To think moving as a teenager was traumatic

[Fizzyducklings]

When I was a young teen we moved from a small town where I’d grown up. It was all I knew, I had lots of great friends I’d grown up with. I lived in an amazing estate where we would call for each other and spend hours playing outside. My best friend lived across the road. I was a very happy, confident child.
One day, I came in from school, my brother had been crying. DM turned to me and said not to make a big deal of it like he had but we were moving to a city, it was devastating.
We moved a few months later. I was bullied in my new school and it took months before I made any friends. My parents never let me visit my friends from home (with no traffic it’s a 30 min drive away!!!) My siblings got to go as they were older and would get the bus - I was not allowed to go with them. I lost touch with all my friends from home over the years except my best friend who I managed to keep in touch with, although we drifted and only see each other once every few years now.

It came up in conversation today and my DM said it wasn’t traumatising and I was fine. I said I wasn’t fine but it’s in the past now so no point in falling out over it now. But looking back through the lens of an adult and a mother myself I could just never imagine going about such a big move like this in such a harsh way. I have social anxiety and used to use alcohol as a means to cope with it and be confident around people, I often wonder how I would have turned out if we didn’t move at such a sensitive time…

I understand that people suffer much worse and it’s very much a first world problem but I think it’s wrong for my mum to just dismiss it and not acknowledge how it would have been difficult. AIBU?

This.
The lack of empathy on Mumsnet sometimes is shocking. You can't be traumatised because there are people who have it worse. Newsflash - there are always people who have it worse, it doesn't mean you can't be traumatised by lesser events.
We had to relocate frequently because of DH's job, I regret it because of the effect it had on one of our children, the others were fine, one even enjoyed the excitement, but that doesn't make the difficulties of the child who struggled any less valid. We acknowledged her upset, tried to deal.with the bullying and she understood that we had no choice, but we wouldn't just gloss over it in the way of some parents. She begged us to stay in one place for secondary, which we did, but the damage was already done.

Someone who drowns in 7 feet of water is just as dead as someone who drowns in 10 feet of water.

Comparing traumas or situations that may result in trauma, anxiety, upset, being 'messed up' or whatever else has been cited here is most unhelpful.

I have trauma from one somewhat nondescript 'event' in my life that happened a few years ago. I have been assessed for it.

A few years prior to that, my ex throttled me to the point I had black specks and was almost unconcious, and then picked me up and flung me down some wooden stairs, almost upside down, backwards. Has said since that they wanted the thrill of having killed me. Unfortunately for ex it didn't work as I didn't land on my head. No trauma from that.

Trauma is strange. Our brains are still in 'lizard mode' when it comes to dealing with it.
Of the OP I am not sure if she'd have what might be called 'medical trauma' or PTSD/CPTSD but she could have-however if she hasn't,it was clearly an impactful event that has caused long-term issues. We should not be dismissive of that just because something apparently 'worse' occurred with us and didn't affect us. We are all psychologically different. Perhaps the OP went through something that would have been devastating to us, that she bounced back quickly from.

I would never do this to my child, and am glad my parents never did it to me. I genuinely do think uprooting someone from a happy life is traumatic and very, very hard to justify. Unless it was literally unavoidable, I'd say it's a very selfish and unacceptable thing to do.

I often think about this when you see threads on here about moving far away. There's always tons of comments about teenagers just needing to get over it, they'll be fine, it's what's best for the whole family that matters (but conveniently giving much more weight to the adult's viewpoint than the teenager's). Or military families or those who moved around a lot who compare it to their situation, not acknowledging the difference between never having roots and having them torn away (I’ve already seen them in this thread!).

We want to move house to another village. My son is nearly 3. Even then, I'm desperate to get it done before he starts school so we don't have to uproot him even a term in.

@Afternoonteavirgin I’m so sorry this happened to you

I wonder if the people being hugely unsympathetic to OP because they moved a hundred times in childhood take that stance because it's easier than wondering why their parents didn't prioritise providing them with stability and the chance to develop roots.

Stability and roots can come from people and relationships not places.

I don't think it's automatically traumatising, but it's definitely a hard stage of life to move. You can get lucky and fall in with new friends or it can be very hard, it's sort of luck of the draw. It wasn't helpful that your parents kind of sprung it on you and didn't facilitate you keeping in touch with old friends though.

Thank you. I am okay just have chronic pain which I have massages and medication for. I was incredibly lucky.

moved around lots as a child and it affected me massively and I feel as though I have no roots. When people ask me where I'm from, I don't know how to answer.
That's the reason I chose to stay in the same town when my kids were born. I wanted them to have roots and stability.

@ClonedSquare Because you can't have it all. My father was an extremely successful businessman but part of that was him getting out of his comfort zone, striving and not just having a small world but moving as his career went on. By doing that the rewards have been extremely high. People often wonder on here how people make that much money and have that much success. This. This is how it's done. Parents don't just move kids for no reason. As adults now, we all know the hassle that moving is, not least because of getting a new house and getting kids into new schools.

My DC had to move school as their school closed very suddenly because of lack of cash. We had a very short timescale to get them into the right place. They trusted DH and I that we would help them move to a new school successfully and they did those interviews and exams and got into every school they wanted. They have never looked back. And no, they aren't kids that have never had barriers. One of them has a High Level Autism Diagnosis. The kid whose parents panicked and cried about it is still in therapy three years on. I know which option I would go for every single time.

I moved once when 13 to somewhere isolated and it was really difficult to try and make new friends and fit in. I was pretty miserable and missed my friends and the life I had. I empathise with you OP and I would not do this to my kids unless I absolutely had to.

