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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i never get time to turn off

44 replies

motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 07:42

i want to start this post by saying dh does a lot around the house. he is also a very hands on father. he really has made early motherhood a joy where i am just responsible for looking after the baby so i will fully accept being told i need to get a grip and am unreasonable.

he went to the pub yesterday for the euros. now he is a great dad don’t get me wrong he takes over the baby so i can have a nap (like yesterday) he is hands on but i feel resentful that he gets time to switch off i guess. like i would LOVE to have two hours to just twitter and read the news rolling out of bed at 10:30-11:00. i would love to have the ability to come up to bed at 1-2 and just chill watching tv for a couple of hours on my own like he does. i would love to have more time just scrolling on the phone just laying on the sofa like he does, i would love just take 15 minutes to get dressed rather then a rushed 3 minute job i would love to have 30 minutes a full 30 minutes to get ready for going out rather than cram it all into 15 minutes.

am i unreasonable that this seems unfair and should i talk to him about it? so i don’t drip feed i do struggle with energy levels so he does take over if i need a nap

OP posts:
BingoMarieHeeler · 15/07/2024 07:53

Tricky one because you did get a nap yesterday - does that happen often? What do you do when the baby is napping? When I’m doing jobs around the house I like to put a podcast on etc and that’s a nice way to zone out a bit. Scroll on the sofa in the evening but that’s a habit I want to get out of not into personally!
What do you do when the baby’s asleep? If they’re young enough to be sleeping on you/in same room then scroll then? If they’re old enough to be sleeping alone then scroll then? It is hard to find time for yourself, I agree. IMO prioritise quality time for yourself (eg naps!!) not scrolling.

Comedycook · 15/07/2024 07:56

How old is your baby? Do you work? Does he work? How many hours?

ricecrispiecakes · 15/07/2024 07:56

What's stopping you from taking time out for yourself like he does - are you breastfeeding?

Original poster
motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 07:58

@BingoMarieHeeler i do struggle with energy levels even before the baby so do need the naps. unfortunately the baby hates cots so even if he is sleeping he is sleeping on me in some shape or form so can’t really nap with him if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 07:59

@ricecrispiecakes we are combi feeding but try to get him on the breast as much as we can and my milk supply allows

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 08:01

@Comedycook baby is under 4 months and dh is between jobs at the moment so at home full time with me

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 15/07/2024 08:02

How old is baby? I can't see what is stopping you from doing any of those things?

Amazondeliverydriver · 15/07/2024 08:02

How old is your baby? Sounds like early days still? In which case it’s a big adjustment period - if you’re breastfeeding then you will end up doing the lion’s share of the work re the baby. Is your partner working? Are you on mat leave?

Hedgehog23 · 15/07/2024 08:03

If baby is sleeping on you, can you do something for you while baby sleeps? Watch tv? Scroll on your phone? Read a book?

DillyDilly · 15/07/2024 08:05

From what you write - you do have a lot of ‘free time’ but use it to nap. Have you seen a doctor about your energy levels.

Original poster
motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 08:05

@Youcancallmeirrelevant 4 months problem is he hates cots so i attached to me unless dh is holding him so while yes i get physical rest while he naps and i can be on the phone in that sense i still have to mentally be in parent mode mentally and be vigilant rather then switching off switching off if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 08:07

@Hedgehog23 yes but i can’t mentally switch off like just fully relax doing those things like he can

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 15/07/2024 08:08

But why can't DH hold the baby to sleep? Then you can leave the house, go to a coffee shop for an hour or whatever you want to do?

Honestly, if you don't start carving out time now for yourself, you'll still be moaning about your DH in a years time

Werweisswohin · 15/07/2024 08:09

DillyDilly · 15/07/2024 08:05

From what you write - you do have a lot of ‘free time’ but use it to nap. Have you seen a doctor about your energy levels.

This.
You're using your free time to nap.
You both also have to 'train' the baby to sleep in the cot.

