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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel odd about this with a friend

35 replies

Krupkrups · 12/07/2024 09:45

Am I reading too much into this.

DC had a friend at pre school - were there 2 yrs together , I am very good friends with the Mum.

Kids are close in age but mine is school yr above so went to school in Sept whilst friends DC stayed at pre school.

We have still seen them as family and have done play dates etc. And of course see friend.

DCs still play nicely and ask to play with each other and my DC is kind and fun, however when we last saw them early May it was quite obvious that my DC is at school.

The meet ups between DF and I and alone as a family have gotten less this past 5 months the time in May we’d not seen them since early March (live in same suburb). And cannot remember exactly when DF and I last got together on our own - mainly due to several implosions in our life over past 6 months - health and house related. Which now I reflect she hasn’t been awfully supportive on. We used to see each other at least twice a week so aren’t in habit of whatsapp chats.

She’s been busy too which but with some lovely exciting things - despite falling apart mentally and physically for a little bit I have been nothing but supportive/happy where I can and have seen stuff on social media.

She also no longer interacts with me on social media….hasn’t all yr, I mean I don’t post much tbf but last month I won an award (actually quite prestigious) for a work project last yr. She saw the instagram story. Nothing from her on it.

Randomly a couple pf weeks ago she sent me a message saying she would be passing and would love to catch up. I wasn’t there but sent her some other dates - I was really happy to hear from her.

She voice noted me back saying she couldn’t make any because of x,y,z. One of those being her DC’s birthday party. And Yup we weren’t invited.

She then termed it DC’s nursery birthday party and almost as she was talking sounded like she had started feeling guilty (why she pressed send??) and then started saying well its more like a leaving party you know because DC is leaving pre school and it’s a way to say bye to all their friends. They’re going to miss them.

Well they’re going to the same school with 3 of them and most live in the same area. One lives 2 streets away. She and I both see lots of the other parents socially and therefore the children. Also there’s 10 of them leaving?!? All of whom my DC knows well any several good pals with them. Not just her DC leaving

It was really awful as two people came up to me at school the week before the party and said they would see me Sat. I was confused on the first one….oooh do we have something arranged. ‘At Krupsfriend’s DC’s party’ ‘errrrr yes we’re not invited‘ - this is a good friend from another friendship group so I was quite open - no idea why, she was shocked and raised and eyebrow when I said its just pre school apparently - so this friend says really, I think lots are bringing siblings (this friend has one at our school one at the pre school) one of whom is at the same school as my DC. She was shocked as clearly knows we’re good friends as families.

The second person who said this I just said oh we’re not going.

I have really not known how to take all this it’s been a little hurtful and socially embarrassing.

Its my DC’s birthday next month and I would have automatically invited them to their party but have hung back.

Then to add to confusion bumped into her in town at weekend. DC and I were sat on a bench having a drink - she came up to us - could 100% have actively avoided. She was so warm and effusive to both DC and I - it was nice to see her. And didn’t feel forced or fake on her part.

DH says I should get in touch and send her the invite but I just feel very, very weird about it all tbh. I’ve woken up a few nights wondering what we might have done wrong.

OP posts:
Holliegee · 12/07/2024 09:51

You haven’t done anything wrong.
Sometimes friendships have ripples and I would feel hurt too (in fact I had similar years ago and ranted at the other parent so the friendship ended) - She’s a person you like and you and Dc like to spend time with her and her dc so, just let it go.
Make plans to meet up and rekindle it all and then it will all feel like it was.

As an aside, I suspect you didn’t get invited because your little one has ‘developed skills that might put a shadow on her dc, but -once her dc has been in school for 6 months she will see it’s normal development.

EoinMahoney · 12/07/2024 09:51

You probably haven't done anything wrong and neither has she. Your DC's lives aren't quite at the same place right now.
I'd invite them anyway.

It does sting a little when you feel snubbed, but when you have LOs, your circles shift a little. I mind sometimes but accept that a friend with preschoolers isn't going to always fit me in as my children are older. She's still my friend.

Original poster
Krupkrups · 12/07/2024 10:40

Thank you both for this.

