About Christmas plans involving my daughter this year?

[Xmassss]

Name changed. Our dd is 4. My ex and I agreed that we would have her alternate Christmas’s. Last year, 2023 he had her from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day and he brought her back to me at about noon.

This year, my parents have rented a house by the sea for us to have Christmas at from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day. The place is about 2hrs and 30 minutes away.

When I told my ex that this is what we’re doing, he wasn’t happy because he feels it’s too far away. I suggested that he could have dd for Boxing Day night but he feels that she will be too tired by the time we get back.

He seems to feel that I’m taking her too far away and that I should have consulted him first before arranging this. I don’t see it that way because from my point of view, it’s my year to have her over Christmas so I didn’t think it would make a difference to him what I decided to do.

AIBU?

Not unreasonable at all as long as you get her back at a decent time on Boxing Day. I think he’s just jealous.

He's being a bit silly (why does it matter if she's a couple of hours away?), but I guess he's just sad about not seeing her,

If he had said last year hey why don't you pop over Xmas morning so you can see her opening prezzies then he would have a leg to stand on
Presuming he didn't he just needs to suck it up and mind his own.

I think you (both) should have been clearer about what you meant about alternating Christmases.

I can see both points of view - from yours this is "your" Christmas. However, from his, last year you had DD from lunchtime on Boxing Day which is a large chunk of the day and not at all the same as just dropping her round in the evening when she is tired.

yanbu moving forward to prevent this from been an issue I’d suggested changed contact to Christmas Eve or even 23rd to morning of 27th.

Most rentals need you out by mid morning anyway. Christmas dinner leftover sandwiches in the car with something out of her selection box plus a good nap and she'll be fighting fit to do it all over again when you drop her off just after lunchtime.
I'm not really sure what he's fussing about tbh.

Well, the way I remember it (as does my older dd) is that last year, he wanted to drop her off reasonably early on Boxing Day because in his words ‘it’s the busiest time of the year’.

I didn’t mind what time she came back. I am fairly laid back about it. But he does get very tired and I remember that being the reason why he wanted to bring her back. She’s our youngest child and we were both older when we had her - I’m now 44 and he’s 55.

I have even said that he could have her again this year if he feels so upset about it but I think he will be tired and I won’t be happy if he expects me to come back early.

Yes, that’s what I said - we have to vacate by 11am.

what you do on your time is your business. If he wants her back by noon Boxing Day just leave a bit earlier. It’s hardly a drama to leave by 10 instead of 11

I agree he really cannot dictate what you do so long as you have her back for "his" time. Tbh with kids that young it would probably be better from their point of view to be home, rested and see the other parent on the 27th..they won't notice much and will cope better with the 2nd Xmas than doing it on consecutive days. My ex and I are hundreds of miles apart. We transfer on the 23rd- 27th ish usually. Needing to see the child on Xmas or boxing day itself is more about the parents than the child.

Do you mean that you were not planning to return her by noon on Boxing Day? If so then YABU. From the age of 6 my DD spend alternate christmases with each of us. This was the only time when we stuck to specific times for collection and returns. 5 pm on Christmas Eve to 12 noon on Boxing Day. Whoever she was with on Christmas Eve morning would drop her off and the other parent would pick her up on Boxing Day. This happened until she was about 15 and wanted to make her own mind up - which in reality meant she’d just sleep in on Boxing Day wherever she was 😂

We haven’t agreed a specific time. But of course we won’t be back late because we have to be out by 11.

It's none of his business really is it.

Tell him to bog off.

@Xmassss will she sleep in the car on the drive back? In which case she will have plenty of energy when you get back - but you will need to drive back after lunch. normally checkout is 10am anyway so should be possible to get her back at a sensible time

I suggested that he could have dd for Boxing Day night

Why, if you have to be out by 11.00 and it's less than three hours drive?

His moaning for moaning sake.

How much does he normally have her? Does she normally stay over night with him?

At the moment he has her every Saturday and brings her back at 5pm on Sunday.

So when do you get fun not school days with her. Doesn’t sound very fair.

If she was back with you by noon on Boxing Day last year could you get her back to him for noon this year? Just set off at 10am.

He has her every weekend? Do you work Monday to Friday?

What’s the plan for when she starts school? When do you get to go to the zoo or day trip with her?

Also why would you offer him Christmas again just because he doesn’t like your plans? Your daughter is entitled to Christmas with her mum too! As long as you have a plan to have her with him at lunchtime on Boxing Day, as he did with you, then why would you give that up ?

Ha I totally missed she’s only four but yeah what happens come September when she’s at school all day and then his all weekend. You just get boring mummy homework and he gets Disney dad

I think you need to both be clearer about what you mean by "over Christmas". That to me would imply from Christmas Eve to 27th December, not half way through Boxing Day. Surely that's a pain for everyone. I do think he's making a fuss for the sake of it though.

Dropping off on Boxing Day at eg 6pm is v different from 12 noon. I can see why he's put out if you suggested 6pm

But you could bring her back for 12.30pm quite easily

Be kind to yourselves. You're still quite new to co-parenting and it takes time to iron out these issues

Well we will certainly be back by early afternoon. She will be 5 by this time and rarely sleeps in the car. She had dropped her daytime nap by 2yo.