i never get time to turn off

[motherofbabydragon]

i want to start this post by saying dh does a lot around the house. he is also a very hands on father. he really has made early motherhood a joy where i am just responsible for looking after the baby so i will fully accept being told i need to get a grip and am unreasonable.

he went to the pub yesterday for the euros. now he is a great dad don’t get me wrong he takes over the baby so i can have a nap (like yesterday) he is hands on but i feel resentful that he gets time to switch off i guess. like i would LOVE to have two hours to just twitter and read the news rolling out of bed at 10:30-11:00. i would love to have the ability to come up to bed at 1-2 and just chill watching tv for a couple of hours on my own like he does. i would love to have more time just scrolling on the phone just laying on the sofa like he does, i would love just take 15 minutes to get dressed rather then a rushed 3 minute job i would love to have 30 minutes a full 30 minutes to get ready for going out rather than cram it all into 15 minutes.

am i unreasonable that this seems unfair and should i talk to him about it? so i don’t drip feed i do struggle with energy levels so he does take over if i need a nap

@Youcancallmeirrelevant @CheeseWisely i think i struggle asking for it if that makes sense. he has no problem just carving out time for himself so will just tell me he is doing xyz and i don’t even mind that. i just wish that if we are both just on the sofa he would ask to take the baby off me so i can relax for a bit too mentally

Ok your update that he is home full time currently changes things!
Can't the baby nap on him (though I can't understand this 'only naps on me' thing - get that habit stopped asap - if you worked that would not be happening).
Orherwise just hand baby over and say 'im upstairs for the next two/three hours see you later'. He is a parent as much as you, other than breastfeeding he can do anything you can.

@mondaytosunday i think you are right i will just have to get more used to just saying “can you hold the baby for a bit”

Yes you absolutely need to just say it! My DH is very good at asking if I want some time or just taking the baby off (they sometimes go out for a walk together) but on occasion I've asked or told him something like 'I'm going for a long shower and wash my hair, if he wakes up there's milk in the fridge, do you need to do anything before I go?'

At under 4 months, I don't really know if "free time" is even something that should be expected. Maybe I'm wrong.

I think really if it bothers you then voice this to your partner. Although I will say once your DC starts sleeping longer and more independently, you will start to feel a whole lot better, you can have the evenings to yourself. When the LO goes down for 7pm (or whatever time) then you can have a couple of hours to yourself. Evenings to yourself are sacred 🙌🏼

If you don't tell him, how is he to know?
If he's sitting right next to you, just hand the baby over. Say something simple like you'd like your arms and hands free for an hour, so your DH gets a notion of what your life consists of at the moment.
Have you got a baby sling/carrier thingy? Holds baby securely against you or DH but lets you do a bit more.
Keep pushing for support and a diagnosis, there is help out there for ME but it's patchy, if there's a local support group they can advise you on how to access it in your area.

You really need to stop having the baby 'on' you so much. That in itself will be draining.

If he's at home not working then it should be 50/50 split. So alternate lay ins. Alternate night duty. Both get a few hour's free time and split chores. It should not be you as default and him only if u ask.

At 4 months you just won't get free time, I'm sorry to say but they are a tiny little person who can't do anything for themselves.

It will get better with time. That said if he's not working, then he needs to do 50:50 of the child rearing.

I totally understand how overwhelmed you are feeling and I'm sorry some posters are being a bit short with you. You are 4 months in so you will be exhausted in any situation, and a baby that only naps on you is going to make that harder. It does get better, I promise!
If your DH is not currently working then you can definitely ask him to step up a bit more and give you some mindless free time each day. He could take the baby out for a walk.
However, actually "switching off" your brain from baby care mode is really difficult and you may find that even with time off you don't actually switch off. I very very rarely switch off myself and I am 5 years into parenthood. I'm assuming it becomes easier eventually....!

You need to speak up for yourself and tell him you're going to do X so he needs to be on baby duty.

He's not working so everything should be split 50/50 between you - he has no excuses for that not being the case.

@DevilgateDriver i think you are right. there has been a couple of times i tried to get some none urgent personal admin done. and that lasted maybe 10 minutes before i heard his cry from upstairs and of course came down immediately. or i tried to do a workout and lasted 10 minutes before i heard him cry and stopped what i was doing right away…. he could have given him the bottle as he had the breast plenty that day but i just felt this guilt that i was “selfish” doing xyz for myself.

What happens if you don't stop what you're doing immediately?
Will he step in?

As for the poster saying folk are 'being short', nobody has done that tbh.

@Werweisswohin he is with him when he starts crying and there is formula or milk i pumped but i guess my instinct is when i hear the cry is to stop everything even if dh is with him if that makes sense

Right, I get the instinct part, but could you try telling DH 'Right, I really need to get some yoga/work out/whatever done, you're on duty for the next half hour/hour'. Practice making the time away.
Could you go a walk or something? Then you'll not hear the baby and can practice accenting baby is safe in DHs care? Once you get used to this you could hopefully manage even if in earshot of baby.

So is the problem that he doesn’t do his bit, which is a lot considering he’s home, or that you can’t relax when he has the baby?

It seems like it’s the latter in which case it’s a you problem and not necessarily “unfair”.
It’s something you need to work on yourself. Theres no need to swoop in to the rescue if dad has baby and baby is fussing.
With 2 adults at home to look after 1 baby there’s no reason you can’t do literally every single thing you mention in your OP.

Do your DH isn't working, and is lying in bed till 11am while you're getting up early with the baby?

That's not cool. Obviously. Take it in turns if baby will take a bottle first thing, or otherwise feed him and then give him to DH while you go do housework/work out/scroll on the sofa. You have to speak up and tell him what you want, he's not a mind-reader and I'm afraid many men are quite lazy and prioritise themselves first, even when they are competent, hands on parents. Don't martyr yourself, that way madness lies (and probably a divorce).

The naps sounds like a separate, medical issue. If you need to nap to get through the day that's not 'time to yourself'. But you do need to push the NHS for a second opinion and potential treatment, you won't get anything without some effort.

this is all very familiar sounding! I have been there and I realised I being unfair to dh.

it is a HUGE adjustment having a baby, for both of you. You need to talk to him more, as calmly as you can, about how you feel.

But think also about your actions and acknowledge to dh that you’re being unfair. If you step in to rescue dh every time the baby squeaks - even when you’re in a different part of the house busy with a task, what message does that send dh? It says “mum is in charge, you are back-up parent, step aside.” So then it’s massively unreasonable to expect him to muscle in while you’re cuddling the baby on the sofa. Think about how it must feel as your dh.

You have to let DH practice being dad. It’s immensely helpful if he can learn to settle the baby - and good for baby too, to learn to settle without being breastfed. This will be good practice for some gentle sleep training in two months- you need baby to sleep in a cot!

You aren’t raising the Holy Infant, your baby is allowed to cry and expected to cry. It feels painful to you as mum, and you want to fix it, but you will need to get used to your baby crying. It is their way of communicating, it doesn’t mean the world is ending. Unless you leave the baby crying for ages, there’s no harm done. As a parent providing comfort is not always supposed to be associated with food - learn to read those hungry cries, spot the growth spurts when baby is more irritable and endlessly hungry.

Dad can cope - let him learn, let him parent, share your concerns and let him come up with ways to help and solve. It sounds like you are trying to go it alone as “super mum” which is definitely a trap I fell into as first time mum!

I'm curious to know why you came to a forum, rather than just saying to your husband 'I feel like xyz. Can we talk it over?'

What would have happened if you'd done that? What do you think he'd have said?