I did initially soothe the snub by thinking well of course makes sense to keep it easy and just do pre school. But it was just that the did sound guilty/defensive and then learning siblings were going on top of that I was a little 😕. It felt pointed.

I will reach out.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 12/07/2024 10:50

”Hey ___, I have to ask - have I done something to offend you? A couple of people have said they’ll see me at your DC’s party and I’ve had to say I’m not invited which has led to an awkward moment or two. Totally fine if this is just a numbers thing, but something feels off? Hope all is okay Xx”

Original poster
Krupkrups · 12/07/2024 11:31

Thanks @OriginalUsername2 the party was a couple of weeks ago now. Maybe I should have been bold enough to do this at the time though!

OP posts:
AppleCream · 12/07/2024 11:41

I would reach out OP. It's just easier to stick to one "group" for a party - I don't think it should mean that your friendship is over.

meganorks · 12/07/2024 11:55

I don't think it's that odd to have a party just for nursery friends to be honest. Sometimes it's just weird to have other friends there from outside that circle. Ie all the kids and adults know each other and then there are just a couple of randoms. Different parties work with different dynamics. I know a really good friend who has a boy (and our kids are really good friends) has had 'boys only' parties where my DD wasn't invited. I've also turned down an invite from a very good friend who asked my girls to go to a party that was a group of school friends and then my 2. I just thought it was going to be a difficult dynamic.
When kids are younger, before school etc then the attendees tend to be a bit more varied and based on parents friends. But once they get to nursery and school it can all get a bit out of hand numbers wise. She clearly still wants to be friends so I'd say just don't over think it.

EoinMahoney · 12/07/2024 12:35

Decades ago, someone told me that 'if you know someone and you like them, then they are your friend'. I think it was meant in a 'Who is my neighbour?' Christian way.

You might not be religious, but you still care about your friend.

Original poster
Krupkrups · 12/07/2024 12:36

@meganorks totally get this….however my DC went to the same pre school - they left last year and are good pals/regularly socialise with friend’s DC and then a few others separately (another good friend of mine’s child from a separate adult friendship group, a school friend of DC’s younger sibling who now attends the nursery and another pal of DC’s who whilst we aren’t as close to the parents DCs do a couple of activities together and are pals - DC went to their birthday party in the spring with others from nursey).

Then I would say there’s about 8 children/parents who were there for the last yr/18 months when DC was there who whilst we don’t socialise with are friendly/connect on social media etc. Would have chatted to at pick etc.

So we definitely wouldn’t have been randoms.

OP posts:
NewDay00 · 12/07/2024 13:43

I think its normal to have parties amongst nursery or school kids, and keep it to just that. Once you start inviting friends and family outside of the class where does it stop? Mine have had family and friends parties, and they've had class only parties. I feel you're being sensitive here. If you were doing a class party and you invited her where would you stop? More friends, family, neighbours kids? I think its fine what she done.

Spinet · 12/07/2024 13:51

I think the only way to deal with this sort of thing is to pretend you don't care and that it doesn't matter. Invite her if you would like to see her at the party and forget about her weird behaviour.

This works in a twofold way: eventually you can kid yourself you don't care and that takes the sting out of it, and your outward behaviour remains sane and rational so you don't have to worry about that (perhaps you don't anyway, but I do). I'm not saying invite her for a drink just the two of you - but invite her to something you would have done otherwise, be friendly (normal friendly, not best mates friendly) when you see her, and try to feel very casual and happy go lucky about the relationship. She is not your family nor an old, old, friend, so ultimately don't put more significance on the relationship than she is - for your sake not hers.

OutCuteBaby567 · 12/07/2024 14:12

You're putting too much pressure on this friendship and expecting too much. Your lives aren't in quite same place right now. She's not done anything remotely wrong or rude.

Hillarious · 12/07/2024 14:41

OriginalUsername2 · 12/07/2024 10:50

”Hey ___, I have to ask - have I done something to offend you? A couple of people have said they’ll see me at your DC’s party and I’ve had to say I’m not invited which has led to an awkward moment or two. Totally fine if this is just a numbers thing, but something feels off? Hope all is okay Xx”

I realise the party has now gone, but this really would have made things more awkward. Everything is churned up once kids move on to different schools, classes, year groups and you've just got to wait for things to settle.

