Am I being unreasonable? Cousin getting married and house move at same time

[Agentmummy]

My husband's cousin is getting married on the same day we get the keys to our new family home.

For context, my husband family is Pakistani and his cousin has a number of events surrounding the actual marriage date and a separate date for her wedding also.

We are quite friendly and we do get on well usually.

When it was her bridal shower our current house had to get ready for estate agent photos and then viewers (we have a 8 month old so this was extremely stressful!). My mum, dad and sister all had to help us absolutely gut and clean the house for this the whole weekend. I was very stressed but still attended the bridal shower, didn't get the chance to message afterwards and then got accused of falling out with her?! So explained about house move etc and that was that.

Now fast forward to now where she has had a number of events leading up to her wedding. I attended an event 3 nights ago however did not attend an event last night as our key handover date is in 4 days and there is a SH#TLOAD TO DO! I received a message today (in a group chat with my husband) asking was I too busy packing to attend yesterday? So I messaged back separately as my husband didn't need to be involved and explained it was a very busy day and I am very stressed as we still have loads to pack as well as still make time to clean the house before we move.

I received a very blunt reply that it's a family wedding and she only gets married once.

I am so annoyed! I'm already so stressed, trying to fit everything in and I get it's her wedding and a huge special time in her life but this house move is extremely special to us too. We can't help the date clashes!

Am I in the wrong?

*settling in

Is your cousin marrying into the Ambani family?

Bloody hell! Surely there must be other people who can't go to all of them? And this isn't even someone from your family, but your husband's?

It was really poor form to not turn up to an event you were expected at, without giving prior notice that you couldn't come.

But it's understandable that you cannot make each and every one of the 5 events, particularly against the backdrop of a house move and a young baby.

The problem is not only did you not turn up, you were only apologetic in that you said you were sorry BUT you then gave a reason. The correct apology is "I am so sorry - that was inexcuseable. I totally lost track of time with the house but that's not an excuse."

I get you're feeling overwhelmed. But the reality is that if you've agreed to attend certain events, it really isn't okay to just not turn up or, now, announce a few days before you're not going. As part of your planning, you and your DH should have been taking into account all these dates aroudn the wedding that you'd already agreed to go to.

if you really are finding this so difficult, perhaps you need to ask for help? Where is your DH in all this?

It's very rude to not turn up to an event you said you would attend, you should have called to say you couldn't go. And I can't see why you needed a whole family to clean a house for photos! It's not her fault you're moving, could you not have postponed the move a bit? And just pay a cleaner if you're leaving a rental property, if you're selling an owned property you don't have to clean. I've moved house countless times, it's really not that bad,

So I messaged back separately as my husband didn't need to be involved

This is his family right? Surely it is his responsibility to deal with and communicate with his family.

I think this^ is very good and balanced post.
it doesn’t matter how long other posters packed their houses and dealt with their children. OP has a lot of her plate plus she’s got unexpected family demands.
OP I would use this an opportunity to talk to your DH about his family expectations in general, he knew about them he should have helped you to plan.

This. I'd have asked my husband to message his cousin and say something like, "@Agentmummy is trying her best to do what is expected of her for your wedding but you're not close, she comes from a culture where you only need to dedicate one day to someone else's wedding, not five, and we are very busy with our house move and young baby. I know your wedding is the most important thing in your life right now but please try to keep things in perspective. Looking forward to seeing you at the wedding."

It's your husband's cousin - why don't you want to involve him in the discussions? Surely he should be the first point of contact?

Couldn't you have arranged a day other than the wedding day for the key collection, by which I assume you mean completion day? Most house purchases are done in much quicker time frame than planning a wedding, especially one of the complexity this one seems to have. So, you could have chosen to separate the dates, unless I am missing something.

Find ways to make this easier on yourself. Can you get the movers to do all the packing? Can you get a cleaner in to clean your current house? Although every house I have ever bought has been handed over grubby.

I have voted UABU because you didn't give notice of you non-attendance and knew that they were expecting you.

I used to clean the house of a delightful lady, who followed the Sikh religion and who was not born in the UK. I remember well the chats we had, in which sometimes she talked of how she'd never come to terms with how nuclear the families are here, and talked of the customs she followed etc. Thus I know (albeit not in any detail) there are differences and expectations among different groups of people.

Now, due to the fact I don't know my cousins well, I would be very, very unlikely to go to any wedding of theirs (indeed of those I attended it was because I was a child & was dragged along; one cousin got married later in life and two remarried in their 40s & 50s, none of which I was invited to), and there is no way I'd be going to a wedding of my husbands cousin, as like me he hardly knows his cousins. So, looking at this objectively, not going to part of an event of your husbands cousin is really not a big deal in the practical terms, so on that basis no, you're not BU, but only you know what the expectations are and how the family will react to your choices.

For what it's worth, while I have no experience of having children, I have moved house several times and I will say the stress of what you're doing is being vastly underestimated by some people on this thread.

I disagree. What are the unexpected family demands..? As far as I can see OP knew about the events and agreed to go. Being overwhelmed and 'focusing on your mental health' isn't an excuse to be rude. Note OP hasn't answered any questions regarding whether she's on mat leave or what her husband is doing to help.

OP has said what her husband is doing and/or not doing.

"My husband isn't taking time off for the wedding events apart from the actual main wedding day. He is using a few days leave from work for the day of our house move and a few days after so we are able to get work done in the house.

Most of the events seem to be for the women of the family."

Whilst it is rude to not attend if you say you will, even when she has said in advance that she will not attend, she has clearly explained how this has not been met with any understanding. If she is on mat leave how does that change that she is unable to attend all of the events.

Great. Now add to your experience the expectation to go to 5 social events which start around 2pm in the afternoon and last for hours. Three of which have been in the week of the house move.

You were moving during Covid so there were no social requirements at all.

You should go to events that you RSVP yes to. Not showing up last minute js rude as they'll have paid for food for you.