To think moving as a teenager was traumatic

[Fizzyducklings]

When I was a young teen we moved from a small town where I’d grown up. It was all I knew, I had lots of great friends I’d grown up with. I lived in an amazing estate where we would call for each other and spend hours playing outside. My best friend lived across the road. I was a very happy, confident child.
One day, I came in from school, my brother had been crying. DM turned to me and said not to make a big deal of it like he had but we were moving to a city, it was devastating.
We moved a few months later. I was bullied in my new school and it took months before I made any friends. My parents never let me visit my friends from home (with no traffic it’s a 30 min drive away!!!) My siblings got to go as they were older and would get the bus - I was not allowed to go with them. I lost touch with all my friends from home over the years except my best friend who I managed to keep in touch with, although we drifted and only see each other once every few years now.

It came up in conversation today and my DM said it wasn’t traumatising and I was fine. I said I wasn’t fine but it’s in the past now so no point in falling out over it now. But looking back through the lens of an adult and a mother myself I could just never imagine going about such a big move like this in such a harsh way. I have social anxiety and used to use alcohol as a means to cope with it and be confident around people, I often wonder how I would have turned out if we didn’t move at such a sensitive time…

I understand that people suffer much worse and it’s very much a first world problem but I think it’s wrong for my mum to just dismiss it and not acknowledge how it would have been difficult. AIBU?

I like you, you talk a lot of sense 🙂

I don’t think it’s the ‘only 30 miles’ of it all, but more moving schools and having no friends, plus no support at home.

It may not ‘traumatise’ all teens, but it’s clearly had a lasting impact on OP. There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in that, they were a child at the time and should have been able to look to parents for guidance and support on a big life change, but there was none.

Some parents are very much ‘it’s not a big deal’ because they’re adults and can see a bigger picture, but a child doesn’t have that life experience.

I don't think a move as a teenager is traumatising, possibly the way your mother went about it has caused your issues? The just get on with it attitude when all you craved was a bit of sympathy for the situation you found yourself in and had no control over?
I am moving my teens (about a mile down the road😆) and my eldest took it quite badly, they have only ever known this house as home and I think they are struggling with the unknown!
We have talked (and talked) about it and they seem to be coming around to the idea, perhaps that's what you feel you missed?

I don't think it's for anybody else to tell you how to feel about it. If you felt traumatised, you felt traumatised. And actually, it could well be traumatising to abruptly lose 90% of the important people in your life permanently and with no power over the situation or any ability to preserve those relationships or keep in touch off your own steam. To lose your home. To lose all of your familiar routines and places.

It's great for the people who moved and coped, or even flourished. I did. We moved across the country and although I still to this day prefer my hometown, I was OK. But that doesn't invalidate the experience of someone else who wasn't.

Yes!!! Anything even remotely uncomfortable is labelled ‘traumatising’ or ‘devastating’ these days. It drives me mad.

I thought five was good going but you win! The worst was from the SE to just N of Manchester; no hope of ever being allowed to belong.

I didn't even get notice, no goodbyes and moved hundreds of miles. Yes, it was tough and took a while to fit in but I built friendships that have lasted over thirty years. I have trauma from elsewhere in my life (medical negligence) that I'm dealing with and a life limiting illness. Moving does not compare.
It seems like you're looking to blame your mum. A thirty mile move with months of notice and being able to stay in touch, albeit loosely doesn't appear traumatic to most people. You need to get help for your anxiety.

This.
I agree it doesn’t sound easy or pleasant for you, but I feel we’ve really trivialised the word “trauma” and what it actually means.

Canada to Wales at 6
Then to England at 7
Then to another house at 8
Then to another at 10
Then to another at 14
Then left home at 18 and moved every 3 months for a few years
Then moved regions again to the Midlands from the South
In all I moved 33 times before I got here to my forever home here in France.

My OH wonders why I don't like too much travel and uprooting. I just like to be at home, harvesting veg and cooking a nice lunch, chill in the garden in the afternoon and then a bath and to bed at 11. Routines are good.

It can really affect you.

Not going to lie, it was horrible, but it’s made me incredibly resilient. It didn’t ever occur to my parents to ask my view on it, because it was of zero interest to them. Kids were just expected to get on with it.

We moved every 12-18 months as kids, no rhyme or reason, my mum was mentally ill and it was one of her ‘traits’

It wasn’t ideal and it was certainly a bit upsetting, but not traumatising. Traumatising is what small children in Gaza and Ukraine are going through.

I can understand it being a massive deal at the time, but surely you can look back as an adult and see that children move homes all the time and that it's a pretty normal, everyday part of childhood?

I don't know a single person who never moved house or schools etc. growing up - it's normal.

I moved aged 6. The move itslef didn't bother me at first, because I was still at the same school however then my Mum sprung it on me one Friday night, that I was starting at a new school in the new place.

I think this completely changed my course of life.

I had been in such a happy bubble. I knew my Mum loved me, I had good friends, I liked school.

From then on in, I remember being so so angry but not knowing how to express it. I'd have been in so much trouble if I had have become outwardly angry. I 'knew' my Mum didn't value me or my opinions and feelings, from that moment. I knew from then on, that I was nothing. And that hasn't changed much over the years. I was intelligent enough as a child to know that there was no going back, it had all been decided-it was too late. I was so, so upset, inconsolable but nothing could be done and I just hid, and was absolutely terrified.

