For the past 10 years I've been addicted to Zopiclone. Cut a long story short, I started taking it in my early 20s after experiencing a lot of grief and depression.
I had a hideous childhood, my mum was a drug addict and alcoholic.
I tell myself I'm not a drug addict because I have never and will never touch recreational drugs but I sat here last night whilst my daughter was asleep and realised that I am a drug addict, of the prescription kind. I have become my mother. (Although I don't have an abusive bone in my body).
I take 2 or 3 a night when I should only take 1, I buy them online because I run out of my prescription ones so quickly then I go into self destruct mode and gamble money on slots online. I did this last night.
My DH doesn't know, neither do my friends or family.
I have a headache every single morning, feel hungover when I never touch alcohol, I forget everything, I'm unorganised and internally a mess. I count down the hours until I can take my next tablet (when daughter goes to bed).
I'm not living, I'm just existing and before I know it my daughter will be my age and wondering why she wasn't enough to stop my addiction, like I do with my Mum, except I can break this cycle. She is enough, she is my little dream come true, she is my reason to do this. She deserves the happiest, most content childhood.
I don't eat, I live on red bull (about 5 cans a day) and crisps/chocolate. I've gained 2 stone since my daughter was born.
I put on a good act, I'm well put together and chirpy, I see friends a few times a week for play dates with our little ones, my daughter is healthy and happy, fed and clean, cuddled and loved so much. Our house is a happy one, a clean one.
So tomorrow morning I'm phoning the doctors to admit all of this to them and ask for a plan to come off of them completely, I'm knocking red bull on the head completely. I'm going to tell my DH what's really been going on when DD is in bed and why I'm so forgetful/feel unwell all of the time.
This morning I've banned myself from gambling sites.
I don't know why I'm writing this, I don't know why last night something clicked for me. I'm finally holding myself accountable.
I've been the victim for too long, but I'm not a victim, I am a fighter, I am not my Mum.