Bottom of the list again

[NanaChickens]

Apologies in advance for the long post....So, DS(36) & DIL(31) have 1 son of 4. She's an only child and has had what I'd consider a 'privileged' upbringing in comparison to my son's. DiL parents moved house so they could be closer & provide childcare because they're both retired. GS has his own room there. I, on the other hand (58), am the only grandparent that still works full time, live with DH of 10 yrs and divorced my DC (3) Dad after 24yrs. In a nutshell, I was a doormat till 2011. DS only appears to contact me when he needs a babysitter and they aren't available and offered 3 times to have the little one stay over here and been turned down. Pretty much everytime DS & DiL do anything or go anywhere, her parents are there too where I'm of the opinion (rightly or wrongly), that my son is a grown up now, with a wife and child and that spare time should be with his little family and if they invite me along, thats lovely 😍 I don't do chasing people to be in their lives, it's not in my nature. If people (and that includes family), want to speak to me or be with me, they will and I will happily respond. I knew from the start that they would be the No 1 GP's but I feel this has gone way beyond that. I haven't personally heard from DiL since Jan when she thanked me for a birthday card I'd sent. She hasnt actually been to my house for 2 years. Last time I saw my grandson was at Easter, babysat for the day so they could all go to a football match. DS rang a few days ago, asked me to babysit that night and I said no. Him & DIL are having problems and he said he needs to make amends and wanted to surprise her. When saying no, I actually said ( brave for me!), that he only ever calls when he needs a babysitter. He agreed, and said we would do something on Sunday, today and he'd call or text the day before. That never happened, instead, I've woken up today to some photos from my boy of the little one at his nursery graduation that was yesterday. Onto FB and a post from his wife, tagging DS and her parents with more photos of them all. I'm upset, again, overthinking, again, yet another event I wasn't invited to. I really don't want to speak to DS today, I feel like I could say something I might regret. I've always had a problem with being 'second best' and anxiety/depression, am the youngest of 7 ( middle of 15 really but thats another story!). I don't really get on with my mother, she prefers (and denies) my DD so the question is, am I being overly sensitive yet again or should I say something and risk the consequences?

I’d just message, hi son, do you still want to do something today? How about park / swimming / lunch etc?

it seems like you want to fall out with him, make an effort to see your grandson

Your beef here should be with your DS

When did you last invite them all to do something with you?

Relationships work both ways. You haven't seen DIL since January, and your Grandson since Easter. So, let me guess, you obviously haven't visited them either. Why does it only work that they haven't visited you?

You say that you only have relationships when someone contacts you and you respond. Yeah if my MIL was like that she wouldn't be hearing from me either.

Your issue is your son. Your DIL should not have to take on the responsibility of managing his relationship with you and being the one to contact you and arrange things.

Your GS spends more time with your DILS parents as she is obviously the one who arranges it with them.

Let your son know that you want to improve on your relationship with all three of them and to have more contact but remember it works both ways. You also need to be reaching out to him and asking how life is going and if you can pop round etc.

I don’t do chasing people to be in their lives,

It sounds like your making no effort but expecting them to? Why should they ‘chase’ if you won’t?

Just before Xmas, took them all to an event that we thought they would enjoy she barely spoke to anyone and walked off. Not asked since

I think you need to reframe your thinking. You can't say you don't chase people to be in their lives and also get upset if that's the model you've set for your son. One of you will need to make the first move if you want to change the relationship.

I’ve always noticed grandchildren spend far more of their time with the maternal grandparents. That, the fact they live closer and are already retired will definitely be a factor here.

They may not have invited you to graduation as you were working, and just assumed you wouldn’t get or take time off for it.
You’re right to think about their little family having time together, but this may make them think you are too busy or not that bothered.

You need to have a frank conversation with your son. Explain how you feel, and you don’t want to intrude but would like some opportunities to be part if their life and see GC. They aren’t mind-readers, so you need to be clear - they probably think you are happy with arrangements as you are still working. I don’t think it will be deliberate.

Because I got tired of being rejected maybe?

maybe he feels rejected too when he try’s to make contact and you say no?

these things work both ways and don’t forget you modelled to him the “not worth chasing” approach!

I don't do chasing people to be in their lives, it's not in my nature

Unfortunately it sounds like it's not on their nature either.
Is not chasing the hill you want to die on? I'm not a chaser either, but with something as important as this frankly i would out my disinclination to chase aside and start.

