Planning on running away with my child.

[Ptp144]

Wanting people’s honest opinions here.

I’m a single parent of one child who is under 2.
Myself and the father were never in a committed relationship/ but had a very brief relationship which result in LO being born.

From the positive pregnancy test up until now my LO’s father has been and inconsistent father. While at being /verbally abusive/ financially abusive…basically everything other than physically abusive toward me. Which resulted in us moving over 100 miles away. Despite this I have tried my upmost best to consider the fact that this man is my child’s father and as much as I DO NOT like him. I remain amicable for the sake of our child.

To sum things up without this thread being a long read. This year alone he has saw our child once (because I brought LO to him) for two hours and has provided two pairs of shoes and few items of clothing. Doesn’t pay anything towards LO’s upkeep at all. Anyway, the inconsistency used to bother me but I’ve learned to accept it’s something I cannot control. He has let us down about 5 times this year to see LO. When LO does see their father they just cry because LO doesn’t know him. LO has probably seen their father a maximum of 10 times since born …and that is me being generous with how many times. Aside from the above my child’s father has now started to say unkind things about the way our child looks. Like he is unhappy and expected LO to look different.

Up until now. I always remained in the position that although LO father is inconsistent- I didn’t want to deny them a relationship as I figured LO would probably be better off finding out what their dad is like through their own interactions, than me denying the relationship completely for my child to then grow up romanticising what ‘could have been’. Since the father has started saying negative things about the way our child looks I’m sort of in the position where, before I believed as long as my child has one consistent parent that raises him in a loving and supportive encouraging environment they should be fine. Now I believe if I allow contact, he is going to affect my child’s confidence by making mean comments about my child’s features and the inconsistency on top of that is due to have my child growing up: insecure, anxious, abandonment issues etc etc.

so, I feel with everything stacked against us I just want to move home AGAIN. And cut all ties, change my number and get rid of social media completely so he cannot find us.

Has anyone done this for similar reasons to mine and has anyone continued to allow the relationship in despite of the above. Do you regret keeping in contact? If you didn’t, had your child become resentful for making the choice to cut contact? I don’t know what to do, all I know is I want my child to be a confident individual who isn’t tarnish by their fathers wicked ways.

thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far.

I can write from the position of a child. Moving away was the best thing my mum did for us and I honestly regret she ever married my dad (My parents were never together, we lived with my grandparents until I was 2 years old with limited contact with my dad, at which point they insisted "the child needs a father".. it was a different time then). I did not need to go through all the trauma to find out what my dad was "really like". I could have happily lived my life without knowing he existed at all. I had the happiest time living with my mum and my grandparents and wish we had continued to do so without my father popping up in our lives to ruin my childhood.

Is he on the birth certificate?

I moved away when dd was 2 and ex stopped bothering. 7 years later he turned up at my dm's door claiming he had been looking for us. Dm had lived in the same house all along so he could have knocked 7 years earlier.. Dd met him again at 21 after 19 years of nc. No bond or relationship and she dumped him soo after. Taste of own meds... Yanbu to make a sharp exit op. I also changed dd surname to mine - less chance he could find us.

Thank you. This gives me some peace of mind.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. I can’t speak from experience, however you might want to look at the legal side of things, maybe find a charity that helps survivors of domestic abuse who may be able to offer legal advice? Even if his name is on the birth certificate, you as the mother still have more rights than the father as far as I’m aware. From my perspective, if he has been abusive to the extent you’ve described then he’s already lost the right to see his child. You’ve got to weigh up the benefits and the risks with this one, and if I were in the same position I would choose to not allow contact.

I do know of someone who was placed with a legal guardian after having been neglected and abused as a child, and they were given the choice of contact when they were around pre-teen age. They weren’t stupid, they knew that their mother wasn’t really a good person, but still wanted to try for a child-parent relationship. It’s safe to say that they saw their parent for who she was and didn’t resent their guardians for having to limit contact.

Yes he is unfortunately I regret this so much.

Even if his name is on the birth certificate, you as the mother still have more rights than the father as far as I’m aware.

parents don’t have rights, they have responsibilities. They both have equal responsibility for this child and the OP
can’t unilaterally decide to take the child away.

You’re right. However the other parent fails to meet all ends of his responsibility’s as the child’s father.

I actually wouldn’t be taking my child away from any responsibility of his father because that responsibility has fallen my shoulders. I am the primary/only parent that attends to my child’s needs and necessities. The man has never even bought my child a tin of milk.

In retrospect, I would be taking my child away from harm that will surely affect how LO feels about themselves when they become an adult. No, I don’t have the right to but would that stop me? No. I will do whatever I have to do in order to protect my child’s wellbeing. I am trying to raise a confident individual, that wouldn’t be possible if my child has the father speaking negativity into them about how they look. This is not a matter of fact of rights, that’s not what I am asking advice for.

