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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are ‘night-before-the-wedding’ gifts a thing?

53 replies

vercd · 13/07/2024 15:41

I’m bridesmaid for my cousin and her friend is maid of honour. I met the friend for the first time at the hen do and quickly realised she was the domineering personality type but overall the weekend was enjoyable and went smoothly. Now she is planning a surprise night before the wedding celebration with bridesmaids and close friends.

She has requested we all purchase something off a list she has made with links to each item (it has candles, perfume, chocolates, wine, cosmetics, pyjamas and other items which are between £20-£40 each). She’s asked us to wrap the gifts in pink paper, bring them to her when we arrive and she will give them to my cousin on behalf of us all. She also wants £10 each to cover nibbles and drinks for the group that evening.

Unless my cousin acts differently with her friendship group this doesn’t seem like something she would want. I wasn’t planning on buying gifts for her as we all paid for the hen and I will of course get a wedding gift for her.

I didn’t realise gift giving before the wedding was a thing. I haven’t replied yet and I don’t know how to navigate this! Wwyd?

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 13/07/2024 16:26

It’s not a thing. The bride is meant to give the bridesmaids a thank you gift for being her bridesmaids, on the day of the wedding. The bridesmaids just buy wedding presents for the couple. ‘Night before the wedding’ gifts aren’t something most people will even have heard of.

bridgetreilly · 13/07/2024 16:26

Check with the bride.

SmudgeButt · 13/07/2024 16:32

Where I come from there's a wedding rehearsal the day/evening before (do you do that here?) and then a meal before everyone goes home and relaxes. But no presents and not much drinking so that everyone can (hopefully) get a good night's sleep.

CountryMumof4 · 13/07/2024 16:38

If someone had sprung an (albeit well intentioned) surprise party on me the night before my wedding, I'd have been so frustrated. I'd have gone with good grace and not shown it, but most brides want a chilled evening and as much sleep as possible before the big day - all the prep the next day usually starts so early and you want to be fresh for it. I wonder how your cousin will feel about it? I know it's meant to be a surprise, but unless you know she loves that kind of thing, I think I'd be giving her a heads up, minus all the details.

JohnTheRevelator · 13/07/2024 16:40

I wondered when this would happen! We've already got Christmas Eve boxes and night before Easter Sunday presents. It was inevitable that this would be the next thing.

Boomer55 · 13/07/2024 16:42

Never heard of it. 🙄

PerkyMintDeer · 13/07/2024 16:44

I'd actually check with the bride.

"Cousin, domineering moh has just sent the details about the get together with you the night before the wedding and sent gift suggestions, but is there anything specifically you'd like from me for around £20? x"

There'd be nothing worse than an ambush and if you know she'd not want any of this it might be good to have a heads-up at least.

One of my friends hated any kind of thing like this and her SIL set up a surprise Bridal Shower which I was invited to and it was all getting filled with the sort of things she'd hate. I was caught between a rock and a hard place but eventually I was able to talk to her closest relative and say I was bit nervous as she hates Bridal Showers/Baby Showers/Sip and Sees/Hen Parties etc. Relative discreetly told her and the event got toned down a heck of a lot and I was thanked profusely afterwards!

cloudy477654 · 13/07/2024 16:50

I think chipping in for snacks sounds nice but the gifts are a bit much, especially as you're all paying for wedding gifts too and have paid for a hen do.
Depends how much you want to rock the boat though I guess. I hate confrontation so would probably just end up buying a £20 gift!

PerkyMintDeer · 13/07/2024 16:55

Oh and it's not a thing in my part of the UK (even though in my religion we have a rehearsal the night before) but I have heard and seen on social media that some American Brides and Grooms send each other gifts the night before or morning of the wedding...maybe she's got confused.

DappledThings · 13/07/2024 16:58

SmudgeButt · 13/07/2024 16:32

Where I come from there's a wedding rehearsal the day/evening before (do you do that here?) and then a meal before everyone goes home and relaxes. But no presents and not much drinking so that everyone can (hopefully) get a good night's sleep.

