Gambling lies

[OhBurggerGeorge]

Im not expecting miracles but I just don’t know who you’d even speak to with this crap.

i suspect dh is gambling somewhere around £500 a month.. or possibly more if he’s winning iykwm. He was paid 2 weeks ago and now claims to be skint, can’t do anything etc though his wage is a decent amount for our area. I don’t even know how I ask if he has tossed it all away on bets. I know he gambles but he claims he gets “free bet/spin” offers all the time, not daft but never has he been out of cash so fast.

Bank accounts are separate his salary goes into his he pays his bills from his and mine goes into mine, we’ve split costs as items like he pays the utilities I pay the food shop so there’s no transferring between accounts or joint accounts, there’s not even paper statements to check if I’ve over thought it/prove myself right.

Confronting him is near impossible as we have the dcs around and he tends to just shut off and literally not speak if he thinks we’re arguing which drives me up the wall in it’s own right.

I just genuinely don’t know what to do, I don’t want it to escalate to a point it’s affecting the family.

blatantly name changed for obvious reasons

OP, you say that you wouldn't be able to afford you house but that is your security and you have children. Would that £500 that he's using to gamble help with paying for the house? £500 is not an insignificant amount of family money that he is throwing away every month. Do you have £500 to yourself to play with, free and clear? I bet you don't.

I think you've been oblivious as to what is going on but I would urge you to take a longer, harder look at what is happening to the family finances and, if you want to stay with him, that family money needs to be in a pot that he cannot touch. He can have 'pocket money' to waste like the fool he is, but not have access to other money.

My worry for you and your children is that gambling doesn't stay at a level for some people. Some people can have the odd flutter and that is all they will ever do, they have control. Other people can't control their gambling and it will be some time until you would ever find out that it has got seriously out of control.

He is taking money from the family each month... was that ever agreed in that amount? He is blanking you rather than talking to you about this.

I know this is such unpleasant reading but gamblers lie and there is no level of deception that they would stop at to enable their addiction. You say that he is a good father, well, he could be a much better one, safeguard his children's future, protect their mum from having to leave her home.

Actually, how fucking dare he do this to you.

Without him I wouldn’t be able to afford the house and it’s upkeep but he puts in more than he’s spent if that makes sense, the house itself is old and lots of ground that’d need maintenance that with two kids on my own I’d need to pay for if that makes sense so I’d rather be clear of that. Renting here would still be cheaper as I’d be able to pick smaller more manageable space that I’d be able to self maintain.

No I wouldn’t say free and clear but that’s probably because I front all of the activities and stuff, pick up clothes and bits for birthdays and Christmas to put past. But I’d manage fine with logical cut backs.. they don’t need this seasons Frugi not toast n beans if that makes sense.

That’s my worry too, obviously no amounts have ever been discussed as yours and mine. Always just the assumption of I’ve got a reasonable amount so has he.. again joys of children the split probably isn’t as even as I’m the main carer and he’s gone up a few levels at work so it’s not as fair as when it was set however I’d have expected him to have enough to cover expenses not piss it up the wall.

I worry that he sees the money he earns as his - to do with what he wants - and you have your 'allowance' for running the home.

I worry that his arrogance and selfishness would lead to him ramping up his gambling (and you don't know the level of it now), leaving you having to cut corners with your 'allowance' if/when he runs out of money.

If you believe that you know the full extent of his gambling and any debts then fair enough but I would be very, very surprised.

I won't keep on but please do protect yourself. Expect the best but prepare for the worst because you're living with a liar and an arrogant one at that.

Matched betting ain't gambling though is it? Cos you'll be laying off the qualifier for a only small loss. But I accept your point that its purpose is to hook you in.

He hid all the due bills and I found them after he moved out.

With you it might be that he's paid the bills or it might be the reminders are via email or he's not paying them in full. Depending on how long this has been going on for you can get a year's mortgage break. I just would never trust a gambler.

Every minute of every day he's thinking about it doing gambling.

He won’t give me a number and claims it’s not a problem.. he’s only saying he’s nothing to spend so he’s got something for the rest of the month. I’ve told him I’m not dumb I know it’s not free offers but deaf ears as per usual. Fortunately he couldn’t hide post easily, he’s never in when it comes. No concept that this could be spent on things we’d all enjoy either.

I saw your update and my heart sank for you. He's following the liar's handbook, step by step.

Don't be reassured about the post, setting up a PO box isn't difficult. My father had a secret brand new credit card that was safely hidden away while he made a grand show of cutting up the one in his wallet.

He has no business lying to you, taking family money but, he's doing both because he can and has no respect for the people he is supposed to love and want to protect more than anything.

