Gambling lies

[OhBurggerGeorge]

Im not expecting miracles but I just don’t know who you’d even speak to with this crap.

i suspect dh is gambling somewhere around £500 a month.. or possibly more if he’s winning iykwm. He was paid 2 weeks ago and now claims to be skint, can’t do anything etc though his wage is a decent amount for our area. I don’t even know how I ask if he has tossed it all away on bets. I know he gambles but he claims he gets “free bet/spin” offers all the time, not daft but never has he been out of cash so fast.

Bank accounts are separate his salary goes into his he pays his bills from his and mine goes into mine, we’ve split costs as items like he pays the utilities I pay the food shop so there’s no transferring between accounts or joint accounts, there’s not even paper statements to check if I’ve over thought it/prove myself right.

Confronting him is near impossible as we have the dcs around and he tends to just shut off and literally not speak if he thinks we’re arguing which drives me up the wall in it’s own right.

I just genuinely don’t know what to do, I don’t want it to escalate to a point it’s affecting the family.

blatantly name changed for obvious reasons

You need to have a conversation or if that's impossible perhaps the only way is writing him a letter. I am not into gambling at all, the way I would deal with if there was to be any way the relationship would continue is to get his salary paid into an account I manage and then I'd transfer an agreed 'allowance' into his account. If he can't behave like a responsible adult he needs to be treated like a child. Make sure his bad choices can't ruin your credit rating although since you have separate accounts that should be fine. I would also check he is actually paying the bills he's meant to be paying.

I gamble, but l also do lots of free daily spins on many sites.
However l have a budget now and if l lose l stop. l can afford it and I'm not skint the rest of month. I know the bookies always win
He's probaley lying to you, my DP hates it when l gamble l always say its free spins when it's not.
Ask him to show the sites he's on they will show a profit and lose balance in his account Not just this month but the lifetime balance.

Sounds like he's blowing it all. If he claims to be skint then he is talking to you. Can you not ask why he's skint? Which will lead to mentioning gambling. Tell him you're worried for the family and can you see his gambling account.

Give the gamcare helpline a call on 0808 8020 133. They will be able to offer you advice and can direct you to support in your area. If you go on their website then their is a family and affected other forum you can read to get some advice from people who are affected by someone else's gambling.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately problem gambling can be very hidden and even the people who are gambling problematically can be in a lot if denial about their gambling.

The problem with log in n show me your account is he’s on multiple sites, I know this just from seeing bits when walking past or junk mail leaflet things.

The I’m skint only comes up when I’ve asked if he wants to do xyz. Instantly shut down after or leaves for work.. planning things to do over weekend/holidays type stuff not major purchases.

Attempting to speak to him will be fun no doubt, letter would just be ignored or lost probably too easy to avoid

I do a lot of matched betting and you generally only get free bets/spins if you bet first. 'Bet £10 to get £5 free bet', 'Bet £10 to get 10 free spins' etc. Occasionally they'll offer you 5 spins or 3 spins for free, but it's to try and hook you in.

I sympathise OP, my dp is a gambler and has been since the age of 8. It's all he knew and seen growing up, im at my wits end with it all but it is an addiction, sadly.

My husband gambles. Too much and has done ever since I’ve known him. We have separate finances for this reason.

Had many high and lows over the years because of it.

We both have x amount spare a month and his is usually spent on gambling. This is after all bills are accounted for an up to now we’ve never not paid a bill on time.

On a bad month, he blows his wages and is skint 1/2 days after payday. Usually followed by a few days of moods/sulking.
On a good month, he has a some winners and we do something like book a holiday- husband is also a spender.

It is tough and still does cause problems from time to time but we do seem to have come to a mutual (ish) compromise.

Can totally understand why this would be unacceptable for others.

You’re never going to know unless you speak him but to be honest when you do, I wouldn’t expect the truth from him. Gambling and lying unfortunately go hand in hand
Can he afford what he’s spending? Are you worried about it being an addiction/getting into debt?

At the moment debt isn’t the main concern as it seems to be within his means.. however what happens if something big needs replaced? We should be comfortable enough to front it within reason.. like I couldn’t pull a new car out of fresh air but like kitchen appliances etc shouldn’t be an issue to half in for. Or if anything happened to his job obviously we’d instantly be halved on budget and would he be able to just stop or would that then become a major issue.

yes I’ve seen it’s definitely not oh £20 free credit because it’s Tuesday! I’m well aware the luring in offers won’t be super or given out every day to everyone.

Fortunately the bills he pays are solely in his name so if he doesn’t pay something my credit ratings not going with it. Thinking on it I’ve noticed he’s hardly bought himself anything, clothes/shoes etc, in quite possibly at least the last two years, but I could tie that to times he’s won something decent.