Not a thing here. One of the many things that annoyed me at the Friends episodes in London was that they had a rehearsal dinner which was totally anachronistic.

If you're having a church wedding there's often a small rehearsal but only involving the couple and maybe a parent or bridesmaid or 2 if they're about. We did ours on the Thursday so not the night before and nothing after it.

We did invite everyone who was already up for the weekend and wanted to to join us in the pub for dinner the night before but that was totally informal and not a part of the wedding.

PerkyMintDeer · 13/07/2024 17:02

If you're having a church wedding there's often a small rehearsal but only involving the couple and maybe a parent or bridesmaid or 2 if they're about. We did ours on the Thursday so not the night before and nothing after it.

That's the equivalent of what I was talking about. No one dresses up or anything, they tend to just show up, go home after, no "rehearsal dinner".

twentysevendresses · 13/07/2024 17:14

Utter nonsense! I'd be saying that to the bossy organiser too!

Chartreux · 13/07/2024 17:16

Not only is the bride unlikely to want this for herself, she would probably rather that her bridesmaids were having a quiet evening so that they are rested and refreshed for the wedding day.

BettyBardMacDonald · 13/07/2024 17:25

twentysevendresses · 13/07/2024 17:14

Utter nonsense! I'd be saying that to the bossy organiser too!

She's treating the occasion like a girls party week away for a Taylor Swift gig instead of a serious life milestone.

Just tell her you're going to be resting for the day ahead and that the bride likely needs to, as well.

Ewock · 13/07/2024 17:32

Blimey there's no end to all these extras now. We had a meal in a pub near the hotel where most people were staying.
We told people we'd be there if they fancied it, but I didn't expect many other than family (who had travelled and staying in the hotel that jight) to come.
Lots of our friends surprised and came, no way would I have expected any one to bring gifts the jught before the wedding! Very bizarre

violetposie · 13/07/2024 17:36

I've never heard of night before the wedding gifts, but every time I've been a bridesmaid (4) we've all stayed together with the bride the night before and had a bit of a drink. For my wedding, my DH and I stayed together, but we went to the pub and had drinks with any guests who were staying nearby and wanted to!

JaneAustensHeroine · 13/07/2024 17:43

No they are not!

Rhaidimiddim · 13/07/2024 17:47

No bride needs a surprise the night before the wedding. What is the plan - bowl up to her house after work, muscle in on her evening and emotionally ambush her, when she (most likely) has her evening carefully planned?

inlandriverview · 13/07/2024 17:50

Dont tell me....matching robes for all the gals🤪

inlandriverview · 13/07/2024 17:50

Avoid the list and buy her a bottle of booze

sleepercellspy · 13/07/2024 17:53

violetposie · 13/07/2024 17:36

I've never heard of night before the wedding gifts, but every time I've been a bridesmaid (4) we've all stayed together with the bride the night before and had a bit of a drink. For my wedding, my DH and I stayed together, but we went to the pub and had drinks with any guests who were staying nearby and wanted to!

Same. As a bridesmaid I've always had the night before with the bride. This was either at home or at the pub or hotel the night before. Never done the gift thing though.

CarolinaInTheMorning · 13/07/2024 17:54

Gifts given the night before a wedding are traditional in the US, but they are given by the bride and groom to the wedding party at the rehearsal dinner, not to the bride by members of the wedding party.

Original poster
vercd · 13/07/2024 18:32

Ok so I’ve contacted the friend and I don’t think she liked what I was saying. She said she’s checked with my cousin and she doesn’t want a night on her own so the surprise mini celebration will be fine.

Maybe I’ve misjudged the situation.

Still not sure about the gifts tho

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 13/07/2024 18:40

Try and find out what your cousin would really like. Maybe a voucher for a meal out?

I would hate to receive a load of useless tat.

Thevelvelletes · 13/07/2024 18:42

GalileoHumpkins · 13/07/2024 15:56

She's trying to cover herself in glory as thoughtful best friend. Just say you don't want to spend anymore money, you've already bought a wedding gift and that will have to suffice.

In bucket loads ,ooo look what I've organised just for me/you.