I won't ask if you have friends you could talk to about this or whether you could speak to your parents because the families of gamblers often feel shame and want nobody to know anything. He's taken more aware from you than you realise or are willing to acknowledge.

No - matched betting isn't gambling. If he was matched betting though, he wouldn't be skint.

My point was that you need to spend to qualify for the free stuff. I'm guessing the OP's OH is just gambling and not laying it off.

OP - If you're sticking £500/month away in a savings pot then things like Disney trips are very much affordable. It's these sort of things that you and your family will be missing out on, even if it's not directly impacting your day to day life

Late to this one but just wanted to say it sounds like £500 is a lot for your family budget per month. For him to be dropping this, he’s probably not thinking completely clearly about it 🚩 . Gambling addiction has a way of escalating when people are in this headspace. It sounds heavy for you as you’re the one with all the responsibilities here, while he simply fuels his addiction. It’s not a physical addiction like drugs or alcohol, but honestly, it can be so destructive.

You need transparency with his finances since you’re parenting together and have property. I found to my cost that huge bank loans can be taken out online with no post.

I’d recommend taking every step you can to safeguard your finances, and getting support for both of you as this addiction will take its toll on all the family.

For example

• monthly credit reports on his name (and yours, just in case. I use both CreditKarma and ClearScore to be sure as not all borrowing shows up on all reports)
• access to his online banking with regular checks
• receipts for any cash he’s got out
• land registry alerts for any debt secured against your house https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/propertyalert/

It’s not an exhaustive list and needs to be done with his knowledge and ideally agreement.

If this sounds extreme and controlling, you’re right, it is, and obviously wouldn’t be appropriate in any situation other than gambling addiction. It’s a horrible thing to have to do, but better than suddenly finding yourself homeless.

Talk to a gambling harms support organisation, but make sure you’re talking to someone who understands how to support affected others and isn’t just looking out for gamblers’ interests, as this is a conflict I’ve found in some support on offer. But there is good support out there. Gamcare have a good women’s support arm, even if their helpline is hit and miss in my experience.

Wishing you luck and strength.

Still reluctant to show me anything, claims he’s not touched anything all week and won’t. He’s offered to sign up to I think it’s gamstop but I’m not sure that actually blocks all of them or there won’t be a way round it.. ie I don’t want him using my name or anything like that to open an account.

Havent a bloody clue where we go from here. I’ve removed him from the school contact/pick up form incase shit hits the fan.. I doubt he’d do anything like that he can’t take them to the coop alone but I don’t want any drama. I know addicts lie, I grew up with them and it’s hard to put the kids through it either way.

He doesn’t get that how am I meant to trust him to not do it when he’s been doing it so easily and probably without me noticing half of it.

So gamstop will close his existing accounts and block him from opening up any new accounts for UK gambling providers. You are correct there are ways around it including going on foreign sites and using other people's details to open new accounts. Basically, gamstop and self exclusions are great measures to put in.place if someone actually wants to stop gambling and are then willing to get extra support to look at their triggers. Them alone can be enough for some people but it always comes down to then wanting to make the decision to stop in the first place.

Yeah he won’t speak to anyone else, doesn’t want others knowing. Where he works there’s about 4 bet shops within a five minute walk too so I’m aware it wouldn’t stop him going into them either which he claims he wouldn’t but I suppose I’m thinking of the ways he could if he wanted to. He won’t speak about triggers or why he’d want to either he says he’s stopped and that’s it which obviously I find hard to believe or why would it be a problem to stop when you first lost money.

If he wanted, he could ban himself from betting shops - I’m not sure how that one works and might need to be done for each shop. But land based casinos have a scheme called Sense where one form self-excludes you from all chains - you can choose from one to five years.

But as @TwilightAb says, this is generally more use if he’s willing to admit that there’s a problem and engage with strategies and support.

Yes he can ban himself from multiple places. It's usually best to self exclude from one shop and then contact Moses (Multiple operational self exclusion service) who can then extend the self exclusion to multiple shops.

That sounds really tough, and you’re not overthinking it at all. Been in a similar spot—my partner also brushed things off as just using “free spins” or small bets, but money kept disappearing fast. One time he mentioned playing on Chicken Road, which I know is a reliable online casino, so it wasn’t the site—it was more about how often he was playing. What helped me was calmly bringing it up in a quiet moment, no blame, just concern.

I didn't see any letters but I was in the fog of a newborn and his abuse. This was decades ago.

Now maybe your bills are online like mine so you wouldn't see them.

I've found that all gamblers are the same. Nothing matters except gambling. The money is coming from somewhere.