Ex refuses to provide babysitter contact details whilst working overseas

[MaryBerryBerry]

My ex and I are divorced and share 50/50 residence for our children. Ex is traveling overseas on business this week, and is due to have the children during this time. I offered to have the children for most of the time they are away, but I couldn't do one day/night because I had pre-existing plans abroad.

Ex arranged a babysitter for the time I can't have them, including an overnight stay and for the babysitter to take the kids to nursery/school the following morning. The kids are 7 and under, and have never had an overnight stay without either parent before. I don't know the babysitter.

As Ex will be travelling on a long haul flight and neither of us are in the country for a day, I asked them to give me the babysitter's phone number in case of an emergency. They refused to provide this. I don't really have any idea why not, as we generally co-parent ok, and help each other out.

So for a period of time whilst Ex is flying and is therefore completely offline, I have no way of contacting the babysitter in an emergency, and the children have no way of contacting me (they are too young to have a phone). Ex PIL have also not been giving the babysitter's contact details.

I fully understand that during Ex's parenting time, it is their responsibility to arrange appropriate care etc, but I consider the refusal to provide basic contact information in the event of an emergency is completely unreasonable, particularly given Ex is not contactable whilst on a flight.

AIBU to expect that Ex should have provided me with the babysitter's phone number whilst they are overseas and uncontactable?

It's more important for the babysitter to have your information than for you to have hers. Will s/he?

Obviously you should know but what else you going to do? All you could do is arrange own other childcare if you don't like his option, even if obvious why you don't like it!

Fully agreed. Despite asking Ex this question specifically, unfortunately I have no idea if they do or don't have my contact details, which is part of the general lack of info provided.

I am more than happy for them to use the babysitter of their choice. That decision is entirely up to them, and I don't want to get involved in that. I just want to know that I have the information to be able to contact my children if there is an emergency.

Do you think it could be a new partner looking after the kids which is why he is being funny about giving you contact details?

That's exactly what I thought.

Me too.

V good point!

My thoughts exactly. A gf/bf the kids are comfortable with/ have met at least once and they ll be responsible for the kids while ex away.

I can't rule anything out, but I don't think so. They told me it was a babysitter Ex has used before. And I will find out anyway from the kids, so I don't think they would bother. To be honest, I am genuinely not that concerned by who it is - I trust Ex will make a sensible choice and only use someone who will look after the kids. The bigger issue for me is the lack of communication, and unwillingness to provide their phone number if there was an emergency. I have no intention of contacting them, unless there was a major crisis.

That's ridiculous.

I recognise he should have autonomy over his time with the kids, but to not give you the babysitter's details or vice versa for emergencies when he is going to be uncontactable is a terrible parenting decision.

What the hell? Of course you should have the contact details and vice versa.

If you kids are 7 they know your contact details and can pass them on the babysitter.

My kids don't know my phone number or my email address, and they don't have their own phones. I am genuinely surprised if many kids who are 7 years old would know their parent's phone number, but perhaps others do.
Perhaps going forward, I will make sure they do to prevent this in future.

All sounds very weird.

Hundred percent think that it's either a girlfriend or ex girlfriend. It's the only reason I can think of for keeping you two apart. So you can't find out about each other. It's all very fishy.

But the ex- parents in law have the babysitters details so she has a way to contact someone in an emergency? That's at least something.

What country will the children be in? Is it the save as the inlaws? Could this be a kidnap attempt?

I can't think of a crisis where you would need to contact children 7 and under that can't wait 24 hours. I would want the babysitter to have your details. So would send them with the oldest child. Maybe along with a 3rd party contact incase something does happen, and you can do your pick up etc.

But in all likelihood nothing will happen.

To clarify, ex-PIL do NOT have the babysitter's contact number, as I asked them. I don't know whose contact details the babysitter has - I did ask, but wasn't given this info.

Kids are in the UK. I am not worried that there is any kidnapping risk, as Ex is a sensible person.

The issue for me here is about communication and lack of transparency, rather than anything else.

Pop an AirTag or old charged phone in their bag. At least that way you’ll know where they are.

Write your contact information down (several copies as the children are bound to forget and hopefully she'll find it) and tuck them into the children's school bag and jacket pocket and anywhere else sensible and tell the children to pass the information on to the babysitter .

There are very few emergency's where it would be better for YOU to contact them, most things can wait. The other way around though is very different.

I taught my kids to memorise my phone no at age 5 and they still know it my heart. it means if they ever get lost, they can always contact me.

The children will be in ex's home, right?

So, can you put your contact details in a letter through the door?

If the sitter is decent they surely would require emergency contact (and backup) details

Go round there when she's there and give her your contact details

7 year olds do need to memorise their mums phone number though in case they get lost any time.

What sort of emergency are you thinking of for you needing to contact the kids?

I can see that you would want the babysitter to have the number of a contactable parent. If your eldest is 7, I would give them something with your number on it to pass on to the babysitter. My kids have wristbands with our phone numbers for big events in case they get lost or you could do a key chain attached to their school bag

I am sure the babysitter would insist on this too

How are they getting to babysitter? Is your ex dropping them to babysitter after his time, then babysitter dropping at school then you from school? How is babysitter passing on their stuff? Someone is going to have to know?