Original poster
motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 08:09

@@DillyDilly long on going issue that even after multiple blood tests they could not get to the bottom of. i do suspect it could be ME but there is no test for it and i was never officially diagnosed as i am functioning enough to just “get on” with things

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 08:10

@Werweisswohin it’s not really a choice as i need them.

OP posts:
Sprinkles211 · 15/07/2024 08:10

A nap definitely counts as free time, for what it's worth I don't think the majority of parents actually get free time until your child goes to some sort of childcare out of the house whether with a grandparents for a couple of hours or nursery. If my children are in the house even when both of us are here I'm the default, my daughters (3 of them 16, 8 and 1) will sit next to their dad and still come and find me on the toilet if they need something.

Edingril · 15/07/2024 08:14

When my baby napped I did what I wanted then or my husband had our baby while I went out or did whatever

Free time doesn't fall into your lap

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/07/2024 08:18

I think you're being a bit of a martyr. Baby is mix fed, so if you want time away, DH has the baby and you go out. I mean DH isn't even working so there are loads of opportunities for you.

You're getting naps, which is a lot more than many Mums get.

Get baby to nap on Dad. Seriously, you've got more opportunity for "switch off" time than most mums of a 4 month old..

Werweisswohin · 15/07/2024 08:18

motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 08:10

@Werweisswohin it’s not really a choice as i need them.

Sorry to be blunt, but how much extra free time did you expect with a baby? It's not hubby's fault that he can use his free time in other ways but you cannot because you need naps. I'm sorry things feel hard but life with a young baby is hard, it's draining even without existing tiredness issues.

OhMaria2 · 15/07/2024 08:19

motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 07:42

i want to start this post by saying dh does a lot around the house. he is also a very hands on father. he really has made early motherhood a joy where i am just responsible for looking after the baby so i will fully accept being told i need to get a grip and am unreasonable.

he went to the pub yesterday for the euros. now he is a great dad don’t get me wrong he takes over the baby so i can have a nap (like yesterday) he is hands on but i feel resentful that he gets time to switch off i guess. like i would LOVE to have two hours to just twitter and read the news rolling out of bed at 10:30-11:00. i would love to have the ability to come up to bed at 1-2 and just chill watching tv for a couple of hours on my own like he does. i would love to have more time just scrolling on the phone just laying on the sofa like he does, i would love just take 15 minutes to get dressed rather then a rushed 3 minute job i would love to have 30 minutes a full 30 minutes to get ready for going out rather than cram it all into 15 minutes.

am i unreasonable that this seems unfair and should i talk to him about it? so i don’t drip feed i do struggle with energy levels so he does take over if i need a nap

I completely understand I had the same situation. And still do tbh. Its mental space I need.be honest with your partner

People saying you are using your ' free time' to nap are being ridiculous. You need space to think your own thoughts, or stare at the wall thinking nothng too.

theeyeofdoe · 15/07/2024 08:21

Werweisswohin · 15/07/2024 08:09

This.
You're using your free time to nap.
You both also have to 'train' the baby to sleep in the cot.

Edited
Show quote history

You do need to get them used to being in a cot. Then things will get easier.

Original poster
motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 08:24

@OhMaria2 thank you for understanding where i am coming from.

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofbabydragon · 15/07/2024 08:26

tbh if he was genuinely asleep till 10:30-11 i would not mind dh being in bed it’s the fact that he thinks he can just leisurely lay in bed for two hours after the alarm that winds me up

OP posts:
CheeseWisely · 15/07/2024 08:29

If baby is combi-fed and your DH is at home all the time then I'm not sure why you can't have time to yourself if you want it? You're in the best possible position to do that.

We have a nearly 6 week old and DH is still on Paternity leave, so last week I went into town for a wander for a couple of hours, leaving them at home with expressed milk, and one day this week I plan to go to the cinema on my own, again leaving them at home with milk.

I also get a nap most days, as does DH (he splits the night feeds with me until he goes back to work).

When he's back at work next week things will be different so I'm making the most of it while I can.