How do I survive summer?

[Summersad]

I have 2 DS. The older has adhd and is a constant annoyance to the younger one which makes him shout, scream and cry. This happens many, MANY times a day. I’m already struggling financially so the options for days out are very limited. They wouldn’t be happy wit a simple day out to the beach or park. They’d rather go to extravagant places that end up costing £££ which I simply haven’t got right now.
their dad always takes them on wonderful days out though.
this behaviour only seems to be saved for me. They aren’t this bad when with their dad. With me, they fight, swear, are disrespectful and just awful to spend time with. Me and dad share custody equally.
how do I get through summer? How?! I’m absolutely dreading it.
I should add that I have a static caravan that i had planned to take them to on my days but the noise out of them is just embarrassing. We obviously have neighbours close by and the walls are very thin!

Do your kids do chores now as well? I find it's actually a good way to split them up, get them to share the work, and learn some responsibility. My DC take turns to dry up while I wash up. Whoever is drying up gets to choose the playlist which they love. The other one gets to go an read/watch TV (whatever...most importantly they're out of each other's way!). Same with tidying rooms - chuck a playlist on, keep them away from each other (younger DC prefers if I help them/guide them).

Sounds tricky with dad taking them on expensive days out but mine are coming to understand that they can have fun with the simple things. Youngest loves to come to supermarket with me, both love cycling, they both love animals/nature so will come for a walk, both love crafting, building.

You have my sympathies op. It's a hard job.

Ds and I were discussing this the other day and we have figured out that when we do any activity at all we have to budget to use 80% of our energy for conflict resolution and only 20% for actually doing the task. So when we are planning an activity, we think about how much energy we have, figure out 20% of that, and choose an activity that requires that amount of energy.

So far we have spent much of the holiday on a sunlounger in the garden or doing a little bit of gardening. That's all we are good for (we are already on holiday)

Could you not talk to them at the start of the holidays and make a plan of things they would like to do? They are old enough to learn how budgeting works, so if you explain there is X amount to spend, challenge them how to best to use it over the holidays.
Make a list of activities and factor in costs for them e.g
A Beach Day has parking or travel costs, the price of an ice cream, picnic £15;
Cinema day has tickets cost, travel costs, food £50
Let the boys help plan their time making best use of their budget. Also make them aware that if they save money in some areas it gives them option to do other things. For example if they don't buy food in the cinema they can keep money in the budget to go swimming another day.

My 7yo and ASD 10yo DDs bicker for 80% of the time they are together unless the TV is on (sometimes it even has to be separate shows separate rooms). It's so so tough and I feel for you. I separate them when they start to bicker, sometimes if DD1 gets into the groove of something (drawing etc, there are free webinars and videos), I can do something 1-1 with DD2. And vice versa.

We spend a lot of time at home as they are a nightmare in the car (audio book and Bluetooth headphones helps).

Can you leave the 12yo at home for a couple of hours plugged in and do something with the 9yo?

So the eldest's ADHD only seems to manifest when he isn't being spoilt rotten? Interesting.

Kids know which adults can't or can't keep control - that's how it is with teachers and that's how it is with parents and all other family members. They'll behave exactly how they are allowed to behave with each different person. If their father doesn't allow them to act up, why do you? Do you feel that you are just not entitled to respect in the same way he is? Or are you somehow trying to "make up" for the fact that you don't have as much money as him? Either way, it's not a good message to be giving them (that women don't have to be listened to, respected or obeyed like men do) and it's clearly making your own life a misery. Stop making a rod for your own back, get stricter and insist on the same standards of behaviour when they're with you that he gets when they're with him. Once they've understood the new rules and know you're not going back to the old dynamic, you'll find things a lot easier.

I agree that you need to upfront with them about finances.
You can be very clear that your budget is very limited, and that the treat is the activity itself. They will get used to the fact that they don't get to spend money in gift shops unless they use their own money, that they don't get to buy snacks at the cinema, and that bringing your own picnic is a treat in itself. You can explain that these places are set up to part people from their money, and show them how it's no coincidence that you have to walk through the gift shop in many places in order to get in or out.
You can tell them that you can go out for pizza/burgers etc more often if they have just the main course, no starter or pudding, and only tap water to drink. Or you can give them the choice. They are old enough to understand how this all works.
They may moan a bit to start with , in which case cancel the next outing. You can show them, without having an argument, that treats are not automatic, and that whilst you will always provide them with what they need, you have no obligation to give them expensive luxuries, and in fact you find it distasteful that they are complaining when they are so much more privileged than most. Actions speak louder than words.