To be paranoid/puzzled when unfriended on facebook

[ihateminecraft]

Yes, I know I'm being unreasonable and Facebook is crap really but it still hurts sometimes.

I don't get unfriended often & I know I'm not annoying on fb. I don't post that often, average 2-3 times a month, don't share crap memes, political rants etc, just an occasional post of what I've been up to. Usually when it happens it's understandable. For example, ex-husband of friend who deleted most of "her" friends when they split or someone who was never more than an acquaintance & I haven't seen or interacted with for years. I've never unfriended anyone, if I find someone annoying or boring I unfollow them instead.

However, sometimes I feel puzzled & a little paranoid. A friend of DH's unfriended me. We don't see him often but there are still occasions when we'll be together as a crowd. Tbh I've never liked him much, he has zero sense of humour, can be a bit standoffish & takes offence easily. Chances are I've done something minor, such as not liked one of his rants or not wished him happy birthday, so not too worried about him really but a bit irked iyswim.

However, I just noticed a mum I knew at DC's primary has unfriended me. Our DC's are all post high school now. I bump into her locally from time to time and & we interact occasionally on fb (we have ASD kids in common). I wouldn't be offended if I saw she'd unfriended everyone from the primary days but she hasn't (we have at least a dozen mutual friends). My dad died a few weeks ago and she offered condolences which I thanked her for but she must have unfriended shortly after. I've only posted a couple of time since. I did go on a preplanned holiday between dad's death & funeral so perhaps she thought it was inappropriate? (her mother died a few years ago & she still posts about it sometimes so maybe I hit a raw nerve). Only thing I can think of, unless of course she unfriended me in error? No loss as not a close friend but still can't help wondering.....

I think you're overthinking it. I regularly used to cut back anyone I didn't see regularly as I didn't see the point of sharing my activity with people I've not seen in years that aren't actually friends. And none of the people you mention sound like actual friends?

People use Facebook differently to each other and especially now. When it came out I remember posting a holiday pick or job news and now it feels crazy that I shared that with someone I worked with 5 years ago or a school mum from 4 years ago!!!

I think social medias changing for a lot of people. I'd only share things with actual family and friends now.

So it maybe many of your acquaintances are doing the same and aren't wanting to play the game anymore?

I very much dou t it's because you took a holiday or whatever that's mind reading and you'll never know what they're thinking. But most likely it will be just that you're not someone they'd normally meet up with/text.

Short version. Many people now use social media differently and it's unlikely anything you said!

I still have a fb account but never post and have hidden everyone. I just use it to access groups!

You're overthinking it. I only keep people on FB that use messenger to contact me. I wouldn't have FB otherwise.

It's not personal.

Sorry for your loss OP

You're overthinking it though. She's probably just done a cull of the people she doesn't really see anymore.

I can never figure out who's unfriended me so they couldn't be that important in my life. Blocked, I wonder what meme it was that tipped them over the edge but that's all.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad OP.

Why do you think it bothers you that two people, one you don't like and one you barely know, have unfriended you? Why is the approval of relative strangers important?

You're putting quite a bit of time into this. Worrying over what you think you might have done, looking to see if they've unfriended other people. You're even wondering if you're being judged following a bereavement.

We can't control how other people act and there may be many reasons behind someone else's behaviour. Do you think you're currently suffering from anxiety? Have you had any bereavement counselling? There's an organisation called Cruse who might be able to help.

I would try to put it out of your mind and focus on positive relationships in your life.

You’re way overthinking and taking it too personally

I have had refused FB clear outs over the years when I delete people I don’t really see or interact with. If I don’t really have an outside relationship with them I don’t need to know what’s going on in their life and vice versa. I’d still say hello if I see them out though.

It’s much more honest than unfollowing which is a bit sneaky imo. Like you don’t want to see their posts but want to pretend you’re still interested.

It’s social media - it’s not to be taken so seriously.

I rarely edit my friends on fb but last weekend an old friend who was pretty awful to me - subtle put downs, telling me she wouldn’t get out of bed for my salary despite having earned less a year previously. We’d been so close but she changed when my circumstances changed and I tolerated it for far too long. On Saturday I was out for lunch with other friends and she walked by with someone she was out with, said hi to one person on my table but totally blanked me. There’s a small chance she didn’t see me but I just thought - I don’t need this person in my life and unfriended her. My life is better without her.

Same here! I have unfollowed everyone except a few relatives.

How do you notice? Takes me ages to realise, and I couldn’t check to find out when.

Basically it’s not about you it’s about them.

When I realise I’m not seeing things I want to see- good friend’s posts- and am seeing a lot of someone I’m not that interested in, I unfriendly that person.

If I comment on your bereavement post, I’ll see a lot of your posts for a while because I commented, and I’ll miss my nieces’ posts that I really want to see. So I increase my odds by removing you.