OP, do you actually know the extent of his gambling? He seems to only talk to you about it when he is broke.

Is the house safeguarded? Children's money? No ability to take out additional loans and credit cards in your name or against the house? If you don't know then I would find out.

My father gambled. We had so little money in the family because of it. The house was nearly lost, four children under 7 and we'd just moved; my Mother never really recovered from it. It definitely blighted our childhoods and quite a bit beyond.

Your situation may not be serious but, you can never, ever trust a gambler. Their 'addiction' is all important. Make sure that you and your children are insulated.

I became addicted to online casinos a couple of years ago. I know it sounds stupid but it’s such a hard habit to kick, it’s so easily accessible, I kept blocking accounts but then the next day just opened another. If your partner wants to stop, or you can convince him to stop, I would get him to register with gamstop, it means you can’t register with new sites and it blocks any sites your already registered with. You can also block payments to gambling sites from your banking app so you can’t use your card in the bookies.

This ^

Honestly after being the child in this situation growing up I would walk away the minute I found out my partner was gambling. Gamblers never stop gambling in my experience so leave now before it fucks up your kids any more than it already has would be my advice.

Interested to know how he gambled from age 8 or did you mean 18?

Do you have someone who can take the kids for a few hours so you both can talk?

Regardless of what he's spending the money on you would be totally reasonable to want to have a chat about money and household budget.

Doesn't really matter if it's within his means, surely it matters because you're a family and this is money that is being deprived of the family.

I know the kids money is safe, all of that comes through my name or into a savings account linked to my account. The house is his, it was before I was here though like years before.

No one could take them for a bit, too small really to go out play etc too. Probably too young to understand the issue either, neither have missed out on anything but that’s more on me. I like going places/doing things so I’m usually the one fronting and organising activities I’m also at home more for that.

I can totally see how easy it is to get sucked in, even googling gambling info, incase I could check the routers history or something… i can block it to the actual wifi though… it was constant adverts.

Yes. But you are now married. That makes all the difference in the world - and should do to him also.

Probably too young to understand the issue either, neither have missed out on anything

Honestly you're deluding yourself if you think this is true. Of course they've missed out and if they don't already know what's going on it honestly won't take long for it to become glaringly obvious.

I would leave. He will either ruin you or make you so miserable.

I wouldn't believe he is paying the bills either.

My ex was a gambler. He was miserable all the time. If he won he just gambled more. He begrudged us having anything because all the money was for him. When he left, he left me with utility and rent debt.

He refused to even try and stop. I was expected to put up with it because he refused to take accountability for his addiction and do something about it. He's probably still gambling.

Genuinely, neither are school age. Money isn’t a concept at their age and I’d honestly never let them miss out on anything we wanted to do.. besides Disney land, bit too expensive but I’d assume so for most. I’m aware if it was to worsen how it could affect an older child, but I can’t see how they’re currently aware. It’s the concern of it escalating If it was at the point of noticeably affecting them I’d be out the door.

PP mentioned insulating them regards housing, literally how, I don’t want tied to the house financially as if he left me to it I wouldn’t be able to afford it and the upkeep as one adult plus all the other expenses and as others have said loans against it were ever to come up. We’d likely rent as I did before. So savings towards first and deposit or there abouts kept away?

It’s already affecting your family.

£500 a month on gambling is £500 a month being taken away from the family pot, including the children.

Lying about gambling is a huge red flag.

Not to sound stupid but wouldn’t there be letters reminders things hadn’t been paid, internet cut off etc?
Which obviously we haven’t had and I’ve seen statements for the years utilities and mortgage so they’ve been paid. I don’t actually think we have many “bills” beyond utility that they couldn’t just withhold service for non payment.

I think you've misunderstood. It's not just about the money in the missing out sense it's about how the priority is always skewed towards the next bet, the next match, the next trip into town to the bookies. It's not just the money it's the fact he will be putting the gambling above his children and I'm sorry to tell you but of course it's already impacting them. They are living in an environment where their father spends a not so insignificant amount of time online gambling presumably in their presence and shuts down conversations when you approach the issue.

Sorry I did, I grew up in an area with a lot of drug addiction and knew kids at school who’d appear in what can only be described as rags so that’s the sense of missing out and affecting I could link. He’s ironically great with them and gambling seems to be mobile and done at night still at the 7pm bed time routine starting stage so that obviously makes it easier as he’s probably sorted out whatever on the way home and then only an hour or two on week nights until bedtime. Weekends he is in the kitchen a lot but seems to be pottering around cooks but obviously a way to have his phone there. Shurring off is any argument tbh