About Christmas plans involving my daughter this year?

[Xmassss]

Name changed. Our dd is 4. My ex and I agreed that we would have her alternate Christmas’s. Last year, 2023 he had her from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day and he brought her back to me at about noon.

This year, my parents have rented a house by the sea for us to have Christmas at from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day. The place is about 2hrs and 30 minutes away.

When I told my ex that this is what we’re doing, he wasn’t happy because he feels it’s too far away. I suggested that he could have dd for Boxing Day night but he feels that she will be too tired by the time we get back.

He seems to feel that I’m taking her too far away and that I should have consulted him first before arranging this. I don’t see it that way because from my point of view, it’s my year to have her over Christmas so I didn’t think it would make a difference to him what I decided to do.

AIBU?

Christmas Eve falls on a Tuesday this year.

Could he spend a really lovely pre-Christmas weekend with her, returning her to you on the 23rd and then collecting her again later in the week?

Re: the weekends. I have suggested we do alternate weekends but he doesn't want to - he says he will miss her too much.

You're right as well that she should be having Christmas with me as well some years. From her point of view that's also the right thing.

As long as she’s back for 12 then. O problem surely? Agree with PP best to start thinking about a change for Sept if you haven’t already…

He can surely see her a night or two during the week when it’s not his weekend.

It’s not fair on your or her to never have a weekend together.

It's absolutely none of his business, I think he's probably a bit of a controlling twat and doesn't want her to have fun with you, which is also why he doesn't want to share weekends either.

It's not for him to decide what you do when it's your turn to have DD. As long as you're dropping her off early afternoon on Boxing Day, he's got nothing to complain about. Ignore him and stick to your plans.

Can he do anytime during the week on normal weeks, or do Friday evening to Saturday evening on some weekends so at least you get one fun day with her? What happens in holidays?

It's your Christmas, you get to make the decisions. Christmas is always tiring for small children.

What has worked for us is instead of having back-and-forth over the Christmas period, we alternate the Christmas week, which is the first week of the Christmas holidays, so for example last year we had 19th-27th December, and this year we will have 30th Dec-5th Jan. It works a bit better because they can settle in and relax without having to be ready to pack up and go somewhere every few days. Just a suggestion.

Where you spend it is not his business

It’s not about him. Contact (with both of you) is for her benefit and she’s entitled to nice times with you too.

She’ll miss out on relaxed times and days out with you if he has every weekend.

Same with Christmas.

I’d use this to sort out your arrangements more formally if I was you. He can’t dictate every weekend and where you spend Christmas, that’s not on.

Time to get the weekends sorted out, Christmases formalised and think ahead to the school holidays and the split of them.

Dont set the precedent of him having all the nice times now as it’ll be harder to change later.

It is your Christmas to have her this year and you can go / do whatever you want . WRT the weekends you need to get this sorted , even if that means getting a court involved , otherwise you will always be doing all the school / grunt times and he gets to be Disney dad every Saturday . EOW and some time in the week is much fairer .

I'd kill the every weekend thing anyway. It's not fair to you. He can have a mid-week night instead every week along with EOW. She'll be starting school and you'll want some of the 'fun down times' as well as the daily grind.

He can go to court over it if he's not happy. A court would likely agree with you.

is she at school yet, because if not, then starting a new regime come september is a good idea. He needs to have an overnight in the week, so to be doing a school run in an afternoon or morning, or sorting childcare. Otherwise you will end up with all the gruntwork, while he gets to play Disney Dad at the weekends.

does he do her laundry while she is there?

That’s kind of your parents.

I think that you should get her to him by lunch time on BD (which is what you’ve said you’ll do in one of your posts) and I also think that it’s not ok for him to veto the holiday.

YANBU

2.5 hours away is nothing. It's not like you're taking her to another country! He's being really silly.

He is not ever easy going - everything is always a problem . I am always happy to make adjustments for him. For example, it was his sister in laws birthday last week and he was invited to go to her party and I was happy for him to have dd Friday to Saturday instead so he could go to the party on Saturday evening.,

He is now saying to me that we agreed that every year, one of us would have her Christmas Day and the other would have her Boxing Day - we never agreed this.

