Would you be miffed?

[notthefavourite]

Two daughters

Dd1 lives opposite end of the country
Dd2 lives a twenty min drive from dp

Dd1 rings dp weekly and visits 2-3 times a year

Dd2 visits a couple times a week, picks stuff up from the shop, arranges and takes to medical appointments , deals with any household issues, does meter readings, gives lifts if need.

Last time dd1 visited, they gave her £100 as she walked the dog while visiting (3 walks I think) She doesn't stay with dp, she either stays with dd2 , hotel or friends.

They have never offered dd2 any money for petrol/time.

Obviously I'm dd2, am I right to be miffed?

Yes I would

Depends. Is DD2 (you) well off and is DD1 struggling for cash?
Have you ever asked for petrol money?

I'm married with kids . We are comfortable but not high earners. Dsis earns more than me but less than my dh. She lives with a friend, no kids. We earn more but have higher outgoings. Dsis owns her house outright.

Tbf our parents probably see me as more financially secure but dsis is probably slightly better off.

No I never ask for money.

Yes I'd feel the same as you. I think you're taken for granted.

Yes I would feel miffed.

But also I would wonder why DP feel they needed to give DD1 the money. Are they anxious they won’t keep seeing her unless they make the visits worth her while / recompense her for inconvenience?

Overall I would probably take solace that my relationship with my parents was of a different quality and beyond money (which I realise is easier to say if it isn’t money you especially need). While it isn’t ‘fair’ in the childish sense, I’m also not sure that I would want a relationship with my parents where they had to pay me to do little errands and favours.

Yes I'd probably feel annoyed too but I'd look at this way. You are the consistent, present, dependable, caring child. You are there. Your sibling isn't (though I'm not saying they aren't those things- they just aren't available like you are), so they are almost 'paying' for them to be present, as if if they give something they will come more. Hopefully they see that too consciously but if they don't maybe subconsciously.

Age old story of the prodigal son (or in this case daughter)
very common and also, in my opinion, very unfair.

Talk to your parents! Before resentment builds, before the will is cast 80/20 in your sisters favour.

Thank you this is a lovely way to look at it

Thank you everyone

Yep, it's the prodigal son thing isn't it!

I was you, whilst my DS lived the other side of the world, but ringing me to tell me what o should do and when.

I don’t think I’d have able to stop myself nicely asking why they paid her for walking the dog, the answer might have been quite revealing.

Yes, I’d be miffed. Was the money for dog walking or help towards travel costs?

How did it come about that they paid her? I’d probably have to ask them if it was true, knowing it was but wanting to start a conversation about it.

Not sure maybe both

I'm not sure how it came about dm mentioned it in passing. It's possible she complained about being skint.

I don't feel I can raise it with my parents it feels grabby.

In the past if they have given money it's been the same. So when I got married they gave the same to dsis.

Dsis has commented before that my family get more at Xmas. But we all get the same pp. so say we get £100 each. She complained my family gets £300 and she gets £100. But I don't spend dh or dc money.

Yes id be miffed.
My mother was same. At time i was the one struggling more than other siblings. I used to pay 50 quid for return train fares to help her...300 mile trip...to add id also buy food. At time it really skint me...she knew too. My sister ... Well paid job at time..mum gave her 100 quid.(Not first time either)..in essence for showing up. Mum never so much as gave me a tenner.
Stopped making effort.

Now, you see most people would call that a drip feed.

Dsis has commented before that my family get more at Xmas. But we all get the same pp. so say we get £100 each. She complained my family gets £300 and she gets £100.

I'm not saying that I totally agree with her, but having been in this position, it can feel (childishly) like this is punishment for being single and not having kids... I would never have said anything about it, but for a while our parents decided that adults no longer got presents at Christmas, only kids. Which as the only couple without kids was a bit galling! So I don't necessarily agree with your dsis for complaining about it, but I can see why it would bother her.

You sound bitter.

It's not inconceivable that you see your parents often and presumably spend time together doing enjoyable things such as eating together as well as you're helping hem with chores, so when your sister comes only a few times a year they want to gift her in lieu of her not doing the regular enjoyable things together.

peculiar to offer the money - but even more bizarre of DS to accept it.

OP does not sound bitter, she sounds put upon.

Not bitter maybe unseen

@EnterFunnyNameHere

I kind of understand, so they are thinking of the families with children (albeit through the children) at Xmas but not thinking of you.

It doesn't depend.

At the very least, you treat your children equally.

Reasonably, you should show gratitude. It's not normal to give money to a child, and nothing to the other, it's even worst when one does everything and the other nothing.