No gift from wealthy father

[User24692]

Recently had my first baby. During my pregnancy my DF’s wife (my step mother) asked what we needed for the baby and I gave some suggestions (varying in budget from £30-£150).

My baby is now 6 weeks old and we haven’t received a gift from my DF and his wife. They are incredibly well off and I’m hurt that they haven’t even spent £5 buying my baby, their grandson, a present. They have great nieces and nephews on my step mother’s side who get spoiled rotten with gifts, trips and days out.

There’s no backstory regarding my relationship with my DF and step mother.

AIBU to feel hurt?

Congratulations. Have they been to visit you and meet him yet? If not then maybe they’re waiting to bring something when they visit. If they have then I find it bizarre!

your baby doesnt need anything from them. At this stage any gift is really for you. the next 3 years will show how close they want to be to him

Yes that’s shit op. No wonder you are hurt.

Sounds like your father hasn't stepped up yet, while your stepmother has made an effort for her family.

How are you going to encourage your father to do his bit rather than delegating the wife work to the unrelated woman?

Honestly? You need to let him know you would like him to put himself out with your family to the same extent she does, rather than the expectation of managing your relationship fall on the stepmother (who will be at risk of 'overstepping' unless she's providing on demand babysitting).

I would put money on this being down to your Dad relying / assuming / palming off responsibility onto your SM to be his social secretary.

She’s probably passed on your suggestions to your Dad and left him to crack on with buying it (absolutely as she should, IMO, you’re his daughter) and he’s relied / assumed / mentally palmed it off on her and done nothing.

The nieces etc on her side are bought for because they’re her responsibility and she remembers / bothers to do it. This is your Father being crap.

Yes they’ve met him a few times.

You’re right regarding g him passing the responsibility to my step mother. She is the one who purchases birthday and Christmas gifts for my siblings and I. She has been in our life for 20 years or so, so I am disappointed that even she hasn’t made the effort to get the baby something to be honest.

That is really poor. So they came to meet their grandchild and didn't bring anything? Not even an outfit or a soft toy? I would be very hurt by that

You’re right to be hurt. I hope he steps up soon.

When I next see them I'd say....oh dad and step mum I had a lovely conversation with step mum 3 weeks ago re xx or xx or xxx for baby.

We haven't received anything yet n just wanted to make sure it hadn't got lost in post/with courier'
.....you know how awful these companies are these days

A graceful way of pointing out their behaviour has been awful

At Weddings people say your presence is more important than presents. Is it not the same for a new baby? Do you actually need anything?

I'd say 'not sure if you were still planning on getting the little one something but we need a ... if that helps. If not then no worries.' And send that to your dad/ SM. And I'd be hurt too if it was me.

Just tell your df that you’re opening a bank account for the baby should he wish to give anything.
Then carry on and enjoy your lovely baby.

It's thevprinciple though isn't it? What is wrong with these wealthy folk who don't help their families? On mn however we are told " it's their money." In reality it hurts.

Do you know any grandparents who bought nothing for their GC? Do you know any parents, whose children don't out earn them, got married and the parents contributed nothing?
OP I'd go with the suggestion about asking if anything was posted/ordered because if so, it hasn't arrived.

I understand but its on your dad...shes not your mum. Its nice if she did but your dad is your blood.
I did this for 25 years .. bought OH family presents whilst he sat doing nothing and expecting me to do it..so i stopped. I was teaching him rather than his family. Your family...you do it. Maybe your dad expects her to do it and shes fed up with him expecting her to do that invisible labour.

However, i would ring and say i know you mentioned what id like for baby a while ago...and find something you want for baby..tell them where its from price etc. be straight up.

Rubbish!

Lots of things are needed for the baby

Pram
Sling
Bouncy chair
Perfect prep if bottle feeding
Muslins
Moses basket

Really poor shoe OP, if they are that wealthy that could afford something really useful.

Maybe they are expecting a christening and will be anticipating making a gift then.

If he is very wealthy maybe he has set up some form of trust fund?

Has your mum and your partner's parents bought prams and cots etc because often parents do that? If the other sets of parents have done that maybe he was disappointed that you hadn't let him do a more meaningful gift (in his eyes) and let them and had listed things as low as £30 for him to get, hence minimising his grandfather role if letting other parents buy the big ticket items parents often get.

These are just suggestions. But if there is still something you absolutely need for the baby then why not call him and say SM was asking about things we need for (baby). We could really do with a (insert item) now. Would you be able to get that? Would you like to choose or shall I have a look and send you a couple of links of ones I like?

I agree that SM probably told your dad and either he is crap at life work or got the hump that other parents have been allowed to provide the traditional good stuff!

Do you think knitting morn for GP not to give a gift? Really?

The mother wants these things, the baby doesn't care

My PIL didn’t get our children anything when they were born. Oh no, we got a card. It was 25 years ago but I don’t remember it being an issue. My parents gave a shawl that my mum crocheted.

I don’t understand this. Knitting morn?

Actually yes I know people who out earned their parents before they married and before they had children. I don't see what this has to do with the OP's situation. But even those grandparents bought a gift for their grandchild even if they didn't contribute to a wedding

Asking of anything was posted is so passive aggressive. Ugh. Just say you know you asked what you could buy us well we could really do with a (rocking chair/nappy bin/playpen/insert gift of choice).

I think @Spirallingdownwards is right and they’re waiting for a christening.

That would be weird and obviously fishing where the gift is.

No wonder you're hurt. You've been relegated to second family behind your step mums. At least you know that now and can start coming to terms with it All your dad's wealth will pass down SMs side.