How do I survive summer?

[Summersad]

I have 2 DS. The older has adhd and is a constant annoyance to the younger one which makes him shout, scream and cry. This happens many, MANY times a day. I’m already struggling financially so the options for days out are very limited. They wouldn’t be happy wit a simple day out to the beach or park. They’d rather go to extravagant places that end up costing £££ which I simply haven’t got right now.
their dad always takes them on wonderful days out though.
this behaviour only seems to be saved for me. They aren’t this bad when with their dad. With me, they fight, swear, are disrespectful and just awful to spend time with. Me and dad share custody equally.
how do I get through summer? How?! I’m absolutely dreading it.
I should add that I have a static caravan that i had planned to take them to on my days but the noise out of them is just embarrassing. We obviously have neighbours close by and the walls are very thin!

You can't compete with their Dad so stop trying. They've learned to be passively entertained, thats why they are dissatisfied and end up arguing.

Ask them if there is anything they would like to do and look at activities, not experiences. Try to find something they can engage with.

I don’t try to compete. There’s no point as I simply can’t.
when I ask them what they want to do it’s always theme parks or water parks or something equally expensive. They’ve come to expect that that is what weekends and school holidays are all about

Then you have to take control - guide them by offering a choice of two or 3 activities.

They don’t expect water parks from you though, do they? Because they know you can’t afford it. That’s on Dad’s time.

How old are they? And have they always fought and yelled or is it more recent?

Plus, how do you know they don’t yell and annoy each other when they’re with their dad?

You’ll have 50% of the holidays without them in which to have a bit of a breather. So maybe focus on that. Friends round? Sometimes that’s easier as they leave you alone for a bit. What ages are they? They’ll just have to get used to quieter days at home. The beach is a lovely day out! What don’t they like about that?

Mine are much easier to deal with if they get a good amount of physical activity - especially first thing.

Are there any sports things they can near you? Things we have done - a week of daily swimming lessons, 2 hour tennis camp, 2 hour football camp - then they are much more civilised and easier to handle in the afternoon

We went swimming yesterday morning. Had a nice time but then they were obnoxious again.
I say I don’t take them on ‘proper’ days out. I do. Just not as often as they’d like. We go to the cinema once a month, I try and do at least 2 pricier days out during the school holidays but they just aren’t grateful and become bratty if I don’t buy them an expensive toy/souvenir whilst there. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t resent spending money on them for nice things.
they’re 12 and 9

They usually enjoy it when we’re there, but the complaining and sighs of disgust at the mention of a trip to the beach just puts me off even bothering. Also the ‘I’ll go to the beach if I can have I’ve cream/sweets/credit for an online game’ like they’re blackmailing me to take them out!

Where do you live @Summersad? Do you receive UC? Loads of places do reduce price if on UC. Have you got meerkat movies? You can pay for a 1 day travel insurance and get it sorted you could do Tuesday or Wednesday cinema day. No one can afford to do something everyday.

‘I’ll go to the beach if I can have I’ve cream/sweets/credit for an online game’
response should be "lets not bother then - have you got a book you can go and read. or maybe you'd prefer to help with housework/gardening/whatever"

A couple of things.

First, harden your heart to complaints. Kids this age are rarely grateful and delightful all day long. You had a good time swimming, then it was shit later on. Those are separate. Focus on the good time, accept that the bad time is sort of inevitable and be more ‘water off a duck’s back’ about it. They will annoy each other, that’s siblings. It doesn’t mean the whole day was ruined.

Second, stop pandering. Say ‘Fine, no beach if you’re going to try to bargain with me. We’ll stay home and get some chores done instead. You’ll both be helping.’ They’ll figure out how to be a bit more grateful and that blackmail is a shit strategy in the long run.

Mostly you have to stop thinking that what you’re doing is inadequate.

Do they need a break from each other? Can you arrange they go to their dad's separately half the summer? So it's still 50/50 shared care, but you get 1:1 time with both.

You get extra money by earning it. Give them a list of jobs to do , once they are done they can have the extra money. Then tell them its beach or nothing. They will soon change their mind

12 and 9? Oh God, I was hoping it would get better. Mine are 8 and 4 and I have a similar situation with ND DC1 winding up NT DC2 and then being unable to hack it when DC2 dishes it out in return. No proper advice but you have my full sympathy.

Oh and if you can face it, I would definitely take them to the caravan - brazen it out with your neighbours, a change of scene might help everyone. Most obnoxious child does the washing up?!

No wonder you are feeling so stressed.
The hard line is hard but you need to take it for your own sanity. The beach is the treat. A picnic lunch on the beach is a bonus treat. Ice cream bought from the supermarket when you get home after a nice day.

