Page 2 | To be annoyed they didn't bring a bday present

zebrasarecool · 2024-07-13T22:32:24+00:00

For dd10's bday she had a sleepover, i took her and 2 friends to a very pricey event and then we had dinner & the sleepover. One of the friends parents are close with dh, they turned up with no present. Or even card, or even acknowledgement of the lack of one. Bearing in mind it was only 3 girls all in all it was glaringly obvious. This tbh is very typical of these parents. They never pay for their child on playdates or ever return the playdate favour. Dd isnt at all bratty and didnt even say anything about the lack of present, it was just more me feeling sorry for her as she could only invite 2 friends. Bottom line (imo) is they're only kids, you expect a birthday present, and it's just really bad manners!! These parents could absolutely afford a present so it feels very much like a choice. Aibu to be annoyed by this?

Bluebirdover · 14/07/2024 06:56

Quitelikeacatslife · 14/07/2024 06:55

My DS once went to a similar event that he either thought or told me was an end of term thing. Parents very generous etc, was mortified on pick up to realise was birthday

Genuine mistakes happen, thus isn't one.

Tv23456 · 14/07/2024 07:00

Why are you tolerating this type of behaviour repeatedly?

YourNimblePeachTraybake · 14/07/2024 07:05

celadora · 14/07/2024 02:00

YANBU. Encourage dd to have other friendships,and taper off the play dates as they’re unreciprocated.

Do they invite dd to birthdays? I would just send a Maltesers box in future and a 25p card.

Don't punish the child for the actions of the parents.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2024 07:06

I think I read it differently to everyone else.

Op - are you saying your dds friend didn't bring a present?

Or are you saying that the parents didn't bring an extra present, but that the friend did?

It was just worded weirdly with the use of the 'parents' for a 10 yr old, but from the replies it's clearly just me who thought that!

Workaholic99 · 14/07/2024 07:09

I ask people not to bring a present for my DD is completely takes the pressure off them and DD gets what she wants from close family. Otherwise we would be drowning in crap. Maybe in some way they have done you a favour.

Bluebirdover · 14/07/2024 07:11

Workaholic99 · 14/07/2024 07:09

I ask people not to bring a present for my DD is completely takes the pressure off them and DD gets what she wants from close family. Otherwise we would be drowning in crap. Maybe in some way they have done you a favour.

Only possibility of two lots of crap and OP is upset by it, so not sure why you think she's need done a favour?

Moglet4 · 14/07/2024 08:01

TemuSpecialBuy · 14/07/2024 00:52

I just dont have time for people like this.

Either drop them socially or verbalise the expected behaviour.
I'd be asking if he forgot them / where dd's birthday card and gift were?

Except that would be even ruder than turning up without a present

Original poster

zebrasarecool · 14/07/2024 08:18

@Edingril & @Hadjab honestly i totally agree with you both, this is a non issue usually, i think i just noticed it because of all the previous experiences with them and feeling used.

Plus the fact that there were only 2 guests and one gave a present and one didn't, it was awkward ro be honest.

I wasn't sure about posting as i appreciate it could come off entitled but i am glad i did as most people have reassured me. And actually someone asked if they invite dd to birthdays and they don't! Cant believe I've just realised that!

I think it really is time to cut ties. If anything just so i dont hold resentment over minor issues!

OP posts:

Original poster

zebrasarecool · 14/07/2024 08:24

@arethereanyleftatall There was no present at all from that family.

I just used "parents" as wouldn't expect a 10 year old to be able to get someone a present without their parents.

Because both parents are friends with dh that is also why i mention them.

OP posts:

Original poster

zebrasarecool · 14/07/2024 08:27

@Moglet4

See i do worry about this. Actually not if it comes across rude to them as honestly they've blown it for me. It's more about ending that friendship (well ending playdates) for the girls as that would be sad. Their dd is so lovely and it would be a shame.

But i do also worry am I teaching my dd that its ok to accept one sided relationships and not have standards?

In the grand scheme of things it seems incredibly petty. But overall how they have made us both feel isnt.

OP posts:

Tv23456 · 14/07/2024 08:55

It is incredibly important to teach your children that relationships are reciprocal IMO.
I don't care if that sounds transactional......better that than your situation.

The parents are users and I wouldn't allow my children to be involved with the children of users by allowing myself, my time, my home to be used.

The girls can play in school but I wouldn't be facilitating things futher.
They have treated you like a mug.

When I did playdates they weren't always 1 for 1 because some mothers worked FT, but they did reciprocate when they could and that was fine.
But if it was a case of no effort whatsoever then I would give them a hard swerve.

Invest in other friendships for your daughter.

celadora · 14/07/2024 09:34

Tv23456 · 14/07/2024 08:55

It is incredibly important to teach your children that relationships are reciprocal IMO.
I don't care if that sounds transactional......better that than your situation.

The parents are users and I wouldn't allow my children to be involved with the children of users by allowing myself, my time, my home to be used.

The girls can play in school but I wouldn't be facilitating things futher.
They have treated you like a mug.

When I did playdates they weren't always 1 for 1 because some mothers worked FT, but they did reciprocate when they could and that was fine.
But if it was a case of no effort whatsoever then I would give them a hard swerve.

Invest in other friendships for your daughter.

Agreed 💯

Ohthatsjustalotofeffort · 14/07/2024 11:17

zebrasarecool · 14/07/2024 08:27

@Moglet4

See i do worry about this. Actually not if it comes across rude to them as honestly they've blown it for me. It's more about ending that friendship (well ending playdates) for the girls as that would be sad. Their dd is so lovely and it would be a shame.

But i do also worry am I teaching my dd that its ok to accept one sided relationships and not have standards?

