To tell you all I'm going to change my life, tomorrow is a new start

[laney6]

For the past 10 years I've been addicted to Zopiclone. Cut a long story short, I started taking it in my early 20s after experiencing a lot of grief and depression.

I had a hideous childhood, my mum was a drug addict and alcoholic.

I tell myself I'm not a drug addict because I have never and will never touch recreational drugs but I sat here last night whilst my daughter was asleep and realised that I am a drug addict, of the prescription kind. I have become my mother. (Although I don't have an abusive bone in my body).

I take 2 or 3 a night when I should only take 1, I buy them online because I run out of my prescription ones so quickly then I go into self destruct mode and gamble money on slots online. I did this last night.

My DH doesn't know, neither do my friends or family.

I have a headache every single morning, feel hungover when I never touch alcohol, I forget everything, I'm unorganised and internally a mess. I count down the hours until I can take my next tablet (when daughter goes to bed).

I'm not living, I'm just existing and before I know it my daughter will be my age and wondering why she wasn't enough to stop my addiction, like I do with my Mum, except I can break this cycle. She is enough, she is my little dream come true, she is my reason to do this. She deserves the happiest, most content childhood.

I don't eat, I live on red bull (about 5 cans a day) and crisps/chocolate. I've gained 2 stone since my daughter was born.

I put on a good act, I'm well put together and chirpy, I see friends a few times a week for play dates with our little ones, my daughter is healthy and happy, fed and clean, cuddled and loved so much. Our house is a happy one, a clean one.

So tomorrow morning I'm phoning the doctors to admit all of this to them and ask for a plan to come off of them completely, I'm knocking red bull on the head completely. I'm going to tell my DH what's really been going on when DD is in bed and why I'm so forgetful/feel unwell all of the time.

This morning I've banned myself from gambling sites.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I don't know why last night something clicked for me. I'm finally holding myself accountable.

I've been the victim for too long, but I'm not a victim, I am a fighter, I am not my Mum.

hey Op didn’t want to read and run. You are a complete hero you have recognised you have a problem- that’s the first and hardest step right there. You have a plan. You have got this.

Get the gambling controls turned on on your bank cards too - they make you have a cooling off period if you turn them back on.

No, you are not your mum. You have the self awareness to know that you are struggling, the courage to admit it, the humility to know when you need help, and the motivation to find it. You have caught yourself in good time OP, while you still have a foothold and haven't yet slipped too far. I hope you find the support you need, but you will need to be tenacious as services are in poor shape and preventative care is not where it should be. As well as your GP, you might find it helpful to Google other support, both the formal agencies and online forums, as many people are in your situation and the shared experience can help.

Well done OP.

You are brave and doing the right thing, OP, for yourself and your daughter. I hope you get all the support and help you need, and that this is the beginning of a new era for you

Good for you, OP. Take any and all help offered. Speak it all out loud. You don’t need to be ashamed, you’re taking steps and even if you stumble, if you get back up and keep going you’ll get there.

Well done for having the self awareness to recognise this. Not many can. I wish you well, it will be a hard road. Please update thread as you progress - it may help someone else. xx

Amazing, you will do it. So brave to admit it to yourself.

Well done you are so brave to do this, tell your doctor everything, they can refer you to your local drug and alcohol service, who will hopefully give you a mentor/counsellor. (That’s how it works in our area anyway). If you can tell close family and friends what you plan to do so they can support you. Best of luck

You're incredible OP! But get your self to a support group quickly, finding people who can relate to you and vice versa will be so important. Good luck!

Oh well done OP, sending you lots of luck, you can do it!

Wishing you the very best of luck OP! You've got this!! 💪🏼

You are proving that your daughter is enough. You are proving that you are definitely not your mum. This an inspiring post!

People like you are the role models we all need. Wishing you every success 🙌

You can do this OP!

Take each day one day at a time. Little steps

.

Sending huge huge grit as you begin the unravelling of the addiction + the start of your recovery.

cannot advocate enough that you join a recovery community - NA or similar - community is everything in holding yourself accountable!

Go for it! Good on you for having the clarity to want to take control over these issues yourself.

But as PP said, Avoid Cold Turkey for the tablets as well as Redbull. Cut down the redbull to 3 cans a day for a few days, then down gradually before stopping. Otherwise you’ll have a horrendous withdrawal which will break whatever optimism you have.

This will be hard, but OP, you’re going to look back at this moment and be so proud of yourself. I know you can do this.

I'm not going to predent that I fully understand how difficult this is going to be for you. And I'm sure the path you've now chosen isn't going to be smooth.

But I believe you can do it. You have the best reasons in the world to do it. You will break this cycle and you will look back at this moment as pivotal in your life.

I wish you all the best with this and I really hope you do it.

Admitting the problem is the first step.

OP, you have taken the first step in making the decision to do the right thing for yourself. Your GP will discuss & agree a withdrawal schedule (dose tapering) & support plan with you. Well done 💐

Thank you to all of you

Your words mean a lot xxx

Well done in taking first steps, hope that you get the support you need
good luck

I don't know why I'm writing this, I don't know why last night something clicked for me.

That moment when you realise it isn't working for you, hold on to the memory of how that felt. That feeling will help you look forwards to a new future. You'll feel like you are letting go of a ball and chain.

Good luck op x

Accountability x