danger but he's your kid and you make the rules and that's the end of the story. What does your husband think?

Just tell her that you don’t want him to have sugar, and if she tries to give him cake or sweets, then unfortunately you won’t be able to bring her grandchild to visit her. I’m afraid in this circumstance you have to make it crystal clear what your expectations are. My own DM wouldn’t be told and gave my children sweets and chocolates when I had made it very clear I didn’t want them to have them, so of course after that, they wanted them. There is no subtle way of telling your MIL, unfortunately, especially if she takes the attitude of “it was fine for DH when he was a boy”. She has form with the dog treats - so I would keep an eye on your DS, and wait until he’s a little older before you let him go to MILs on his own, because she will give him sweet treats, so it’s up to you when you are prepared to let him have them.

I don't think a small amount of cake at that age will do any harm, but I also think you have a problem in that she won't listen to your preferences as a parent. What does your DH think?

For now be bright and cheery and laugh at the ridiculous idea of a 6 month old having sugar. Once he's a bit older I don't think it's worth arguing over. A little cake won't harm a 1 year old. It depends how often she sees him. If it's once a week for an hour or 2 then it's not a big deal. If she's looking after him single handed 3 days a week then you will have to be confident she will stick to a sensible amount of cake. Otherwise you might have to limit contact. But I wouldn't start a row over it if she's otherwise kind and loving.

To answer what DH thinks he’s concerned about it too

He was diagnosed with a serious health condition caused by diet and has been on a strict diet and has told his mum this. She still
buys him lots of unhealthy foods and gets offended if he won’t accept them. This is on a regular basis

At 6 months baby can eat anything you can (except honey, whole nuts, shellfish). There's no need to limit food to fruit and veg. A little bit of cake is not going to cause lifelong health issues.

Limiting grandparents to supervised contact is a completely overreaction. I get that this is your PFB but this is not a hill to die on.

I think that having foods you can and can’t eat cause problems in the future. All in moderation and sensible portions.

Ok, so I was ready to say YABU because a bit of cake is fine. BUT, I don't think you are.

It sounds like your MIL has major food issues and I feel like if you allowed cake then it would forever be thrown back in your face.

I would just not leave baby alone with them tbh.

This

My husband and I have looked after our grandson quite a lot, and respected his parents' wishes not to give him cake and biscuits. We give him fruit and/or yogurt instead

Yes, usually I'm all for a bit of grandparent spoiling but this is clearly going to be a much bigger problem than the norm of an ice-cream and a few haribos on a day out.

Keep saying no. She's a feeder - it's a form of control, especially when declining triggers sad face and poor me.

Have your statement and repeat it. No, because ...

And what is this 'alone time with someone else's baby' demand that seems to have become a thing??

If you can’t trust her with your dog even when you are around - certainly wouldn’t trust her with your child…

She has food issues and zero respect for your preferences or boundaries.

Cake really isn't necessary first food for a 6 month old baby ! And the mil should respect the mother's instructions

Cake also contains multiple allergens which should be introduced individually

So … she didn’t day anything, or attempt to feed DS anything sugary - you assume she’s going to do this.

If DS is hardly ever with her, on his own, I doubt she cab give him enough sugar to cause any damage … unless she is feeding him sugar lumps.

How long are you considering keeping up the “no alone visits, due to sugar worries” ?

Nhs advice is to give all major allergens early and regularly. By 6 months old babies also been food with iron in them.

@Badassbreastfeeder85 that’s very outdated advice. Unless there is a family history of allergies.

I thought I was the only one thinking all this sudden demanding of ‘alone time’ by family members was weird.

What do they want ‘alone time’ for? What are they going to do with the kid that they can’t do during a nice family visit with the parents there to do the hard work?

Mine certainly had cake around that age, also were eating toast, egg, meat, cheese. A wide variety is suggested

To answer both you and @JFDIYOLO i really don’t know honestly my visits to grandparents were always as a family and they would babysit me when my parents asked.
She’s been asking for alone time since he was 8 weeks old - I told her no at the time I wasn’t ready and he is EBF! Her answer was to ask DH behind my back and when that didn’t work to consistently bring it up since :/

Let her feed your baby a tiny bit of cake.

Don't let her look after your baby or your dog unsupervised.

A wide variety can be many things but it's strongly advised that processed sugar isn't introduced until weaning has been established. Generally avoid heavily processed junk.

@ThatGutsyHedgehog your MIL needs to respect your wishes. My MIl also used to feed our dog crap like cream cakes until one day my DH yelled at her!

If she can't respect your boundaries then she shouldn't be looking after the baby on her own. She's had her chance to do it her way and this is your baby, not hers.

About the weaning he’s been introduced to fruit and veg currently but introducing dairy tomorrow and will be introducing allergens early and often.
Plus introducing iron rich food- he’s been loving avocado! Not so sure on spinach at the moment though! Will introduce a variety for sure thank you!

No need for 'alone time' at all - I mean WTF is that all about?

How do you get on with your MIL and do you care about your relationship with her? If you're ambivalent about it, then go ahead and tell her that times have changed and her preference for High Processed Foods is a problem as you have no intention of feeding your child poison.

I completely understand why a grandparent would want time with their grandchild without anyone else around because that is likely to be when the most bonding happens. My kids are adults now and I would probably have found it weird if grandparents had pressured me to leave my babies with them against my will. Looking back, the time that grandparents spent babysitting when my dc were older is undoubtedly what cemented their relationships and that is a great thing for everyone involved.

However, you can’t be expected to leave your child with someone you can’t trust to follow your rules. I would be relaxed about grandma spoiling children with treats on occasions, but not until much older than your baby OP.

And what is this 'alone time with someone else's baby' demand that seems to have become a thing??

Took the words out of my mouth.
It needs to stop being a thing.