At the age of 25, my DS now hangs out regularly with someone from the school year below him. My DS stopped being invited to his parties once he started school, and it's only since he's back from university that they've hooked up again. I'm still friends with the mum and she invites me to her own parties.

GRex · 12/07/2024 14:46

You're expecting too much. Every child can't be invited to every party, and that is no reflection on whether this woman likes you or not. If you need more of a regular connection, then it's fine to back off, but recognise that is your desire and not anything she has done wrong.

Longdueachange · 12/07/2024 14:56

Some friendships, however intense and genuine at the time, are situationships. When circumstances change so do sometimes our relationships. Don't take it personally.

vickylou78 · 16/07/2024 12:28

I think you are overthinking this. She's probably limited the party to just preschoolers as a way of drawing a line otherwise you feel you have to invite everyone. It's normal to want to strengthen friendships that will be in the same year group.

Stainglasses · 16/07/2024 12:36

Agree with others, you are being far too sensitive. Life gets messy and busy and things change. If you like her then reach out and keep it simple.

LittleLittleRex · 16/07/2024 13:11

You should try and see it from her perspective - you feel you still have her DCs life and connections but you also have all the new school ones too. You are picturing her life the way you left it, but her DCs are still seeing these kids every day and not seeing yours. Her life has moved on as well.

From their perspective you aren't a nursery friend any more, and that's ok. How the friendship evolved is up to you but making a big deal out of this will kill off a friendship.

Emmz1510 · 16/07/2024 13:17

OriginalUsername2 · 12/07/2024 10:50

”Hey ___, I have to ask - have I done something to offend you? A couple of people have said they’ll see me at your DC’s party and I’ve had to say I’m not invited which has led to an awkward moment or two. Totally fine if this is just a numbers thing, but something feels off? Hope all is okay Xx”

This is perfect

Regalia · 16/07/2024 13:21

OutCuteBaby567 · 12/07/2024 14:12

You're putting too much pressure on this friendship and expecting too much. Your lives aren't in quite same place right now. She's not done anything remotely wrong or rude.

This. It’s drifted a little. It may drift further, or you may drift back together if you both want to.

Justrelax · 16/07/2024 13:45

Not being in the same school class makes a huge difference to friendships (let alone one not being in school yet). And bluntly, your kids aren't friends anymore and probably won't be again. She wanted to have a party with her child's friends. And then quite a lot of mum friendships go alongside that - you tend to spend time with the parents of the children your child is spending time with, when they're young anyway. I think maybe you're more invested in the friendship than she is? But also maybe she's intentionally distancing because she doesn't want her child to focus on friends who've moved on and wants to put energy into their peers, which is fair and normal.

Harry12345 · 16/07/2024 15:35

This has happened to me and it hurt a lot, I questioned my own perception of what a friendship was as I assumed we were close and would be invited as I would have always invited them. I don’t make close friends easily and thought she was one, our children had been to school together and close friends for years and there was a small group of mum friends, a party was had and my child wasn’t invited, I seriously couldn’t figure it out and it hurt, I’m quite reluctant to open myself up again and just socialise with my old friends

Eadfrith · 16/07/2024 15:40

This is the type of thing where I would bow out, but maybe you could be the bigger person and get in touch, see if the friendship can live on. But again, if it were me there would only be so many chances I would give.

CableCar · 16/07/2024 16:04

NewDay00 · 12/07/2024 13:43

I think its normal to have parties amongst nursery or school kids, and keep it to just that. Once you start inviting friends and family outside of the class where does it stop? Mine have had family and friends parties, and they've had class only parties. I feel you're being sensitive here. If you were doing a class party and you invited her where would you stop? More friends, family, neighbours kids? I think its fine what she done.

Agree with this. It's just a social circle thing. Things change when your child starts school.

zingally · 16/07/2024 16:26

You haven't done anything wrong, but neither has she.

Friendships fluctuate over time, and even friendships that felt incredibly close in the moment, often turn out to be situational, and the relationship changes with the situation changes.
The reception year in school is full of massive changes. You noticed it yourself when the children played together, and your DC stood out has having had that year of school. Likely your friend noticed the contrast as well.