In the grand scheme of things it seems incredibly petty. But overall how they have made us both feel isnt.

You’re 💯 correct. For some reason it’s like they are using you for childcare and to fund their daughters play dates. They can play in school and that’s it. If they suggest a play date in future maybe meeting in a park for free for an hour type thing. Or sack them off- I would and invest in DD other friends going forward

Moglet4 · 14/07/2024 11:17

zebrasarecool · 14/07/2024 08:27

@Moglet4

See i do worry about this. Actually not if it comes across rude to them as honestly they've blown it for me. It's more about ending that friendship (well ending playdates) for the girls as that would be sad. Their dd is so lovely and it would be a shame.

But i do also worry am I teaching my dd that its ok to accept one sided relationships and not have standards?

In the grand scheme of things it seems incredibly petty. But overall how they have made us both feel isnt.

Ah no, I didn’t mean you would be rude to drop them. They were completely out of order and it seems like they have form. If I were you I would probably just quietly back out from the friendship. What I meant would be disgustingly rude would be to ask the parents where the card and present were / if they’d forgotten them!

TemuSpecialBuy · 14/07/2024 11:18

Tv23456 · 14/07/2024 08:55

It is incredibly important to teach your children that relationships are reciprocal IMO.
I don't care if that sounds transactional......better that than your situation.

The parents are users and I wouldn't allow my children to be involved with the children of users by allowing myself, my time, my home to be used.

The girls can play in school but I wouldn't be facilitating things futher.
They have treated you like a mug.

When I did playdates they weren't always 1 for 1 because some mothers worked FT, but they did reciprocate when they could and that was fine.
But if it was a case of no effort whatsoever then I would give them a hard swerve.

Invest in other friendships for your daughter.

My parents weren’t users but my DHs are.

i 💯 agree with this.

Hadjab · 14/07/2024 12:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2024 02:44

Don't you? Because it's pretty well fixed social behaviour. It's what 99% of people do.

Show quote history

I would always send my kids to parties with a card and a gift. Did I expect others to do the same? Nope. I don’t know what other people’s finances are. More to the point, we didn’t have parties just so that the kids could have more presents, it was about celebrating the birthday boy or girl - presents were always seen as a bonus.

Bluebirdover · 14/07/2024 12:13

@Hadjab you're very virtuous for sure.

I don't think OP invited two attendees for "more" presents.

Hadjab · 14/07/2024 15:22

Bluebirdover · 14/07/2024 12:13

@Hadjab you're very virtuous for sure.

I don't think OP invited two attendees for "more" presents.

It’s not about being virtuous 🙄

I don’t expect celebrations such as birthdays or weddings to be transactional. I’m inviting you because I would like to have you help me celebrate my special event - I don’t expect a gift in return because you’re here. If you want to buy me a gift, then great, it’s very much appreciated. If you turn up empty handed, then great, I appreciate that you turned up 🤷‍♀️

WigglyVonWaggly · 14/07/2024 15:35

They are tight. A card can cost £1 or be home-made. I can’t imagine letting a family pay for an expensive event / ticket for my child to be included in a birthday and not even take a card. However, I wouldn’t punish their seemingly nice daughter for her parents’ rudeness, so I wouldn’t cut the friendship off. But I wouldn’t invite her to expensive events and pay for her anymore. Otherwise the parents just learn that it’s cool to take the piss.

FuzzyStripes · 14/07/2024 15:49

Edingril · 14/07/2024 03:38

Same I would have no idea nor remember who gets my child a present or not I don't keep count

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Bit embarrassing you can’t count one for the present received and two for the number of guests who attended.

Sometimesright · 30/09/2024 21:47

TemuSpecialBuy · 14/07/2024 00:52

I just dont have time for people like this.

Either drop them socially or verbalise the expected behaviour.
I'd be asking if he forgot them / where dd's birthday card and gift were?

I could never do that I would be mortified 😂🤣

StarieNight · 30/09/2024 21:49

Is it bratty to expect a present on your bday age 10 /11?

StressedQueen · 30/09/2024 21:53

Yeah it is pretty bad to be honest. You can find really cute presents for quite cheap and even a card would be sweet. Honestly, I always have a habit of sending my kids with chocolates or sweets to give their friends even if it is just a normal play date so I couldn't imagine not giving a present for a friend's birthday.

At the same time, that's me. I don't think I'd be annoyed if someone did that and there have been people who don't give presents and I do end up just forgetting

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 30/09/2024 22:03

zebrasarecool · 14/07/2024 08:27

@Moglet4

See i do worry about this. Actually not if it comes across rude to them as honestly they've blown it for me. It's more about ending that friendship (well ending playdates) for the girls as that would be sad. Their dd is so lovely and it would be a shame.

But i do also worry am I teaching my dd that its ok to accept one sided relationships and not have standards?

In the grand scheme of things it seems incredibly petty. But overall how they have made us both feel isnt.

Because the choices about play dates and presents are out of her hands it's not her friend who's making the relationship one sided. Given DD could only invite 2 friends and she chose this girl she's either really close to her or felt she needed to invite the daughter of dad's friend. If it's that they're really close I'd talk to her, about how we don't accept one sided relationships but this situation it's hard to tell how her friend would act if she could chose and ask DD what she wants to do. If DD feels she'd rather have this girl at her birthday celebration and no presents then that's what I'd do.
If she feels she needs to include this girl I'd have a different talk about how she can chose her friends and should invite who she wants and that given the one sided dynamic you're thinking of dialing back or even stopping the invites and ask DD how she feels about that.

BabyR · 30/09/2024 22:05

Yabu. Stop doing things if you expect it back.
My child has had another stay over at ours 30+ times, came for parties and food out etc and it’s never crossed my mind that they should do something in return.