Weirdly moving around frequently seems to be less challenging than moving once for a lot of people.

All that said I think that’s the past and focus on what I can do now to make the most of life as it is whatever happened in the past.

I find my parents have to underplay the affect on me of their crap parental decisions had otherwise they could have to accept responsibility and it would not play into the narrative they've created about themselves being amazing parents. She might be doing that.

I'd have been a completely different person if that event hadn't have happened

Do you really think that? Surely if not this one event, that is fairly standard if you look at this thread, setting you on a path then it could have easily been (likely??) another. You are obviously sensitive - that's not a barbed remark, emotional eating may have been your thing whatever path in life. You are however very highly invested in blaming this event. Time as an adult to move on and take back control, you're not a child any more and yes it might have been traumatic, and it may have reframed things, but why are you still holding on to this is such a huge way? This is what I mean by this being outside standard reaction. You need to let it go, harbouring this now is not doing you any good.

What 'bad' do you think it is doing me?

Yes, I do think I'd have been a different person.

For what it is worth my Mum agrees and regrets it.

I'd not be very good at my job if i wasn't sensitive.

I replied to a thread in agreement as it did change me and affect me badly. I can't change that, but I'm not sure what you think is wrong with me as a result, or what I need to let go, or what i am balmogn on if aside from what is just the trurh. I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen, it did, or that it was great, it was wasn't. Id never advise anyone that somethig they feel was poignant in shaping them as a person was sinply not true, I am not them and I wasn't there.

It isn't something that features in my life, that I mention often or that I even think about a lot. But I've said nothing untruthful on this thread.

It is what it is.

“However she did fall out with some of my friends mums and she felt they had almost bullied her so I think she projected that on their DC (my friends) and didn’t want me to keep in touch IYSWIM.”

If your mum felt bullied by your friends mums she probably didn’t want those mums to know where she lived.

My mum left my dad when i was 11, we moved from central London to the back of beyond in Gloucestershire.. i had a strong cockney accent and was badly bullied at school for it. My dad then died suddenly, and i developed Anorexia from the trauma of everything..

I believe it affected me all my life, like others have said, i've never fitted in anywhere, and don't have any strong friendships.
So totally agree with you OP!

My grandma died and mum inherited her house - parents talked about moving there - nearly 400 miles away, l was 16 and honestly would have resented them so much but thabkfully they decided not to.

Sounds horrible for you op.

It seems you adjusted quite well, although not, evidently, to the point of learning basic courtesy for others.

Oh yah, all it takes is to wave a magic priority wand and families won’t ever have to move ever again! I should tell Labour to buy one for every parent to wave anytime they might lose a job or home or visa forcing a move.

Once again someone confusing privilege with real life choices.

It sounds like you were traumatised by this. Other people don't get to say what did or did not traumatise you. I suspect that if you have grown up with a mother who clearly didn't consider your needs, then that is also traumatising. I agree that times were different then, and adults weren't generally very child-centred, but that doesn't mean that children weren't affected by this. It also sounds like your mum had a cruel streak if she actively stopped your father from taking you back to see your friends.

Another ignorant comment. Once again, it wasn’t really the fact that OP moved. Most children/teens are not traumatised by moving to a different area. It was losing her friends, not being allowed to see them, being bullied and being dismissed/invalidated by her family. All of these things can absolutely be traumatic to a developing mind.

I'm not being unsympathetic, although I do believe it's time OP dealt with it, in therapy.

As for the moving around as a child, we could only offer forces roles to unencumbered people. How we prevent them becoming encumbered whilst employed is a problem.
Its shit, I didnt like it, moving every year is an abomination. And some children do ok with that and some children are badly affected. And in the forces there is little chance of seeing your old mates, and zero chance of a parent taking you to see them. They often are in a different country.
Boarding school wasnt all that either.
The only good thing to come out of me moving so often is the rock solid self assurance.

Yes, some children will develop that self-assurance. Others will succumb to the ill-effects of that lifestyle.

I am close to someone who had a similar-to-forces upbringing (moved a lot for Father's work). He also has two siblings.

He is an alcoholic-struggling greatly at the moment and will almost certainly be in an early grave. He is also a terrible hoarder, house is absolutely full to the brim, smelly and disgusting.
He's a very lovely person and very clever but simply cannot cope with his demons and the loneliness he succumbed to as a child.

One of his Sisters thrives, but has a very damaged relationship with her Mother because she cannot forgive her. She does have a decent job and life however and has kept good relationships as an older adult.

The other Sister is again an alcoholic-not quite as damaged as her Brother, thriving, still working but sick. And despite being very intelligent has never managed to apply herself, has a menial job and thinks about little but drink. It's sad-and illustrative of how SOME kids will be 'okay' with that type of upbringing, others absolutely will not, even from the exact same background. Ironically, the alcoholic sister wasn't subject to boarding school whereas the other two were-and the Sister who is 'okay' was the one who suffered most there by all accounts.

you have encapsulated my thoughts in a nutshell. Anything that challenges the narrative of the Disney fantasy childhood could never be entertained by my parents.

I'd avoid moving at all once you have school age children, if possible. It's very destabilising for them, and such a stressful event for the whole family.

Worse when they have established friendship networks and routines, familiar places to go, peers at school.

But obviously it's unavoidable for many families, who may have to move for work or to be closer to family. And in some cases it's a positive change, eg if child isn't thriving in school, lacks social network, it can be a new start. Or if you move from a dodgy inner city area to a town with lots of good schools, safe places, stronger sense of community. Or in other cases, from a very remote location to somewhere urban with more friendship opportunities, activities, clubs, easy access to schools, colleges, job opportunities.

Why did your parents move?