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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell him

49 replies

nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 21:34

I have just found out that my lovely dad is not my bio father. I really don't know what to do. He is 86 in reasonable health I have no idea if he knows or not should I tell him

OP posts:

Despair1 · 13/07/2024 22:01

TheStateOfTheArt · 13/07/2024 21:39

I agree with this. I don’t think any good will come of telling him. He’s your Dad, and nothing will change that.

Show quote history

Spot on

YorkshireTeaBiscuits · 13/07/2024 22:03

So sorry to hear this, is your mum around that you could ask?

Or the other possibilty already suggested is that your dad isnt biologically related to his own family.

Luminousalumnus · 13/07/2024 22:08

Bloody hell, I'm 62, Dad is 86. If I found out he wasn't my biological father I certainly wouldn't be telling him at his age. No. The shock would stop with me.

Tbry24 · 13/07/2024 22:13

No do not tell him he is your dad and will always be your dad.

I’ve been working on my family tree and DNA testing for a number of years to try to trace a missing grandparent. So just work on your tree and distant matches for now, build a tree for them see hoe you may fit in. Also just because you don’t match with your cousins your dad could still be your biological father it’s just one of his parents was not his biological parent. Is he likely to agree to a dna test for your family tree? That would really help you work it out.

Original poster

nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 22:20

I don't know if he would agree to a dna test. He worked in the medical field before he retired so he would question it. Sadly my mum is no longer with us

OP posts:

CherrySocks · 13/07/2024 22:42

I wouldn't tell him, personally, but I would ask him to do a DNA test. Did you do the test on Ancestry? You don't need him to do a father-daughter test, just an ordinary autosomal test. Why would he object? I've asked various cousins etc to do DNA tests just to help with more distant genealogy as they all have different bits. You would specifically find out if you are 50% related to him. It's possible he isn't related to the cousins for some other reason, eg he could have been adopted.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/07/2024 22:45

nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 22:20

I don't know if he would agree to a dna test. He worked in the medical field before he retired so he would question it. Sadly my mum is no longer with us

If I were you, I would ask him to do one of the ancestry tests under the guise that you want to research your family tree.

SleepPrettyDarling · 13/07/2024 22:47

I’m not sure if I’ve missed this but is there a likelihood the he already knows; eg married your mum 60 years ago and honourably never mentioned it? Whatever about him being told (and at his age, I’d be inclined to not), do you have a burning want to find your biological dad, and is this an imperative right now?

AuntieDolly · 13/07/2024 23:17

Could it just be that his dna isn't on the register? Or am I being stupid?

AzureAnt · 13/07/2024 23:23

There is a possibility that he knows. I don't think it's a good idea to tell him if he doesn't actually know. He's your Dad. He loves you. You love him
Don't break his heart at this stage in his life x

Julyshouldbesunny · 13/07/2024 23:25

I have a man who is by dna my father but has never been a dad.
You are very lucky to have had a dad you have loved your entire life. Don't let lack of dna change that.

ProvincialLady2024 · 13/07/2024 23:42

nailvarnishis · 13/07/2024 21:46

I love my dad very much

At this point, I wonder, if that is all that really matters?

OrigamiOwls · 14/07/2024 00:05

I don't think any good would come of telling him at this stage.

randomchap · 14/07/2024 00:08

You love him

He is your dad

What good will it do telling him? He may already know and has loved you as his daughter for many years.

No good can come of you telling him.

PippyLongTits · 14/07/2024 00:09

The man who raised me is my father. A DNA test wouldn't change that even if the DNA didn't match.

Saltedbutter · 14/07/2024 00:13

Please don’t put him through this.

He either:

A) knows. If he wanted you to know he’d have said.
B) doesn’t know and will be broken hearted.

The news must be a real shock for you. Really sorry!

User79853257976 · 14/07/2024 00:14

No, don’t tell him.

PowerVandhana1986 · 14/07/2024 00:17

True. Yesterday about school stuff with little sister.

Apileofballyhoo · 14/07/2024 00:22

PPs have an excellent point in that he could well be your biological father but he himself was adopted or is not his own father's biological son.

thequeenoftarts · 14/07/2024 00:25

Is your dad named on your birth cert? I think if he loves you, and you love him does anything else really matter?

TyneTeas · 14/07/2024 00:34

It's early days since you got the news so no need to act impulsively or quickly. Take a breath and think it through.

What are the benefits/positive impacts of talking to him about it for both you and him

What are the negatives/ undesirable outcomes for both of you.

Are the benefits enough to outweigh the negatives?

TyneTeas · 14/07/2024 00:35

And

YorkshireTeaBiscuits · 14/07/2024 10:22

YorkshireTeaBiscuits · 13/07/2024 22:03

So sorry to hear this, is your mum around that you could ask?

Or the other possibilty already suggested is that your dad isnt biologically related to his own family.

Edited

I think it is more likely that your dad is your biological father but he isnt completely related to his own siblings. This is quite common particularly if he was a WW2 baby. Due to affairs, adoption, people killed in action etc lots of babies born during the war dont share DNA with their families.

Sunnydiary · 14/07/2024 10:35

Does your dad know you were doing the test? Did he react to it in any way?

I think I would ask him to do an Ancestry test just to help complete the family tree etc and see what comes of that.

I would want to know, but no, I wouldn’t tell him if it came back that he isn’t your biological father.

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