Bottom of the list again

[NanaChickens]

Apologies in advance for the long post....So, DS(36) & DIL(31) have 1 son of 4. She's an only child and has had what I'd consider a 'privileged' upbringing in comparison to my son's. DiL parents moved house so they could be closer & provide childcare because they're both retired. GS has his own room there. I, on the other hand (58), am the only grandparent that still works full time, live with DH of 10 yrs and divorced my DC (3) Dad after 24yrs. In a nutshell, I was a doormat till 2011. DS only appears to contact me when he needs a babysitter and they aren't available and offered 3 times to have the little one stay over here and been turned down. Pretty much everytime DS & DiL do anything or go anywhere, her parents are there too where I'm of the opinion (rightly or wrongly), that my son is a grown up now, with a wife and child and that spare time should be with his little family and if they invite me along, thats lovely 😍 I don't do chasing people to be in their lives, it's not in my nature. If people (and that includes family), want to speak to me or be with me, they will and I will happily respond. I knew from the start that they would be the No 1 GP's but I feel this has gone way beyond that. I haven't personally heard from DiL since Jan when she thanked me for a birthday card I'd sent. She hasnt actually been to my house for 2 years. Last time I saw my grandson was at Easter, babysat for the day so they could all go to a football match. DS rang a few days ago, asked me to babysit that night and I said no. Him & DIL are having problems and he said he needs to make amends and wanted to surprise her. When saying no, I actually said ( brave for me!), that he only ever calls when he needs a babysitter. He agreed, and said we would do something on Sunday, today and he'd call or text the day before. That never happened, instead, I've woken up today to some photos from my boy of the little one at his nursery graduation that was yesterday. Onto FB and a post from his wife, tagging DS and her parents with more photos of them all. I'm upset, again, overthinking, again, yet another event I wasn't invited to. I really don't want to speak to DS today, I feel like I could say something I might regret. I've always had a problem with being 'second best' and anxiety/depression, am the youngest of 7 ( middle of 15 really but thats another story!). I don't really get on with my mother, she prefers (and denies) my DD so the question is, am I being overly sensitive yet again or should I say something and risk the consequences?

I definitely don't want to fall out with him, not at all. He already has lots going on and I don't want to add to his problems. Likewise, I don't want to act as if nothing is wrong

"Pretty much everytime DS & DiL do anything or go anywhere, her parents are there too where I'm of the opinion (rightly or wrongly), that my son is a grown up now, with a wife and child and that spare time should be with his little family"

It sounds like what you're saying here is you don't think DIL's parents should be with them so much.

Surely then, this would also apply to you?

Your following comment about not chasing people is making me think your DS has no interest in chasing you either, whereas with DIL's parents there is no 'chasing' and they've made very clear they want to be a part of their lives by moving closer to them.

I'd start by talking to your DS. Sounds like maybe bridges need to be rebuilt abit?

Don't slag off your DIL whatever you do. It doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong here and anyhow, your relationship with your DS and his family is not her responsibility.

I'm well aware of all of this thanks, knowing that me and my 1st DH created our children's relationship problems is not a very nice feeling at all. Friday was the first time and I didn't actually say no, I questioned why he only rang when he needed a sitter.

As she is an only child there is a very real chance that this could be her parents’ only grandchild. They are retired and have the time.

My in laws are like you. We have no contact from them that we don’t initiate and it’s exhausting. They are jealous of the relationship our dc have with my parents but don’t / won’t recognise that the relationships are different because of the levels of effort and engagement put in.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so hurt but sounds like a good time to re-evaluate things & change your approach.

Your DS has confided in you that he's having some marriage difficulties.

Unless you had a strong reason, I imagine he's hurt that you said no to babysitting, particularly given the reason he needed childcare.

If you want a closer relationship with him and his family, you're going to have to do the running. He's learned his communication style from you.

I think it's time you showed him how much he means to you and how much you want to be involved in his life.

Wow, that's harsh! I don't think I'm Queen of the Castle at all, couldn't be further from the truth. I'm actually a very introverted person who has struggled with relationships & communication since I could talk and passed on my crappy insecurities to my kids.