No to anything else.
If they don't want the nice treats, beach, park, cinema, whatever else you have planned then there aren't alternatives. They will learn to respect boundaries.

Their dad is buying their love, he doesn't have their respect.

Their dad won’t have just one of them if it doesn’t fall on his set days. I’ve suggested it many times. I did have the older one last week for the night as he said he wanted to stay with me. We had a lovely time. Watched the football with snacks

That sounds very positive. Their Dad isn't doing them any favours imo, he's just teaching them to be spoiled.

Plus, I get the sense that you feel a bit like they owe you ‘grateful’ but you never get that from them, and because money is tight it’s amplifying those feelings. My DH has a bit of a tendency to think the DC should be more grateful than they sometimes are - but we’re the grown ups, we choose to spend money on them (or not) and they don’t really owe us gratitude - although I do expect good manners and not obnoxious behaviour. You need to change your attitude a bit so you’re not resentful. If that means spending less money on cinema and trips, do that. No one will die and they’re not deprived if they only go to the movies once every six months!

I have 2 with ADHD (9 and 10), and the youngest in particular needs to know what I have planned on an hour by hour basis every. bastard. day. He’s also SO loud. When he’s happy he’s yelling and when he’s unhappy he’s yelling.

I encourage them to have friends over a LOT; we live in a village, so we do have quick and easy access to a group of mates, but I also book in play dates with their friends who live further away and they have lots of sleepovers both here & there. Is that an option?

I'm sorry things are so hard 😞 it does sound difficult.

I think first, at 12 and 9, they are old enough to understand that money isn't infinite and there is only so much of it. I would sit them down, either together or separately and tell them bluntly ' we can afford to do x/y/z, other days we will need to do something free/cheaper. If we go to the beach, we cannot buy X as that costs money'.

Then, if possible, make a list of feasible things they can do with you on your days and make a bit of a plan.

Is there anyone else who could give you a bit of help? Grandparents/aunties and uncles? Don't be afraid to ask!

I would try to get outside as much as possible- let them take a football or something each. It's generally easier outside!

Give them fewer choices. Be a bit passive with the bad behaviour. Mine were told very early that the "spends" on days out were limited to a couple of quid and when it was gone it was gone. They learnt very early that hook a toy, etc, at theme parks were rip offs.

Also give yourself a pat on the back. They kick off with you because you are a very safe space and one that provides unconditional love.

They are also old enough to share a budget with there is x for holiday spending, therefore this covers y day out and after that we need to look for days that are free and make the best of them.

Are you in good terms with their dad? Can you tell your DCs if they misbehave with you, it will reflect on the threats they get from their dad? Do they know it can't be Christmas everyday, and school holidays and weekends are for learning and reading, not just days out

Mine are the same age and ditto eldest with ADHD (and ASD). They are at each other's throats 50% of the time and good pals the other 50% (but it can change in the blink of an eye!).

Strategies we've employed:
-Brainstorm ideas at beginning of holiday on what everyone wants to do -expensive days out (usually we'll only do two!), places they want to go whihc are lower cost, places they want to bike/bike, actives they want to do at home.
-Make a plan week by week to put up in the kitchen showing fixed things and the activities planned for that week (really helps ADHDer to know what's coming).
-Split the day up into sections for activities/crafts/TV etc.

-Be realistic - we rarely do full days out - that's not going to be fun for anyone with my boys.

-Plan in one-to-one activities (so plan as well what the other one can do independently).
-Get out everyday. I prefer to do this in the morning.
-Build in quiet time - a film, reading, puzzle book.
-Try to make simple things exciting. If we're having a film afternoon we'll have popcorn (and make popcorn bags to use). We sometimes do a theme day and make use of different toys/activities we already have (e.g. LEGO day - mini-figure photography in the garden, lego challenges, playing/building, watching the lego movie or ninjago; knights day they made cardboard shields and painted their own crests, watched dungeons and dragons, did a treasure hunt through the neighbourhood using simple clues I wrote or photos; beach at home day - set up the garden for the afternoon, eat all our meals outside, go shopping for a bbq, set up paddling pool.
-I remind them before we go out someone where (like a zoo) that I am not buying them anything! They still nag, but they're kids - that's generally what they do!

I've just dragged mine out for a 2 hour walk and have lost my mind with them at least 5 times today (and they've yelled at exam other as well). I really do know how you feel

Well, that’s on you as their parent to discipline them for rudeness. If they’re rude, no days out at all. Tell them they can take themselves when they earn their own money.

Sounds like you’ve staved off tantrums by pandering to them for years and this is the result.