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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandma is "mother"

36 replies

pinkyp · 11/04/2008 22:14

Hi one of my very old school friends recently had a baby (she's 11 months) and has had to return to work full time. Her mum looks after lo (fair enough). Not only that she looks after lo all week (inc nights) and all weekend. My friend will bring her dd home for a few hours on a sunday. Last weekend was the first time she's had her for the full weekend - although she got her mum to stop over with her. She baby sat her mums cat for the weekend, whilst her mum had HER baby for her. Some days she'll finish at 2 and go out shopping etc, first thing i'd do is pick up lo! Now she's just told me she's going on hol with her bf to benidorm for the week without lo (suprise suprise)!
Her mum is quite old, has a limp and does all her gardening, washing etc for her! Her daughter cant sit up yet, is only on bottles and apple puree - "there taking weening slowly". Am i being unreasonable to be moaning? in my eyes my friend isnt a mother to her lo, her grandma is!!!!

OP posts:

misdee · 11/04/2008 22:15

if it works for them...

edam · 11/04/2008 22:17

It does seem very odd, but I don't understand why you should moan about it - they aren't doing you any harm.

If you are worried that the child isn't being looked after properly, talk to your friend or her mother. Or, if you can't, to the HV.

Otherwise, stay out of it.

S1ur · 11/04/2008 22:17

Why are you judging here? If your frienda dn the her mum are happy and the baby is well cared for why would this arrangement be such a problem. I also suspect you possibly don't know the whole situation, or how each person feels about this new baby.
Don't mean to be harsh just feeling a bit anti-judgey tonight

WinkyWinkola · 11/04/2008 22:17

It's weird to me. Why did she bother having a baby?

But, ultimately, unless the child is being harmed, it's nobody else's business. At least someone is tending to the child's needs.

Perhaps when the child starts calling granny, ''Mummy," your friend will understand the significance of bonding. A little too late of course.

morningpaper · 11/04/2008 22:19

A friend of mine did this - she was young and shocked by motherhood

Her mum did a great job, the child is now a really sweet toddler and gets on with both of them really well

I'm sure that having two women as key-carers is nice in lots of ways

ruddynorah · 11/04/2008 22:21

i know a family with this set up, could be the same one. i hear about them through MIL who lives next door to them. thing is, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. what makes you think the child is nly on apple puree?

WallOfSilence · 11/04/2008 22:21

Is she young?

Is she depressed?

Perhaps her mother copes better with the baby than she does?

Maybe her mum is overbearing?

Maybe she was pressurised into having the baby and can't cope now?

If she was really your friend in the proper sense then you would know all this & be able to support her & give her the confidence to keep her baby with her.... instead of judging.

S1ur · 11/04/2008 22:22

My mate's kid has two key carers, both women (but they are lesbians )

I think a cross-generational relationship is good actually, a sense of family and continuation and support. So long as everyone is happy and able to care effectively.

QuintessentialShadows · 11/04/2008 22:24

A couple I know only have their dd on the weekend. The girl lives with her grand parents. They pick her up on saturday morning and bring her back sunday night. Dad stays over with grandparetns and dd on a monday, and mum does on a wednesday. They do go on holiday with their dd.

Every family is different. If she is a close friend, ask her about it!

AitchTwoOh · 11/04/2008 22:26

oooh, everyone's being very naice, aren't they? sounds like some weird shit to me.

Original poster

pinkyp · 11/04/2008 22:27

Your right i dont know what goes off behind closed doors. I'm only telling what i know - from the horses mouth! There could be 1001 explanations on why, but i dont know them so i'm just going by what i see. I'm not juding i'm moaning lol. Just doesnt seem right to me, maybe its more common than i thought with the responses on here. Hope i havent offended any grandma's mothers! lol.

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 11/04/2008 22:29

it is odd

Original poster

pinkyp · 11/04/2008 22:30

I understand some couples only have there children at weekends, no offence to them but i'm sure they'd have them for more than a few hours on a sunday (without grandma)

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 11/04/2008 22:32

It's true no kid ever got messed up from not bonding with their GPS. The mother is important - does she understand that, do you think, pinkyp?

JeremyVile · 11/04/2008 22:32

This is one of those strange situations where I could argue for both sides.
Just reading the OP I was thinking - well, what does it matter to you? so long as the baby is looked after.
But, really i'd this was someone I knew I'd find it strange to say the least.

SlartyBartFast · 11/04/2008 22:39

exactly jv
just waht i meant to say

Original poster

pinkyp · 11/04/2008 22:40

It doesnt matter as such, just makes me a bit mad that her daughter is missing out on her mum, I dont think no harm is being done or anything to her. Thats not what this threads about, its just me moaning! its so annoying that everytime i see her she tells me what she's gonna do when she gets more time (all things not involving lo ).

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 11/04/2008 22:54

brutally, it's not like the grandmother will be there forever, she'll have to look after her daughter sometime. and y'know... why have the child if you won't be a mother to her? (barring injury or MH issues etc etc).

JeremyVile · 11/04/2008 22:55

MH issues?

JeremyVile · 11/04/2008 22:55

Oh, scrap that Mental Health...

SlartyBartFast · 11/04/2008 22:55

mental health

pity the poor grandmother perhaps

AitchTwoOh · 11/04/2008 22:55

mental health issues, i mean.

Trolleydolly71 · 11/04/2008 22:56

Message withdrawn

AitchTwoOh · 11/04/2008 22:59

there could be lots of things going on, mind you. maybe grandma is subtly undermining her and making her think she's not the best person to look after dd? (my own mother undermines me unsubtly... thank god she makes it v obvious so i can just tell her to fug off).

Original poster

pinkyp · 11/04/2008 23:00

her bf and her are always splitting up etc so it maybe a good thing that dd is out of the way! it may all change like u say trolly dolly. I feel like i've missed out on my ds when i do house work while he plays with toys! think were just opposites, i want to spend every second with my ds and she might not want to spend as much time. x

OP posts:

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