Absolutely 100% agree and thank you. I had a brief conversation with him last week about how rubbish our family is at communicating and where it stems from. We both agreed ( as have my other 2), to start making more of an effort

Thank you and yes, I'm know I'm jealous of their relationship, its absolutely nothing like that of me & my parents who were of the 'I put a roof over your head and fed you didn't I?' era. I did try to be different to them but know I've more to do yet

I understand to an extent, because I am very mindful that my son and DiL have busy lives and little free time, so I don’t want them to feel they have to be in contact all the time. But I think you might have to try to take the first step and invite them to something or offer to babysit anyway, if you want to keep a relationship with them.

Your son came to you and shared with you that he and his wife need support (which is a sign of trust). This is exactly the sort of thing you say you want from son. But it sounds like you were dismissive: made that moment about you and turned him away/down. I expect he won't ask you again for help and so the problem continues.

You're his mum, you are a grandmother: you have every reason to try and help them so their relationship is a success and your grandkids have a stable, loving home. That is your role. I would not have let that opportunity go by.

I would stop looking on Facebook (mute them if it means you don't ruminate on the other grandparents). I'd pick up the phone, make invitations, and choose not to focus on your DIL. Your son should be the one to nurture your relationship and you should be as receptive and proactive.

That's just it though, I don't expect either of them to contact me all the time because I know they're both busy with work etc. I've never ignored calls or messages though and every other time I've been asked to go round or DS has brought GS here, have been very willing! My DS is very much like me at the same age, goes along with everything to keep the peace - I know me & him need to make changes

I'm not, sorry if it comes across that way. Care very much about all of my children and hate that I've created this dynamic. Am trying to change but reprogramming my brain is difficult!

I think it comes down to "the mental load". My parents do more stuff with our kids because it's usually me that organises every thing. Very, very often it's the GC mother that organises literally everything around the kids so naturally her parents will be there. I agree its unfair and hurtful and it happens in our family too. You definitely should take this up with your son. It's down to him to make you more of a priority.

My DGS's spend much more time with DSIL's mum. But that's because I live in Ireland and they live near each other in England. We go there once or twice a year and they come here once or twice a year. At the beginning I did feel a twinge of jealousy mainly because my DD's MIL has loads of money to treat them/set them up but over time the jealousy has gone and I'm happy for them. Plus when they come here I live near the seaside so they always feel they're on holiday! I'm the Granny who wears the wetsuit that matches theirs and takes them into the sea!

I think that you’re right that you and your son need to have a proper talk and try to improve communication. As the wife/DIL of a man who has a very complex relationship with his parents, I just can’t take that on. Far too much history and interpersonal complications, and frankly, it’s not my job. I will take my lead from DH.

Thanks for all the comments, all read and taken on board, never been called a cold fish or queen of the Castle before but I guess when you only have a partial post, I can see how it can get interpreted so for once, am not going to take it too personally 😉 I usually find writing something painful down easier than talking, hence my post so thanks again for responding, appreciated 👏

Again your post seems to read like your blaming your DIL in this situation rather then recognising that your also responsible for lack of relationships.

You don't expect them to contact you but say they don't or if they do it's to ask for babysitting......do you see the juxtaposition of those statements?!

I'm not sure if your viewpoint is well they are my children so they should do the donkey work but again relationships including family ones don't work like that.

If you want a better relationship with your GCs and frankly your children by the sounds of it your going to have to suck it up and make the effort, bite your lip about any of your views on family time and leave DIL parents as a topic you have no opinion on other then to say glad they are well.

I think it's great that you're reflecting on your relationships with your children and starting to have conversations about what could change to bring improvements.

One thing I would echo from pp's is to try and stamp down on comparisons/jealousy of the involvement of DIL's parents and most importantly on any criticisms of DIL's behaviour.

Your son is the key connection here, both directly for you and for your relationship with your GC. Your DIL will likely be taking a lead from him - if he barely contacts you, it doesn't mean she should have to. And if they are having marriage issues, then there is even more reason for her to "keep to her side".

Phonelines work both ways - don't wait for him to make contact because of his "busy" life. If you would like to see him/your GC then pick up the phone. He'll answer or he won't.

Your comments about going along with things for an easy life give me pause for thought. You know you don't have to do this any more. Take up space. Take actions to bring about things that you would like.