To think moving as a teenager was traumatic

[Fizzyducklings]

When I was a young teen we moved from a small town where I’d grown up. It was all I knew, I had lots of great friends I’d grown up with. I lived in an amazing estate where we would call for each other and spend hours playing outside. My best friend lived across the road. I was a very happy, confident child.
One day, I came in from school, my brother had been crying. DM turned to me and said not to make a big deal of it like he had but we were moving to a city, it was devastating.
We moved a few months later. I was bullied in my new school and it took months before I made any friends. My parents never let me visit my friends from home (with no traffic it’s a 30 min drive away!!!) My siblings got to go as they were older and would get the bus - I was not allowed to go with them. I lost touch with all my friends from home over the years except my best friend who I managed to keep in touch with, although we drifted and only see each other once every few years now.

It came up in conversation today and my DM said it wasn’t traumatising and I was fine. I said I wasn’t fine but it’s in the past now so no point in falling out over it now. But looking back through the lens of an adult and a mother myself I could just never imagine going about such a big move like this in such a harsh way. I have social anxiety and used to use alcohol as a means to cope with it and be confident around people, I often wonder how I would have turned out if we didn’t move at such a sensitive time…

I understand that people suffer much worse and it’s very much a first world problem but I think it’s wrong for my mum to just dismiss it and not acknowledge how it would have been difficult. AIBU?

Why are people so mean, just ignore them OP. Its well known what can severely impact one person might not affect another in the same way. And to those focusing on the 'it was only 30 miles' - well it may aswell have been 300 since OP never got to visit. Your whole life was uprooted at a critical developmental time OP, of course it has affected you x

I believe it was traumatic for you, but if your parents had to move for the family income then unfortunately the trauma you suffered through moving does not outweigh the trauma you and the family would have suffered if the income into the household stopped.

Sometimes adults need to move to ensure income and security.

Do you know why they moved? Have you considered any of the benefits you might have gained? Better education, more access to opportunities or entertainment?

This. You’ve summed it up perfectly, thank you

If it traumatised you then it traumatised you and no one can fairly say you’re being unreasonable. 30 miles might not be far but if you couldn’t visit your old friends you may as well have moved across the world.

Some children move house every year but are fine, others move to Australia and are excited. It’s all about their mindset and the support they are given.

Saying that I don’t think your parents did anything objectively “wrong”, their attitude was normal for the time, children were just expected to get on with things. Even when one of my parents died I was only allowed one day off school. You have to laugh now!

I don’t think the issue is the move itself but that your mother not only didn’t support you when you were struggling but has never even acknowledged that you were struggling.

I think this is overplaying the word 'trauma', as people have said further up the thread.

There's also something a little bit... childish, about still hanging on to this and blaming your parents. They moved house, I presume they had their reasons. It wasn't like they were being malicious.

I'm sorry it was difficult for you. Genuinely. But it happened a long time ago and you have had plenty of time, and still have plenty of time, to live life on your own terms.

30 miles might not be far but if you couldn’t visit your old friends you may as well have moved across the world.

Yes, because foreign countries across the world are absolutely identical to the U.K. There’s no language or culture or ethnicity or religious barriers at all 😅

I see OP isn’t the only poster fond of over dramatising things.

@Fizzyducklings
I moved several time as s a child and the final move was aged 16 . It affected me v badly. I have struggled all my adult life to feel settled and I have big issues dealing with change and loss. No one can tell you it wasn't a traumatic experience because they haven't lived your life. .
to this day my mother trots out the line that we were dragged from one end of the country to the other ( her words not mine) and it never affected us. I feel murderous every time she says it but there is no.point in trying to discuss it as she invalidates my experiences anyway. As someone else said children are expected to just shut up, keep smiling and deal with it.

I couldn’t vote because it’s a mixture of both- your parents shouldn’t have minimised it and should acknowledge it changed your life but saying that op we’ve had to move a lot over our kids’ lifetime- all due to money and lack of choice. We didn’t want to move, we didn’t want to uproot everyone either but adults have to make decisions sometimes that their kids would of course say no to but they have to do what has to be done

YANBU.
I always think it’s strange that on MN it's fully accepted that moving a boyfriend in, or blending families, or parents divorcing is traumatising. But moving house apparently isn’t. And kids are “resilient” and losing all their friends and school relationships is easy.
Personally I think that certainly when kids are happy settled teens, parents should only move if it’s absolutely necessary, not just because they fancy it.

We moved because my DM wanted to be close to her family and they all lived in this city. I do feel considering it was a 30 minute drive away they could have waited until I was finished school. Although I do think she was struggling with her mental health (not that I was aware at the time) but it explains why it wasn’t dealt with in the best way perhaps, and I understand that if that’s what she needed to do to look after her mental health then that’s ok, but there was really no reason to cut me off and never let me visit. My dad offered to drive me to a friends birthday party and she wouldn’t let me go, there was not reason for it other then she just didn’t want me to go.

She does say now she would never move teens. But that’s all she says about it.

A similar thing happened to me I was right at the beginning of year 8 and my parents separated and we moved to a new city. My childhood felt great with friends next door etc going through primary school with everyone from my street and then on to secondary school.
When we moved I was bullied too and it wasn't something I had experienced before so it was a big shock really. I remember physically trembling on the way to school I hated everyday of it. It's when my anxiety problems started and unfortunately all these years later they haven't left. So I can understand how you feel about this 🥰

I don’t agree that people should be minimising your feelings. You were moved from your friends and it clearly impacted you. You couldn’t even get on a bus to see them which would have helped you cope with the bullying.
I have vowed never to move my DD from her school and friends. I want to move to a town only about 15 miles away but that’s now firmly my retirement plan.