He twists everything and I’m exhausted from it. It seems like I need a signed agreement from him about everything otherwise he rewrites history.

You just go along with whatever he wants as though you're still married to the controlling so-and-so. I know you say you don't mind and you're easy going, but is that really true? Are you really honestly happy to do all the donkey work of school runs, homework, busy mornings and evenings, just for him to swan in and take over every single weekend and monopolise ALL of the fun, easy time?

Are you worried about his reaction if you say no? Why are you even giving any headspace to this latest demand RE Christmas? Quite clearly it's none of his business and I think most people would just tell him that. It's like you're still stuck in a dynamic where he calls all the shots.

What do you think he will do if you say "I want DD every other weekend"? Or if you say "I'll do what I want with her during our time together"? Are you worried he will withhold maintenance or make life hard?

I think you need to draw some boundaries with him for both you and your daughter's sake. Put together a parenting plan stating clearly when you are both having her. Standard for a NRP would be EOW Friday night-Monday morning plus at least one night in the week. If he "can't do" weeknights then that's unfortunate for him but doesn't mean you have to sacrifice every weekend with your daughter. Make sure Easter, Christmas and half terms along with things like birthdays and Father's and Mother's Day are all included, work out where you can compromise and where you can't and get a signature on it from both of you. Both you and your DD need consistency and surety.

@Xmassss

You absolutely need a formal court ordered agreement if he's going to start moving the chess pieces on you or say things were agreed on that weren't.

I agree that your time (and by extension his time) with DD is exactly that, yours/his. So what you/he choose to do or where you/he choose to go is none of the other's business. BUT, before you clamp down on that, take a moment to decide what the 'worst case scenario' would be if he decided to play tit for tat. Then decide if it's worth it.

As far as him having her every weekend because he'd 'miss her too much' then I'd suggest that he have her EOW plus an overnight in the week where you have her that weekend. You deserve some downtime with DD, especially if you work full time and she's in daycare and/or when she starts school.

Sorry, for the avoidance of any doubt when I said ‘Boxing Day night’. What I actually meant was that she could go to his when we get home and then stay at his Boxing Day over night.

He’s being unreasonable, he had her the three days last year so it’s only fair you get her the same amount the year. What you do in that time isn’t really any of his business. You’re taking her on essentially a family holiday over Christmas not to an underground crack den. If he wants to shift the goal posts he can start messing with the schedule on his year, next year. I suggest saying you will get a formalised agreement in place since he can’t seem to remember what was agreed when it doesn’t suit his mood.

It's got nothing to do with him what you do or where you go during your Christmas time. Oh and if he's now claiming that you both agreed one of you has Christmas Day and one of you has Boxing Day, how come he didn't stick to that last year! He's moving the goalposts - tell him to sod off!
Oh and it's totally unfair that you don't get any weekends with her! I think you need to go to the courts and get something set in stone.

When do you get quality time with her on a weekend? This isn’t fair at all, to you or your daughter. Why do you get all the drudge of school and no opportunity for days out?

He has read the “How to Be a Disney Dad” book from cover to cover hasnt he, or maybe he wrote it.

Think about what is going to happen in September when your dd is in school.

Who will do the school runs, sort out the before and after school care, and has all the early morning getting ready and night time routines to deal with. Who will be dealing with buying uniform, school shoes, packed lunch boxes, lost water bottles, book bags, lost cardigans, sorting clean uniform every day, finding suitable clothes for last minute fund raising days, remembering to send in permission slips, pound coins, tins of food for harvest festival etc etc etc. Clue, not him.

And who will be having relaxed starts to Saturday and Sunday mornings every week, Saturday night movie nights with pizza, fun times at swimming class, visits to the city farm, the zoo, impromptu day trips to the seaside and the funfair? Clue, not you.

If he won’t “agree” amicably to a better arrangement for mid week and weekends ( and Christmas/ New Year/ birthday/ Mother’s Day/ Fathers day ) with your dd then you have no alternative but to go down the legal route and get access arrangements court mandated.

Is it easy to get things through court without a whole load of stress for me?