I think we are just worried about your wellbeing as well because you never know... he may want to report you for child abduction and then what? I fully support your decision but maybe it is best to start with not initiating contact. It seems as though he only sees his child when you facilitate it. It may be that the issue will simply fall away if you don't initiate.

You are saying that you don’t currently have joint responsibility, which I believe would mean you have more rights as mother, especially in legal terms right at this point in time. I would have thought that you do have the right to protect your child from potential harm. Whatever you choose will be in the best interests of your child, and open communication is the approach I would take but do what you feel is best.

I wouldn't advocate moving away and not providing him with any way to contact you but I would stop making any effort in relation to maintaining contact so that the ball is entirely in his court to make plans to see your LO

I would also make it very clear that it is not acceptable for him to make derogatory comments about LO's appearance

To be fair, I don’t think he would go that far. He’s said he’s coming to see LO I think 5/6 times and then comes up with an excuse as to why he can’t come. I’ve been waiting for it to fizzle out because it doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t see the value in having contact with his child. What bothers me is the negative comments and the verbal abuse while we FaceTime. If it wasn’t for FT and technology I don’t think we’d ever hear from him.

I’ve documented every episode of no shows and the financial side of things. And he has a record of DV. He’s never had LO over night or even alone without me present. So taking me to court for child abduction would be silly on his side. But I understand where you’re coming from.

I’ve done this and have been doing this. His response is “it’s just words you need to toughen up” lol. I’m sorry I may seem like I have an answer to every suggestion but I have tried EVERYTHING. it’s hard to reason with the unreasonable.

Get proper legal advice.

And contact cms, he needs to be paying for his child.

A solicitor changed dd's name. Legally it would be up to ex to take you to court and have a judge order it be changed back.. Can't find you can't do that.

Legally, they have joint responsibility.

Just stop being in contact. He’s not bothering unless you organise it. Keep the mob number just for if he ever calls but move on and get yourself a different number and do not arrange anything, that’s up to him to do. If there’s then any big problems contact the police or a solicitor but it’s more than likely he just won’t bother.

And you have my sympathies. I had an horrific ex, the courts had to stop him being able to contact either of us and we moved hundreds of miles away.

They will both have parental responsibility. It can only be revoked by the courts.

I don’t they will have joint responsibility if the child is in the sole care of the mother, and the father is largely absent. Keep making notes of times and dates of visits and anything the father has given in terms of maintenance money etc and I would definitely seek legal advice.

He sounds a peach!

Legally, talk to women's aid and they are the experts who will advise.

Slagging someone off on technology is easy contact - contact that he obviously relishes. It can also be recorded and those nice people at the computer shop will tell you how. Annotate and record your socks off. It is evidence for when (not if) you end up in court.

Mention CMS and record the rant. Even if it's awarded, he won't pay it. Let him organise all future contact. He's digging his own grave. Let that console you. Let him wither on the vine or, when you've had enough abuse, ask the courts to remove his parental responsibility. Again, women's aid can advise. Hide as much sm as you can.

I had him on CMS. They awarded £20 a week. He’s not paid it once. He asked for a MR and that’s been going on for the best part of this year. I put in for it last year. From the start of the year until just recently he had been hounding me for me to cancel it. I gave in and cancelled it because it was just another stressor in the situation.

Can you recommend any apps for recording conversations? There was one occasion where he was literally screaming don’t the phone that he didn’t want my child lol. There’s so much to this for me to come to the decision to just pack up and leave. The comments about my child’s looks has just been the nail in the coffin.

I wouldn't just up sticks because that puts you in the position of "baddie". But I absolutely would stop any proactive contact and, if he does get in touch asking to see baby or whatever, I'd be very specific and not make any effort eg, "Yes, you can see him this weekend. Saturday afternoon is convenient. I can meet you at [insert spot that's not inconvenient for you] at 14:30."

If he doesn't turn up by 14:45, you leave.

Also feel free to block him and just use a single email address for communication with him tha tyou check twice a week or something.

I totally see why you would choose to move away with no contact, but as already recommended take advice on legal aspects prior to action. Recording calls is a good idea, and maintaining records of failure to attend, non payment of maintenance and verbal abuse etc. is good too.

I do think the problem you will have is when you make the choice to take control and do this he will then become enraged. That’s when seeing his child will suddenly become the most important thing to him and there will be a song, dance and legal action because you will be the one calling the shots not him. So you need to do all the planning and organising beforehand to save grief for yourself and prove what kind of parent he is.

How about telling him you're switching to an Android to save money? Takes FT out of the equation, I know there are alternative apps but you could plead ignorance and it will be more hassle for him to use something else so less likely to bother you.