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Original poster

Should I tell him

49 replies

nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 21:34

I have just found out that my lovely dad is not my bio father. I really don't know what to do. He is 86 in reasonable health I have no idea if he knows or not should I tell him

OP posts:
BIWI · 13/07/2024 21:36

How did you find out?

Bearpawk · 13/07/2024 21:37

Wow op that's a lot.
Was it through one of those dna tracing things ? I only ask because a friend of mine found out the same thing and was agonising over telling her dad - turned out her folks had struggled to conceive so used a donor. They always thought they'd tell the her but couldn't bring themselves to do it.

Bearpawk · 13/07/2024 21:38

At 86 I probably wouldn't tbh.
Either he knows and doesn't want you to know or he would have told you.
Or he doesn't know and it would be a terrible thing to deal with at his age.

FatmanandKnobbin · 13/07/2024 21:39

I wouldn't tell him in your position.

It must have been a massive shock to you, and a lot to get your head around, I wouldn't be inflicting that shock onto a loving dad in his 80s.

How are you feeling? Is there anyone you can talk to to get more information?

TheStateOfTheArt · 13/07/2024 21:39

Bearpawk · 13/07/2024 21:38

At 86 I probably wouldn't tbh.
Either he knows and doesn't want you to know or he would have told you.
Or he doesn't know and it would be a terrible thing to deal with at his age.

I agree with this. I don’t think any good will come of telling him. He’s your Dad, and nothing will change that.

Cryingout1994 · 13/07/2024 21:40

I wouldn't, he's In his last years, let him live out his days a happy man, he dosnt need the heart break. Imagine finding out your whole life's been built on lies at 86 💔

Createausername1970 · 13/07/2024 21:43

I wouldn't be having that conversation with him at this point, if you have only just made this discovery.

I think you do need to be talking to someone though. Do you have any close relatives who you could talk it through with, who you could trust won't immediately tell everyone else in the family? Someone more of your dad's age who might be able to throw some light on this?

But regardless of the biology, he is still your lovely dad.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 13/07/2024 21:44

No sorry I wouldn’t tell him. What do you want to achieve? He has raised you as his child - he is your father - now at 86 you want to tell him your biologically not his? Why would you do that to him - do you not have A good relationship?

Original poster
nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 21:45

I found out through doing a dna testing. Several of my cousins on my dads side had done one and they all showed up on each others. Mine has come back showing no matches on my dad's side. There is no one I am close enough to ask unfortunately

OP posts:
bergamotorange · 13/07/2024 21:45

Don't do anything just now, you have had a massive shock Flowers

How did you find out?

Give yourself plenty of time to process before you do or say anything that can't be undone/unsaid.

Original poster
nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 21:46

I love my dad very much

OP posts:
MsLavender · 13/07/2024 21:47

If you have high enough matches to establish who your actual bio dad is then perhaps you could contact him to find out information about it before you speak with your dad?

Original poster
nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 21:47

Does anyone know if these dna tests are ever incorrect?

OP posts:
Peoneve · 13/07/2024 21:48

MsLavender · 13/07/2024 21:47

If you have high enough matches to establish who your actual bio dad is then perhaps you could contact him to find out information about it before you speak with your dad?

Dad is 86- chances are biological father is long dead.

PreciousMahoney · 13/07/2024 21:48

That must have come as a huge shock OP.

Like other posters I would say nothing. If he knows already he hasn't shared with you for his own reasons, and if he doesn't it will come as a very big shock at his age.

Neither is beneficial for him to know that you know. He's your dad and you love him, I would keep it to myself.

Big hug

Original poster
nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 21:49

The bio matches are not that high. It is only showing 2 nd cousins on my bio father's side. I'm unsure if to contact them but I am not looking to destroy someone's life

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 13/07/2024 21:49

nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 21:45

I found out through doing a dna testing. Several of my cousins on my dads side had done one and they all showed up on each others. Mine has come back showing no matches on my dad's side. There is no one I am close enough to ask unfortunately

I don't know how accurate these tests are or whether they have to show matches? I have never done one.

Maybe your dad is your dad, but he doesn't share THEIR dna. Is that a possibility?

SinkingFeelingSoph · 13/07/2024 21:49

No don’t tell him! I don’t think anyway… had to come from you.

I wouldn’t necessarily trust the test but don’t know how they work… we had an anomaly in my family but think was down to not enough people having done it from our family

fruitbrewhaha · 13/07/2024 21:49

Bloody hell, you must be in shock.

Even though he’s not your bio father he is your dad though, right?

GrimDamnFanjo · 13/07/2024 21:49

Do you have any matches which you think may be via your bio dad? There's a Facebook group dna angels who may be able to help you.

SinkingFeelingSoph · 13/07/2024 21:50

Createausername1970 · 13/07/2024 21:49

I don't know how accurate these tests are or whether they have to show matches? I have never done one.

Maybe your dad is your dad, but he doesn't share THEIR dna. Is that a possibility?

Show quote history

Oh yes good point!

Original poster
nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 21:52

That is a possibility that I have not thought of. I would like to ask my dad to do a
father daughter dna test but I am unsure what he would say

OP posts:
whathasitgottodowiththepriceofoliveoil · 13/07/2024 21:53

What is it you want out of telling him or what is it you think he would get out of you telling him?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/07/2024 21:56

Ask your dad to do a DNA test for the purposes of researching your family tree. If he agrees, and if you find out he isn't your biological father, you could lie and tell him you haven't submitted it yet if he asks. At his age, I wouldn't tell him in case he genuinely didn't know.

StormingNorman · 13/07/2024 21:56

Oh gosh. I understand you need to speak to someone as you must have so many questions. On balance though, I’m not sure I would say anything at this point. Either he doesn’t know or he didn’t want you to know. I’m not sure what good could come of raising this.