We moved countries when I was 8 and I found it really traumatic. It was like overnight I was jolted from a happy innocent child into self consciousness. My accent was different, clothes were different, cultural references were different. I did adjust eventually but it was so lonely. I know my parents thought it would be good for us but really it was destabilising and as an adult I just feel confused, like I don’t really belong anywhere.

I know you only moved 30 miles away but I do sympathise - being uprooted and losing everything familiar is awful. I truly believe kids need stability and security above all else.

I had to move as a teen. From 'my' forever house with no explanation.

We only moved 15 minutes away, but it really affected me as we moved from what I thought would be my forever house, to something that was just not as nice.

I think that the worst part of it was that there was no discussion or explanation. I'm sure I'd have been more receptive if I'd known why all of that was happening.

Completely agree, I moved twice in childhood once at 7 and once at 15. I put on a brave face at the time but it really ruined my childhood. Not to mention the fact that I had to start a new secondary school at year 11. I feel my parents were very cruel with their decision.

I live in an area that I really don’t love but there is no way I would move my children. I want them to feel connected to a place and a group of friends. They are now at secondary school and have people in their lives they have known since nursery.

I’ve never lived anywhere longer than 10years, and I’m 60! So moved as a child three time, once at 3, then 7 and again at 11
in my case the move at 7 was a non event. Despite it being 50 miles, can’t remember much about it at all. The move at 11 was much more significant but in a very positive way. I settled ok despite all the teasing about my accent and a few bullies (they got bored pretty quick) , and kids in classes having had their own friends for years (middle school system). Generally I’d not have had the acedemic opportunities I had if we hadn’t moved and been able to take advantage of later switch to secondary. I made friends who I still see nearly 50 years later.

we had to do same thing with my ds. I was made redundant and we moved them 250 miles due to my new jobs. Youngest year 6 and eldest year 8. They thrived too as moved to a lovely place, schools much better and again they’ve stayed in contact with those new friends (late twenties now).

so, I think it’s not the moving itself that’s the issue, it’s what happens when you move. How well you adjust, what the school is like, how easy you find it to integrate into new social groups etc. I think it’s helped by positive attitude instilled in you by family, that you need to move forwards in life, accept change as the only certain, and not keep looking back trying to hang onto old life and old “safe” existence. It’s not helped if the new life is not safe with bullying or worse. BUT, frankly you could end up being bullied all of a sudden even without moving areas and schools.

Op, you’re blaming the move as if it is the only factor. . You need to blame how the other kids responded and what school did or don’t do to help integrate you and how your parents dealt with bullying. Social anxiety is horrible and it’s sad you say you took to using alcohol, however to blame a move for that is perhaps looking for someone to blame. Many early teens experience mental health issue when puberty hits, particularly girls at this age. Many girls start to loose self confidence - it’s part of the awfulness of puberty. What did your parents do to help you with your issues- maybe that needs you to explore a bit more.

Oh, that's tough, but they do say that children suffer really bad consequences living with unhappy Mothers.
I know it's really hard but I think you might need to consider that if she hadn't moved she might have been really battling depression or anxiety and that would have been worse for you as a kid than moving.

I recommend some trauma treatment, like primal screaming or going ape in the wilderness for a weekend then moving on and forgiving your parents. We all fall sometimes, we all make mistakes. Tell her you think it was a mistake, write it down then move on. Don't let any of it define you, or be "your story".

I do agree that moving around willy nilly has caused a lot of bigger problems for family life generally and I know you are not alone. At least you know it's something you'll never willingly do to your kids.

I also moved 300 miles from a city to a tin pot town when I was 11. Worse thing was it was in the middle of the summer term when everyone had settled into friendship groups.

In my previous school, we were about to start sex ed. At my new school, they'd already covered it. If I hadn't stayed home one day because I was ill and not watched a daytime school education programme, christ knows how I would have found out what went where.

It was a very lonely and difficult time.

I think it depends on the teen.

My parents moved me (as a very introverted, shy teen) to a different country at 13. After a difficult first year or so at secondary school I had just managed to make a decent group of friends and come out of my shell. Mostly academic kids like me. Then I was taken off to this country where I didn't speak the language. I got a scholarship at a private international school but was badly bullied as my background was so different to the other kids to the point I quit, so was just sat at home on my own or with my parents. Until I went completely off the rails at 16, ran off to yet another country on my own and started drinking heavily and taking drugs to overcome my social anxiety.

Maybe some other teens would have handled it better, I don't know. Both my parents have since apologised - there was no particular reason for them to move away, they just fancied it, and yes it did screw me up!

If it traumatised you OP then it did. I know my experience traumatised me.

What is 'this' that's 'well outside' please.
FWIW, I am a tutor of counselling.

I had a similar experience and even though I settled eventually, I never lost the feeling that I’d rather be back in my first home town where I belonged. My Mum selfishly moved us for a man and I still resent her for it.

It annoys me when people say children are resilient. In reality parents are so wrapped up
in themselves, it makes them feel better to say children can cope with things when actually they often need help to deal with things.
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My parents divorced when I was 5 and DSis was 7. We lived with mum and saw dad regularly. We’ve never got over it and still talk about it all the time.

Both parents got remarried. I was close to stepdad. Him and DM split when I was 21 and I never saw him again. I still can’t believe he left me (I am now in my 50s) and talk about him to my DM all the time.

We moved when I was 6, 10, 12 and 16 (and my parents carried on moving after I moved out at 18 lol). It’s really hard! More unstabilising than my parents divorcing because u felt I had no firm footing anymore

That poster (most likely) meant, in terms of not being able to see one's friends, she may as well have been in a different country, not in terms of EVERYTHING.

So many people are thick on purpose.