Am I being unreasonable? Cousin getting married and house move at same time

[Agentmummy]

My husband's cousin is getting married on the same day we get the keys to our new family home.

For context, my husband family is Pakistani and his cousin has a number of events surrounding the actual marriage date and a separate date for her wedding also.

We are quite friendly and we do get on well usually.

When it was her bridal shower our current house had to get ready for estate agent photos and then viewers (we have a 8 month old so this was extremely stressful!). My mum, dad and sister all had to help us absolutely gut and clean the house for this the whole weekend. I was very stressed but still attended the bridal shower, didn't get the chance to message afterwards and then got accused of falling out with her?! So explained about house move etc and that was that.

Now fast forward to now where she has had a number of events leading up to her wedding. I attended an event 3 nights ago however did not attend an event last night as our key handover date is in 4 days and there is a SH#TLOAD TO DO! I received a message today (in a group chat with my husband) asking was I too busy packing to attend yesterday? So I messaged back separately as my husband didn't need to be involved and explained it was a very busy day and I am very stressed as we still have loads to pack as well as still make time to clean the house before we move.

I received a very blunt reply that it's a family wedding and she only gets married once.

I am so annoyed! I'm already so stressed, trying to fit everything in and I get it's her wedding and a huge special time in her life but this house move is extremely special to us too. We can't help the date clashes!

Am I in the wrong?

Are you attending the wedding? I tried reading your OP again but couldn’t see if you were trying to say you wouldn’t go to the wedding because you were picking up the keys.

Did you explain before the event last night that you wouldn’t be able to attend as reading your OP it sounds like you didn’t turn up and then explained after when you got a text asking if you was packing.

Sorry I should have mentioned yes we are invited to the wedding (that's the official invite we have) and are attending the wedding which is a week after we move in to our new house. This event we will definitely attend!

I was upfront with her and apologised for not turning up yesterday and also for not messaging. I was honest and explained it was very stressful and the day disappeared. I then explained (in advance) that I wouldn't be able to attend another event she has in two days as its just proving too difficult to fit it all in for me, mentally I am exhausted and it's taking its toll on me. I didn't anticipate how stressful it would be with packing everything up and having an 8 month old!

The wedding event isn't on the day of the key handover, she is having a religious ceremony that day and then a big wedding event the following week. Hope this clears it up a bit!

I understand it's a bit rubbish when people don't turn up I get it 100%, but I did think she would have had a bit of an understanding. She has packed up her bedroom at her mums recently to move in with her husband and admitted that was stressful, surely she understands that packing up my full house is a lot of work?

So you were meant to turn up to an event but didn't? That is rude to be honest. Did she attend all your wedding events?

You sound a bit as though you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Obviously selling a house and buying another is stressful, but people do usually deal with it along with FT jobs and often children too, so it can’t take up all your time — our last move was international, in the middle of Covid, involving two FT remote jobs, no childcare, a moving firm neither of us shared a language with, while living in a tiny, remote temporary house with no phone signal after our purchase fell through just before exchange!

Or am I misreading things, and you’re being invited to wedding-related events during the working day and are being expected to take lots of time off, as well as the move and childcare?

Either way, this is your husband’s cousin. All communication happens via DH. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

So I think you were unreasonable for not attending, I understand how stressful getting everything ready for a house move can be but “the day disappeared” = your wedding event wasn’t on my mind or important to me. I can see why she was hurt, she probably felt like you didn’t care and didn’t apologise the next morning I guess someone text you first and that’s when you said sorry?

I don’t think you are unreasonable for finding the house move stressful and prioritising your own life and family. I think you maybe should call bride rather than text and explain how stressful everything is right now and that you won’t be able to attend the next event and you’re really sorry it’s just bad timing with the house move. Apologise for not showing the other day again. I think she should be more understanding but at the same time weddings can be just as stressful (if not more stressful sometimes) than a house move and you don’t know what’s on her plate.

talk it out

I totally agree which is why I was upfront with her and apologised. I was honest and explained the day disappeared from me.
Our wedding was a covid wedding, tier 3 lockdown and only allowed 15 guests - at this time my husbands family decided who was attending from his side and it ended up being aunties and uncles, so no cousins at our wedding from his side.

Really rude to just not turn up without even calling to excuse yourself, so yes you're in the wrong. I don't think you had any intention of going, as if you did you'd have kept an eye on the time. Why did it take 5 adults a whole weekend to get a house ready for estate agent photos? Either it was filthy, or you're being a bit of a drama queen. You also probably could have avoided the dates clashing if you had cared enough to ask your solicitor to negotiate that.