I was told that if I really hated it, in two weeks time I could move back. I clung onto this so hard-but if course they were lying. I told my teacher at the current school this and she laughed it off.

I am still affected, I never caught back up really. I didn't engage with other children at the new school and stayed alone, became a bit of an 'oddball' and was consequently bullied. Developed an eating disorder and was 10st by the time I were 10. I have struggled with my weight ever since and I am in my forties now.

In short, I agree with you OP although we were at different life stages. It can be devastating for a child who is only just laying down 'roots'. It can affect our attachment structures, our trust in people, our confidence and the way we are socially.

I came to say I think it may be the bullying more than the move.

I moved schools at a wierd time, aged 10, as my school was closing down. There were only 2 other new pupils in the year and 1 of them decided to bully me. It triggered depression and people pleasing behaviour.

Best revenge on bullies is to live your best life.

I moved from city to a country town when I was 10 and loved my new home. Lots of nature, beaches, freedom to go out on my bike with friends etc. I did really well at school and joined some great clubs, got very involved, winning competitions etc.

Then when I was 14 my parents decided to move to the other side of the country to a very poor industrial town. I hated it, no culture, none of the clubs I enjoyed, quite a rough town generally. Took me ages to settle in and because I could only get a school place in the far side of town, I had no local friends. Never gained any hobbies either. I became quite the surly teen and just roamed the streets with friends as there was literally nothing else to do. My parents were really strict with me and seemed to have no inkling that I was struggling to settle there. I left home the minute I could and hardly ever go back there.

I often wonder if I would have been a much more confident, well rounded person if I never did that move at 14.

You need some counselling, this is well outside of standard reactions. You need help to work through this.

This happened to me, on my 13th birthday, and it was very traumatic. I never really settled into school and always felt like the outsider. I made a couple of good friends but never found my tribe. I completely get what you're saying

We moved from Europe to U.K. when my kids were 13 and 15. They were born in U.K. but had spent hardly any time there. They also went to boarding school as weekly boarders, which was their choice. They took about a year to settle in. They’re now in their 20s. DD1 moved back to the European country we left, two years ago (and also went to uni there) and is working and settled there. DD2 has a successful career in U.K. Did they enjoy the move? Not at the time, no, but they weren’t traumatised by it, did well at school and uni. We had to move; my contract came to an end and couldn’t be extended. They understood this, and that I was having to move for work. They’re still in touch with most of their friends from the school, and it helped that most of them left about the same time as us, and have been to the US, Russia and Canada to see their friends. They’re clear that they are British, and their home is here if they want to move home, and the move doesn’t seem to have done any lasting damage.

I attended three different schools during my final year of primary school. It was horrible. Only myself and one other girl passed our 11plus (I'm ancient!) so we went to school in different town to everyone else. I have lived in the same village for over 50 years and still feel like an outsider because I didn't have the opportunity to forge strong friendships growing up. It has definitely affected my adult life.

My husband was moved 7 times as a child, following his dad’s work. He said survived but says it was hard as the newbie. His parents to this day go on about how good it was for them
Coincidentally we have brought our children up in the same area they were born in.

I still feel sad about a move that happened when I was a child. Even though I fit into the new place and had a good life there, I went through a period of time where it was like a bereavement. Also, it was much harder to keep in touch with people in those days. Maybe I have rose tinted memories but I'd been so blissfully happy, it was devastating for me to lose my old life.

I think some people on this thread are being very dismissive about what has been a major event in this persons life with lasting consequences.

Many women give birth and find it a challenging but ultimately rewarding experience. A few have a horrific time and are traumatised and need substantial support to recover.

Many kids move to a new town and it is seldom easy but most manage. A few (like the OP) may also encounter bullying and lack of support and that does have a lasting impact. For people to dismiss this just because their childhood move was ok is very unfair.

OP - I believe you that the move and then bullying had a big impact on you. But you can grow past this with support and counselling. It doesn't have to define you. I hope you can get the help you need beyond this board.

Thanks for the insights. Interesting to hear other people’s experiences and also how different people are impacted.

My DH lived in several different countries and was moved around a lot as a child and teenager, also spent some time in boarding school while his family lived in another country. For him this was sort of his norm, and part of life if that makes sense. He admits it was difficult at times but he doesn’t think it affected him too much. He also doesn’t dismiss my experience as it was only one move, that’s not really the point. Also the distance isn’t really the point, as I was never allowed to visit and lost contact with everyone so we may of well have moved to the other side of the world as far as I was concerned.

I agree that the bullying and the lack of support were the main issues - it could have been a more positive experience with a different approach

Moved at 13, 1 and 1/2 hours away will never forgive my parents
I'm 36 and the missed years away from grandparents, was very close to cousins, hits me harder as I get older

I moved three times as a teen. We just had to get on with it. But that’s tough they didn’t help you to see your old friends considering they weren’t far away, maybe your parents thought it better to rip the plaster off if you know what I mean. Have you asked your mum why they never facilitated you seeing old friends or them coming to see you?