Planning on running away with my child.

[Ptp144]

Wanting people’s honest opinions here.

I’m a single parent of one child who is under 2.
Myself and the father were never in a committed relationship/ but had a very brief relationship which result in LO being born.

From the positive pregnancy test up until now my LO’s father has been and inconsistent father. While at being /verbally abusive/ financially abusive…basically everything other than physically abusive toward me. Which resulted in us moving over 100 miles away. Despite this I have tried my upmost best to consider the fact that this man is my child’s father and as much as I DO NOT like him. I remain amicable for the sake of our child.

To sum things up without this thread being a long read. This year alone he has saw our child once (because I brought LO to him) for two hours and has provided two pairs of shoes and few items of clothing. Doesn’t pay anything towards LO’s upkeep at all. Anyway, the inconsistency used to bother me but I’ve learned to accept it’s something I cannot control. He has let us down about 5 times this year to see LO. When LO does see their father they just cry because LO doesn’t know him. LO has probably seen their father a maximum of 10 times since born …and that is me being generous with how many times. Aside from the above my child’s father has now started to say unkind things about the way our child looks. Like he is unhappy and expected LO to look different.

Up until now. I always remained in the position that although LO father is inconsistent- I didn’t want to deny them a relationship as I figured LO would probably be better off finding out what their dad is like through their own interactions, than me denying the relationship completely for my child to then grow up romanticising what ‘could have been’. Since the father has started saying negative things about the way our child looks I’m sort of in the position where, before I believed as long as my child has one consistent parent that raises him in a loving and supportive encouraging environment they should be fine. Now I believe if I allow contact, he is going to affect my child’s confidence by making mean comments about my child’s features and the inconsistency on top of that is due to have my child growing up: insecure, anxious, abandonment issues etc etc.

so, I feel with everything stacked against us I just want to move home AGAIN. And cut all ties, change my number and get rid of social media completely so he cannot find us.

Has anyone done this for similar reasons to mine and has anyone continued to allow the relationship in despite of the above. Do you regret keeping in contact? If you didn’t, had your child become resentful for making the choice to cut contact? I don’t know what to do, all I know is I want my child to be a confident individual who isn’t tarnish by their fathers wicked ways.

thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far.

If this is happening on facetime I'm not sure why you don't terminate the call as soon as the abuse starts?

I don't think I would go down the route of disappearing at this point. But I would, from this point forward, not instigate any communication with him and if he does message or call you don't start any conversations about LO or anything to do with her. Answer his questions, but don't instigate anything. Don't encourage contact.

If you get to the point where it has been a number of months since you last heard from him, change your phone number.

I am not saying I wouldn't ever move away, but I would try do it gradually, so it doesn't seem so obvious this is the end game.

oh you’re so correct on the above. I have blocked him and ceased contact before and I had lots of emails and different numbers trying to contact me. Accusing me of not allowing him to see LO. My response was always: give me a date time and location and we will be there. That never happened and now we’re back to square one. Abusive, inconsistent, mean comments. I’ll tell you, I’m so fed up with it.

I think you just need to go back to this. And grey rock - he shouts and screams and yells but you know that you have offered to be available etc, so just let it wash over you.

exBIL likes to scream and shout and yell at SIL, me, DH, MIL and anyone else who will listen but as we've all realised there's no point arguing with him, our lives are all better. We just ignore it all and repeat the points that are relevant without questioning whether he has a point or whatever. He used to rant about SIL's nice house and nice car and all the rest of it and she felt bad as he doesn't have those things. Now she just refuses to let him into her nice house and he can see the DC at a tim eand place that he provides. He's still ranting. She's just letting it wash over her.

Being totally honest with you, the horrible comments about LO’s looks shocked me. I was very taken back that he would say something so mean about his own flesh and blood. He says things about me but I don’t care because I am a very confident woman and am happy with my looks and who I am. As for my child, they’re still developing.

Would you need to move, and change your number and delete social media?! I don't get the impression he would chase contact off his own back. Who usually instigates communication?

Could you simply drop contact? Tell him your internet's down and you can't facetime. Tell him that you're doing a 'digital detox' and if he wants to see LO he'll need to email with the arrangements. Do a slow fade on him. Start by not initiating contact, then cutting off various forms of communication, until all he's left with is one email address that he needs to use to arrange contact. It might turn out that you never hear from him again?

But honestly, I support you running away, if that's the only solution to keep him out of your lives. Move house, don't tell him. Keep him on the email contact until he gives up.

He’s not interested until I block all communication and tell him to leave us be.
Then he starts with I’m crazy, I’m not letting him see LO, he will take me to court. He has people watching my home. He knows how to find me, he will harm family relatives etc.
I was fine with pretending that I believed he wanted to see LO but again it’s not the consistency which bothers me anymore. It’s the negative impact his words are going to have on our child. Blocking him and ignoring him just makes him worse. Please believe I have tried every rational alternative other than just picking up and leaving. Even trying third party contact/ through a relative. He wants it his way or no way. And his way is, he wants to disrespect myself and my child and come and go as he pleases. I honestly cannot see another alternative at this point.

