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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's been promising her, his address for months but he won't follow through.

37 replies

BlueBlackYellow · 14/07/2024 13:33

My brother moved away abroad a few years ago. Earlier this year he had to move. He's been renting a new apartment since February.

He phones our mother maybe approximately once a month to say hello and for a chat. My mother doesn't know how to use a smartphone or technology and she says that he will send you a message with his address to me.

The thing is he's been saying this to her since March.

Every time I see our mother she's nearly requests for his address and I have nothing to give her. Not only that, she's becoming bitter and anxious and nearly wary as if I am withholding information and his address. I work too hard and have far too much crap going on aside from this bullshit.

My brother was a dockhead in the years before he went abroad when he was living at home. This is just more of it. He's been saying this since March to our mother over the phone and she's never giving up on it. At this stage it's clear he doesn't want to give it but he won't say it to her but why does he keep saying he will send it. March, April, May, June, July - many phone calls and he still hasn't sent it.

It's my head that my mother is fucking wrecking about this.

AIBU to be pissed off with my brother. He shouldnt be promising her anything if he can't follow through with it.

As a way to get myself out of this what do you think of this plan - the next time my mother asks me did I hear from him - I will tell her no and then I can tell her that my phone isn't working and I can't get new messages. (She won't know. She doesnt know how to use phones). Then tell her that the next time he's talking to him to ask him to send his address by mail to her.

And keep me out from whatever the fuck he's at.

He was taking Dr*GS in the years before he left and this is just more of him being deliberately cruel bumy promising her his address but through me and then not sending it.

If he was telling me and promising me his address and not following through - I would have fucked him out of it by now.

OP posts:
Abigaillovesholidays · 14/07/2024 13:36

Is he in prison?

Swissrollover · 14/07/2024 13:37

Can you message him specifically asking for his address for your mum and show her this, with his response - or lack of?

itsmylife7 · 14/07/2024 13:38

I assume your mum can write and spell.

She can get pen and paper and write his address down on the next phone call.

See what excuse he gives her then.

paywalled · 14/07/2024 13:38

What a dickhead. Does he think she’ll turn up at his door or something?

Does he have an emergency contact who has his address?

I would ask him this so you can then reassure your mum that she doesn’t need his address in case of an emergency.

BlueBlackYellow · 14/07/2024 13:39

Abigaillovesholidays · 14/07/2024 13:36

Is he in prison?

No, he's not in prison.

He went to Australia. If he was caught doing drugs, he would have been deported more than likely instead of going to prison.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2024 13:39

A once a month phone call, he calls her, won't give an address My first thought is he's in prison.

Sunnydiary · 14/07/2024 13:40

I don’t understand. Why can’t your mum just write his address down? Is she disabled?

Choux · 14/07/2024 13:41

Abigaillovesholidays · 14/07/2024 13:36

Is he in prison?

This was my first thought too. He always phones her. He doesn't give her an address. Is it always a short phone call?

Cerialkiller · 14/07/2024 13:41

Yes I would think his address isn't stable or not where he should be/has been saying he is. I would just stop engaging with both of them about this. OR you could call him yourself and have exactly one strong conversation with him asking for the address in person before you give up.

To future questions from your mum your answer should be 'yes isn't it awful that he hasn't sent it! Cuppa mum?'

Why can't he give it to her when they talk anyway? Why does he have to text it to you?

BlueBlackYellow · 14/07/2024 13:41

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2024 13:39

A once a month phone call, he calls her, won't give an address My first thought is he's in prison.

That makes sense. He's not in prison. The times he would phone would be approximately noon or 1pm or sometimes later and then that would be late at night in Australia and I doubt a prison would allow middle of the night calls.

OP posts:
TruthorDie · 14/07/2024 13:42

Why do you have to get involved?! Just keep on re-directing her to him. I’m guessing it’s a female thing where you are expected to do other people’s admin. I would nip that in the bud

Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual · 14/07/2024 13:44

I see ( by doing a Google search) that there are a few organisations that will trace missing persons/ family members in Australia.
If it really is so important to your Mum could you, on her behalf, or her - if she is up to doing it- get in touch with one of these organisations and see if they can help find his address?

Choux · 14/07/2024 13:44

If he was jailed for drug related offenses he would serve his sentence and then be deported. And if he is British it's likely the Australian authorities would allow him to phone at a time which is daytime in the UK. Human rights?

Have you googled his name to see if anything was reported in the Australian press re a conviction?

Sunnydiary · 14/07/2024 13:44

He might not actually be in Australia now…

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 14/07/2024 13:44

But do you know he actually went to Australia? Or did he say that because he was due in court to be sentenced and expected to go to prison?

BlueBlackYellow · 14/07/2024 13:46

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 14/07/2024 13:44

But do you know he actually went to Australia? Or did he say that because he was due in court to be sentenced and expected to go to prison?

No he didn't have any legal trouble here at home. He went to Australia with other family and friends.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 14/07/2024 13:46

Pen and paper at the ready and ask for the address when he calls. You both seem to be making massive mountain out of requesting an address

Alternatively, just tell your mum he obviously doesn't want her to have his address because he hasn't sent it in 5 months

paywalled · 14/07/2024 13:49

OMG why are people fixated on prison!

OP, I can imagine my brother doing this if he had moved abroad. He has a lot of resentment to mum and us as he’s entitled and we don’t play along.

Just tell your mum that brother won’t give you the address so please stop asking you.

BlueBlackYellow · 14/07/2024 13:49

This isn't the first time he behaved like this and I can't fucking stomach the idea of contacting him now. I want no more to do with him and I want to cut contact. He's a fucking dick. He always was and he always will be. I do want to start cutting contact or keep it very low.

OP posts:
paywalled · 14/07/2024 13:49

BlueBlackYellow · 14/07/2024 13:49

This isn't the first time he behaved like this and I can't fucking stomach the idea of contacting him now. I want no more to do with him and I want to cut contact. He's a fucking dick. He always was and he always will be. I do want to start cutting contact or keep it very low.

Every time you contact him he gets a kick out of it.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2024 13:50

Why haven't you told your mother to leave you out of this? Are there issues with your mother? She can't use a mobile phone, doesn't understand any technology, so there must be more to the story here. Whatever the case, have a blunt conversation with your mother that you will not be a part of this anymore and that your brother clearly doesn't want anyone to know where he lives.

Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual · 14/07/2024 13:50

BlueBlackYellow · 14/07/2024 13:46

No he didn't have any legal trouble here at home. He went to Australia with other family and friends.

If he went with other people that you know/ are related to you can't your mum or you get his address from one of them?

Thingsthatgo · 14/07/2024 13:50

My cousin couldn't give us an address in Australia because she outstayed her visa and wasn't supposed to be there.

Choux · 14/07/2024 13:52

He's been saying this since March to our mother over the phone and she's never giving up on it. At this stage it's clear he doesn't want to give it but he won't say it to her but why does he keep saying he will send it. March, April, May, June, July - many phone calls and he still hasn't sent it.

If I was in jail for say 9-12 months and was expecting to serve only 4-6 months before getting out on licence, I would think I could stall my family for the six months and wait until I was out before telling them a new address. It's only six phone calls with my mum so I would just avoid telling the truth.

Coralsunset · 14/07/2024 13:52

@BlueBlackYellow can you explain why your mum can’t just write his address down?

Is she in contact with the other family members he went with? Can they help her?

Essentially you need to stop your mum from discussing this with you. Tell her you don’t want to be involved.

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