Can't be bothered with sex

[Dimsexy]

Just over a year after having a baby and my libido has vanished, particularly since returning to work. I can count on one hand times it's happened in last 6 months. I just don't feel like it, too tired and dh often is too tired too. We're both in survival mode trying to hold down full time jobs, a baby who often sick from nursery, household chores etc etc. Social life, sex, leisure activities seem to all be on back burner at mo

My and dh still have lots of affection and fancy eachother. But it's hard to feel like a sexual being after a day being mum or feeling burnt out after day at work. Sex feels like another chore to add to the to do list and I just don't have the energy.

Before baby I had very high sex drive and wanted it all the time. I really don't recognise myself at the moment.

Is this a normal part of getting used to parenting?

How does your DH feel about it? I also would encourage you to try to get what makes you feel like you back which in turn might make your libido reappear, as from friends and reading on here it can be hard to get back once gone completely

I could have written this. LO is 6 months and we’ve only done it once.

I just have zero desire to and once baby is in bed, it’s another chore (especially when I’m up in the night and still breastfeeding).

I feel awful because I know it’s important, but it just feels like trying to eat when you’re not hungry when you have no sex drive.

So no advice but solidarity.

Dh is understanding and in similar place tbh, we're both exhausted right now. Just had a period of various illnesses with baby and it's relentless

I just want to feel a bit like my old self for a night instead of a tired mum

It might come back. Took us a while. A baby really shook up the household. My body felt like it didn't wholly belong to me; I was often touched out, overwhelmed, sleep deprived and a bit resentful of how little DH's life appeared to change. On his side he was also tired! And very aware that I was struggling and that affected his testosterone in addition to the fact it can take a dip when theres a new baby. So neither of us was in the mood for a good while.

It came back gradually I'd say after DS was about 15 or 16 months old. Then I was pregnant with DD by the time DS was 18 months old 😂 They're 5 & 3 now and can safely say the libido is back. Maybe not quite as high as it was before, but that's not the worst thing as I was often more up for it than DH. We did have to work at it for a bit once everyone was reliably sleeping through the night and there really was no longer any excuse to be avoiding it. I think we're more equally matched now.

There’s no one way to do new motherhood. I really wouldn’t worry that you don’t feel sexual right now, just look after yourself and take time for self care if you can. You do however need a supportive partner, who will give you time and space to find your new identity as a mum, and as a person outside of motherhood.

You could maybe explore intimacy in more relaxing ways? Massages, baths etc and see if that takes you further but without the pressure of it being a precursor to sex.

I hear you. I find watching something that has a few sex scenes helps a lot. Not porn, but a drama that's a big raunchy or reading books with a good sex scene. Gets you out of parent mode.

Are you breastfeeding? That killed it for me, especially as dh is a boob man and him being anywhere near them made me cringe.

We do give each other massages, as back hurts so much from carrying baby around

😂😂😂 this cracked me up. It's like parenting summarised. Ohh there are massages, however they are purely related to parenting shiz and not at all sexy!

Yes, normal.
If non sexual affection gets forgotten that's worse... But if you keep that, you can progress back to where you were.
It happened with both mine (now 14&12) but we're back in business and got back there (some time ago 🤣) by keeping talking and making sure we showed our care for each other.
Won't lie, at one point I couldn't imagine getting sexy ever again, it felt weird even just to flirt...
But wee made time to recapture things and it came back.
So long as you fancied each other before and no one starts behaving like a dickhead.

Oh gosh can relate. Maybe make them a bit more sensual? Maybe you exchange one type of massage for another…

Glad I'm not alone my child is now nearly 3 and this seems to becoming the norm. Just ensure you keep communicating with your partner about what you want/they want. As long as those lines of communication remain open the sex can wait until your both more physically up for it.

Don't let it drag on like this, as it WILL be the death knell to your relationship.
It's all too easy to take things for granted when you have children.
But take it from one who knows ...

Patience.
It took you 9 months to go from non parent to parent... It's only been six since then, why should the 'bounce back' be quicker... You've got more going on now. 😁

But... It is frustrating, and you're allowed to miss your old self/selves... You're only human and it was fun being an autonomous adult. 😁

Honestly be kind to yourselves and give it time. Nothing less sexy than feeling pressured!! As long as you're still feeling connected to one another and communicating then if you're both feeling less amorous than usual then maybe it's a sign. After an illness if you're not hungry you don't force yourself to eat, you listen to your body. There will be a time once baby is sleeping more, maybe you're feeding less, you've found a rhythm with the work juggle, you've got some room to breathe etc...if then it's still not happening regularly then maybe you'll find the energy to think about/ try things to stimulate the mood etc. But at this stage where baby is still so small, you've just gone back to work etc...it's okay to not be doing this right now.

Teenagers here and my advice to have keep having sex, even if it is a bit of an effort and not as good as you were used to. In time your sex life will come back and it’s much easier if you are in the habit. Make sure you both come, watch something sexy together. Read Nancy Friday !

Great words , on both messages!

Yeah, it's normal - my kids are young, I'm always tired and I rarely feel like it. However what I will say is that even if I'm not in the mood or can't be arsed, I don't turn down DH because it takes him starting things off to GET me in the mood. Then I do enjoy. So maybe give it a chance every now and again to keep your relationship intimate.
But tbh if it's not an issue for either of you then don't feel any pressure. How does DH feel?
I also find daytime sex is way more likely as we're always both knackered in the evening so chances then are zero.
The only time we used to have sex when we had one kid was at weekends (occasional ones) during their afternoon nap 😂

If it works for you, then I wouldn’t worry about it. Nothing is normal or not normal and people shouldn’t be shamed either way. I was the opposite and felt shameful for wanting it after 4wks, but luckily we were both on the same page so it worked for us.

How the fuck is that helpful?

It is one of the only things I like about being single. I don't have a very high sex drive and the pressure of having to be sexual regularly is too much for me. I used to have a higher sex drive but I'd rather just cuddle and chat.

Men definitely can and do lose libido.