I totally agree which is why I was upfront with her and apologised

You didn’t apologise and say you couldn’t go though, you just didn’t go and expected her to not mention it. There is nothing upfront about that.

Usually within Pakistani culture families are expected to turn up to all wedding events (and I know that there can be lots!) If you couldn't make it I would have messaged in advance to explain. However, that time has now passed so all you can do is apologise, which you have done, and move on.

If there is anything you can't attend going forward then just let her know and explain that you will be at the actual wedding day. Moving house is extremely stressful (I did this recently) and so she should be understanding. But also, huge offence can be taken by no shows. It's a delicate matter and you don't want it to turn into a bigger problem than it is.

I think the best thing to do here is to just be honest about what you can and can't attend (in advance) and hope that she is understanding. Good luck with the house move and the wedding celebrations!

How many events is she expecting you to attend in total?

I agree, and I admit I was prompted to let her know after I was text but was fully upfront and admitted to her. I'm finding the whole move very overwhelming so struggling to juggle everything. I know it's shitty I totally agree, and was apologetic as well which is why I then at the same time let her know I likely wouldn't be able to attend the next one.

Yes I agree also with wedding planning being super stressful! I totally understand that. I just didn't expect a blunt response, maybe it was in the heat of the moment so will have a chat with her like you've suggested.

I wish I could juggle the move, my baby, organising the house etc but I honestly find the whole thing extremely overwhelming. I'm sure there are others who have managed fine but I'm struggling and I'll admit that.

Most of the wedding related events are during the working day, weekdays - 2/3pm onwards.

5 events in total.

You could be equally blunt and point out that your life does not stop for hers.

Five! That's plain ridiculous.

Not that I need to justify anything but the house going up for sale was all decided within a few days as we were in a part exchange with a new build home. We had no say, and our home had to go up for sale within a few days to allow us to reserve the new home. We tried to extend it and push it back a bit to give us a bit of time but we weren't able to do this unfortunately.

I'll admit that I was overwhelmed with it all on top of having a baby (I'm sure other mums manage fine, I didn't) so I needed the help and I was thankful for it.

Thanks for your advice.
I'll try and talk it out with her and explain about the upcoming events and that we will definitely be at the main event day.

It's my first Pakistani wedding within the family since I got married to my husband, so it's all new to me. (we didn't have a big wedding, ours was intimate in the garden during covid)

What state is your house in that you and your family had to gut and clean a house ALL WEEKEND with that many people and just a short while later there's still so much to do?

And yes it's rude to cancel last minute because of you're busy

@Agentmummy well, you asked if you're in the wrong/BU, so you do really need to justify it!

The events are in the middle of the working day, but are you on mat leave?

@PinkTeaForMe In fairness, it's rude in most (all?) cultures to no show!

I sold a flat and a house and negotiated a new build purchase over the Truss prime ministership (crazy rate changes) while planning my own wedding, and then moved house, lost a close relative and got married in the space of 4 months. I just feel like you could have gone.

I moved house with an 8 month old baby and it was horrendously stressful. I definitely wouldn't have been up for attending an event during that time.

Well, I was fine with managing a house sale and move, childcare etc, but there’s no way I could take that much time off work on five separate occasions for the same wedding! Doesn’t anyone involved work regular hours?

Surely the bride and groom understand that, even if they’re somehow able to take a lot of time off, most people don’t want to waste that muchAL on a wedding? Is your DH, whose family it is, taking time off to arrive at pre-wedding events at 2 pm on a weekday?

Hi OP, also desi here. YANBU. Keep what you are doing, be polite and firm, and try to look happy on the day.

The bride is a teacher so she's off for the school holidays. Others don't work, some are teachers also, and others have actually saved up annual leave for the events.

My husband isn't taking time off for the wedding events apart from the actual main wedding day. He is using a few days leave from work for the day of our house move and a few days after so we are able to get work done in the house.

Most of the events seem to be for the women of the family.

Thank you ❤️

To everyone who has commented that they don't understand why the original poster is overwhelmed or that the packing and moving process is difficult, I just feel compelled to respond. It is unfair to judge others or draw comparisons between other people's experiences and your own, saying things like "when I did it" or "I had a lot more to juggle and still coped," among other things. It's okay that you be who you are; nevertheless, not everyone is you. Please learn to show others more tolerance.

OP, have an in person conversation with the bride, with your husband, it's his cousin after all. If she still doesn't understand, let it go and stop worrying about it, and focus on moving and setting in, and on your own mental and physical health.