Thing is, there aren’t that many people I actually care whether they’ve had a holiday, been somewhere interesting or their DC had a birthday. The vast majority of people on FB are filler for the posts I really care about from family, friends who live a long way away so I can’t see them.

Social media is not real and thinking this is odd, I have no idea who unfriends me

You're not being unreasonable, especially with people who you see IRL I think it's weird of them. I've had this recently, I've known this friend 20 years, went to tag her in something and she had deleted me lol. Did I want to ask her why? Yes I did but I just thought fuck her I've been through a lot the last year with illness and bereavement and I don't have the head space for drama. Try not to overthink it, don't analyse what YOU have done, it's not always you. Xx

When I read this I wondered if it was someone I’ve un friended a few days ago 🙈 I had a massive clear out and took lots of people off. I mainly use Facebook for health groups and sort of feel like if I wouldn’t message someone regularly for a chat then I don’t want them on my Facebook anymore, it’s like if I wouldn’t stop and say hello to them in the street why do I want them having access to all my family photos? (Although to be fair I hardly post anything at all these days). I think you’re over thinking it and it could be all sorts of things.

If I comment on your bereavement post, I’ll see a lot of your posts for a while because I commented, and I’ll miss my nieces’ posts that I really want to see. So I increase my odds by removing you.

Ah, I bet that's it! Her commenting on my post put me back on her radar, unlike the other ex-schoolmums who she rarely interacts with either. We were definitely still friends a couple of days ago as I saw a post from her - she posts a lot more than me, rants & some pretty personal stuff, the sort of thing I never post. Then I posted yesterday, (a very innocent post), so I bet she unfriended after that! If it weren't for social media we would likely forgotten about each other years ago.....

Sometimes it's nothing you have done, OP.

If I had never unfriended anyone on Facebook I would probably have over 2000 friends on there by now. I've passed through a lot of places in my adult life, met a lot of people, friended many of them on Facebook. Two or three times I've decided I had too many people I barely knew or had met once as Facebook friends and I've gone through my list and done a big cull. I still have over 500 left.

Some people I know have been even more brutal and have fewer than 100 people left, only genuine close friends and family.

Maybe this woman has decided that she only wants to keep people she's actually close to on her social media, and that's fine.

It's not about you.

I can get a bit paranoid when people unfriend me on FB but I also unfriend people. I unfriend people who I have had little contact with i.e. fellow students or past colleagues. I've only unfollowed a couple of people because they have done something to annoy me.

It's often not about you at all, but what the person is going through in their own life. The most iinnocuous posts can trigger feelings. I've hidden posts on MN not because the OP was annoying or anything, but just because the subject matter triggered some feelings.

If it weren't for social media we would likely forgotten about each other years ago.....

This makes it even more bizarre that you're giving this any headspace.

I bet you were part of the Facebook group asking to bring back the original Facebook.

You “don’t have head space for drama”, but immediately jumped to “FUCK HER” about a friend of 20 years, just because she removed you from her friends list? 😂

It’s just social media. Being connected to someone on SM doesn’t mean you’re actually friends. Not being ‘friends’ on SM doesn’t mean someone isn’t still your friend in real life. It’s all so juvenile, I can’t believe adults get so worked up over this.

Maybe its a security concern. My phone just got hacked and I went off on a horrible tangent, trying to batten down the hatches and delete contacts and connections. Irrational but it happens.

Try not to take it personally. It is hard. I still feel a bit put out when I've been unfriended. I also find it annoying as it takes me a while to work out who it was. I wish FB would tell you who unfriended you.
I occasionally have a little cull as I can't stand people that snoop or are constantly online yet won't wish me a happy birthday. That REALLY pisses me off for some reason 🤦‍♂️😔🙄

@Nikniknik she wasn't primarily a FB friend 😂 we have had trips together due to a mutual interest. She's known for being super dramatic. I was going to explain to you but can't be bothered.

I thought someone unfriended me, I mentioned it to them in a jokey way and they said they hadn't and thought I unfriended them. They could possibly be lying but they really didn't have any reason to unfriend me.

Yeah that's the usual thing to say to stop any awkward moments.

I actually think it’s quite twattish and more than a little bit pretentious to unfriend someone unless you’ve genuinely fallen out. It feels very “Oh, I’m soooo important and busy; I couldn’t possibly take three seconds to scroll past your post if I wasn’t interested. Every second of my time is ultra-precious and your picture of your child’s first day of school is stealing that from me!!”

I also don’t get the argument of “I delete people if I don’t see them in real life”. Surely half the point of social media is that you can keep in casual contact with more casual friends?

A friend of mine commented more than once that he never saw my posts in his feed anymore, yet his partner saw them all the time. I said he might have accidentally hit unfollow. He checked and said he definitely hadn’t.

He mentioned it again a few months later. I said was he absolutely sure he hadn’t unfollowed me. He said, “Yes, look” and showed me my profile, pointing at the “Follow” button. He thought that meant he WAS following me; not that he had to click it to follow me.