I think the sooner you can cut this man out completely the better@Ptp144 I wish you every success & please take every care to protect yourself & your child🙏💓

I think putting yourself in a position of 'wrong' isn't maybe quite the right thing. I'd do a couple of things: change your main number and get a cheap PAYG phone for the number he currently has. Stick it in a drawer and check it once a week. Don't initiate any contact. Fuck FaceTimes for now. Just withdraw your time and your attention.

If he kicks off then do as a pp has suggested: I can meet you in <public place> with child on Saturday at 2pm. At 210 you leave. Don't tell DS that you're meeting dad.

I think letting it fade, without any outward signs of 'blocking and cutting contact' might get you to the place you want.

Then you can assess if you actually want to move, or if you're just doing this to get rid of this pest. I mean, why should you move if you're happy where you are?

I honestly cannot see another alternative at this point.

Do it then. Maybe change your names by deed poll, also. Tell no one. You'll have to completely start over with friends, work, etc. Don't tell anyone in your new city about your ex.

There is a risk that he'll come after you and find you. If there's a legal way to get him out of your lives I'd do that. But if this is the only option - really, truly - then do it.

If you do decide to go away and get him out of your lives, what would happen if in the future the child needed passport and/or to travel abroad, or medical treatment and so on?

I don't know, but would he still have legal rights about the above? (and maybe other things aswell).

Wishing you luck OP.

Perhaps delete your social media now, get a new phone and number solely for your interactions with him (use your actual phone to record the calls) and move away next year. Between now and then, stop initiating contact and when you move away I'd expect him to find it too much effort to travel, even half way. At which point do the mediation and court order if you felt to that point I.e. he initiates it.

Use just 1 email address for contacting him, then at least you have evidence that he’s not turning up and what he’s got to say to you should only be communicated via email

https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility#:~:text=An%20unmarried%20father%20has%20parental%20responsibility%20if%20he's%20named%2C%20or,(from%2015%20April%202002).

Just want to say I sympathise with you and don't have much to offer that hasn't already been said, but this link clarifies the issue of parental responsibility depending where you are in the UK as it does differ.

Other than that, best of luck OP x

Do what you need to do OP, I’d do it in your shoes if I could set up elsewhere without too much trouble. There’s no rights or wrongs, only what’s in the best interests for your child and if you determine that it isn’t contact with an abusive parent then crack on and do what you need to do. All the best sincerely.

I'd get some legal.advice. He sounds abusive and if you do this, if he feels he has lost control, he will do everything he can to make your life miserable. Do whatever you need to do. Don't block but stop contacting him, forget about the money etc. Hopefully it will fizzle out to an extent. But a solicitor will be very helpful.

I would take legal advice, OP.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

So if you move far away and change names etc it may work and he may just abandon it all. But he sounds abusive and out to get you. So he'll torment you.
Right now there's no child arrangements order as far as I can tell. So you're not obliged to do anything like face time or any of that.
Use a parenting app for messaging and then just make arrangements for him to see child and let him not turn up. Don't do anything else. Grey rock and all that. Ignore his comments on appearance, if he literally only turns up once a year then it's less of a problem. I think it's face time that facilitates it all.

The other off beat suggestion is that you drop hints that the DC looks nothing like him. So when he comments on appearance, say oh yes child looks so different to you. Sow the seed of doubt in his mind that the child is his. Maybe if he says something to that effect then agree and he may lose interest. Especially if you don't ask for CMS. This is a high risk strategy though

I had one like this. He's blackmailing you into taking the abuse. Mine said he'd burn the house down when the DCs were inside it, unless I remained available to him 24/7 and listened to his abusive telephone rants that could happen multiple times per day. Police weren't interested or seemed to find it almost funny, like I was some weirdo who couldn't take a joke (he was very plausible) and family said it was my fault because I'd chosen him. This abuse went on for years until we were threatened with eviction (nothing to do with him, it was the time of the financial crisis). When he next rang up and started ranting about how he was going to burn the house down or shoot all the windows out, I'd had enough of living in dread so I just snapped, "Fine, get it over with. You'd be doing us a favour'. I never heard from him again.

So the moral of the story is that you should probably call his bluff: if he was likely to harm you and your family, he would likely have done it already. (Has he got any convictions for violence? If not, you're probably fine.) However, going NC without moving away is a last resort. It would be better to get legal advice and see if there's a better option available, such as a restraining order. (In my case the psycho wasn't on the birth certificate, but moving wasn't an option because none of the letting agents would touch somebody on housing benefit.)

Just ghost him and get on with your life