I second the “it works both ways” comments. You need to put in the same effort as you expect to receive from them. If you do & it’s not reciprocated fair enough to feel second best but it’s not all on them. Easter was a long time ago, I can’t imagine letting that much time pass between seeing a GC 🤷🏼‍♀️

My mum is closer to my children and invited to more things because I make the effort with her. Dh doesn’t make as much effort to invite his parents to things whereas his mum is closer to his sisters children because she make more of an effort.
ive been married to dh for 24 years and rarely text or phoned his mum off my own back, that’s his duty and vice versa, dh gets on really well with my mum but wouldn’t think to text or phone her as I do it.

it sounds like you are angry at your dil whereas it’s your son that’s not making the effort. Do you invite them for lunch or invite them out, ask to meet hem at the park or to other places? Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face as it’s only you who will miss out.

If you don't want to babysit that's obviously a valid choice. However, you could look at babysitting as an opportunity to build a relationship with your grandchildren.

You need to be clear and proactive. Tbh I have literally no idea how much involvement or contact either set of grandparents want from us. They never invite us or suggest anything but seem to get offended if they don't see us for a while. I find it very stressful like keeping them happy is another thing on my to do list. I would love it if they texted to invite us to lunch or down for the weekend. But they don't. Most parents want their kids to have a relationship with their grandparents. But grandparents really make things difficult by being prickly and offended all the time. We have a lot on our plate with work and kids. Unless you're horrible, it's not personal so help us out by being proactive with the relationship (regularly, not once at Christmas).

Thank you and yes, I agree, I do need to have a conversation with him. I've had similar conversations recently with my other children because I know that mine and their lack of communication can be perceived as not caring.
They do know though that I don't work weekends

Well you say you don't chase people to be on their lives but it is possible that could come across as disinterest ?

Your DIL hasn't been in your house in 2 years, but people don't usually go to people's houses unless they are invited.

I might be wrong but the tone is "if they want to do something they can message me and I will" but it does go 2 ways. It really doesn't sound like anyone is making much effort and you're taking offence.

If the graduation happened on a Saturday it is shit they didn't invited you but it could have been a case of limited tickets and if the grandparents are involved with nursery drop ofds etc. Then it is natural that they be invited.

I'm sorry you feel bad but maybe if you made some effort it would be reciprocated.

Honestly it sounds like your son may have a lot on his plate plus be not the best at making arrangements, and I think if you want things to change you are going to need to be the person who changes things, so I think you need to swallow your pride here and do the running.

I also don’t understand why you wouldn’t babysit, if you were free why not do it to help your son out but then mention that you’d love to do something together as well and get something in the diary? To him it probably seems like when he does offer contact you’re not interested.

But absolutely do not start blaming your DIL, it’s not her job to fill the gap you and your son are creating. There could be loads of reasons why she might be a bit off, especially if there are problems in the marriage and of course she’ll prioritise her own parents that’s entirely natural and they are probably a huge support.

You sound like an emotional cold-fish .. maybe your relationship with your son is “harder work” than your DILs relationship with her parents. Maybe they are more eager to get involved, or more flexible .. you could take a leaf out of thier book.

You’re not queen of the castle. Make a bloody effort with your kids and grandkids and it will be reciprocated if it’s not too late. They think you’re not interested and they’re right. Sounds like you want worshipped (chased) but that’s not how adult relationships work. You sound like my mum. Giving birth to kids and raising them doesn’t mean they have to make you feel special for doing so for the rest of their lives.

Thanks, I get that completely but there's alot more to this than I posted.

Your son asked for help and you said no as it hurt your feelings that you were only asked to babysit. So presumably you felt used.
I can’t imagine ever saying no to my child if they asked me for help. I know sometimes it isn’t possible but it sounds like you made a choice rather than that you couldn’t.
If you are struggling with your DiL then focus on building a relationship with your DS & DGC. Suggest things to do at the weekend when you don’t work. If they say no then no problem but it doesn’t mean you should give up in my opinion. Can you not ask what does work for them. Come to a compromise. If you want to build a relationship then you need to say yes when you are asked for help. Saying no will only damage the relationship further.

You need to make the effort. Expecting them to contact you all the time is ridiculous and just drives the wedge deeper and further.

My MIL has a similar attitude she doesn't ever call, never asks about the kids and frankly hasn't bothered to Foster a relationship. My DH used to try and do video calls but she never answered or bothered to call back. After a while he gave up. She also thinks my mum is favoured over her. Reality is relationships work both ways and unless you also put the effort in then your cutting your nose off to spite your face. We would never call my MIL to babysit however as she puts on a front for about 25mins with them then the mask drops and she finds them too noisy and too higher energy.

My mum on the other hand consciously keeps up communication weekly.

Think you need a good hard look at your attitude and also have a proper conversation with your son.

I feel for you, daughters parents are no.1 because she involves them and they are clearly reciprocating that (moving house). For you to be more involved you need your son to contact you more and you to contact him more. This is not about your relationship with DiL. if you find it difficult to arrange to see your son and Gc why don’t you initiate a regular phone call and regular meet up. Ie call on Sundays. See them both once a month or more if you want. But you have to be forthcoming and remember this is all on your son and you to sort. No one else.