To worry what our neighbours think?

[judgeyneighbours]

Long story as short as possible, a couple of months ago we moved into a new house in a very quiet and sought after location of the city we live in. Lovely little estate. We have briefly met our neighbours on each side to say hello and introduce ourselves but no in-depth conversations so we are still fairly new faces on the cul de sac.

A few weeks ago, my 18 year old daughter's best friend called my daughter in floods of tears and highly distressed to tell her she'd been assaulted and needed to come to us as a place of safety. My daughter had her phone on loudspeaker as this was playing out and I could hear both my daughter's friend and the perpetrator of the assault shouting and it was very distressing and worrying. I instantly called the police and gave them her location and ours, and told her to get herself over to us as quickly as she could. She did that and we obviously took care of her. The police then arrived to take her statement.

However there were 2 police cars and 4 officers outside our address at this point, they explained that the other car had just been to speak to the perpetrator of the assault and that's why there were so many. For a short time before coming into our house they were all convened outside having a discussion before they came in. So to anyone looking out of their windows at this time (it's a very small estate), it would have looked extremely obvious the police were at our address.

My question is: in my situation as a fairly new neighbour, would you knock on doors and explain the situation and that it wasn't us who were in any trouble? I'm worried that they are judging us essentially.

I'd just like to add, before anyone accuses me of being heartless - I'm focusing on this only because my daughters friend is absolutely fine now and has stayed with us for the past few weeks and we have helped her get through it, so she is OK.

Would you explain the context to neighbours or am I overthinking this?

Definitely overthinking it! I would be curious as a neighbour, but I certainly wouldn’t think badly of you nor would I expect an explanation!

Massively overthinking it. Protect the friends privacy fgs. It’s no-one’s business. If anyone has the nerve to ask you only need to say a family member saw a violent act and the police were making enquiries.

You're over thinking. I wouldn't care at all.

Thank you! You've confirmed what I suspected was the case but I do tend to anxiously overthink what others think of me!

I’d be a bit nosey and wonder what they were doing there, but I wouldn’t think anything untoward was going on (unless you were frogmarched out, handcuffs on) 👀

You are 100% overthinking. It's none of their business and who bloody cares what they think.

Well done for looking after her friend so well!

Honestly, I would simply be hoping it hadn't been tragic news.

I wouldn’t worry to much, my DH witnessed a traffic accident last week, police car with 2 men in parked outside for 5 minutes before another pulled up, they all got out and chatted ,then another pulled up talked for couple of minutes then pulled off, then a few minutes later the others left and the original 2 came and took the statement. It looked very exciting from my bedroom window, but was actually very mundane

Thanks @MissUltraViolet. She's an exceptionally strong and bright young lady, I've known her since she was 5 years old as her and my daughter have been best friends since primary school, so I am highly protective of her in the same way I am my daughter. I'm just pleased we were able to give her a safe space to come to when she needed it.

Do you know, I hadn't even thought of this possibility.

We had something similarly dramatic happen shortly after we moved to our new neighbourhood. It was a one-off and I did not explain to anyone. But as I got to know our neighbours more, one of them mentioned it - "oh you're the house that"...kind of thing. I knew then that everybody had been talking, so I was able to tell her ...yes, what actually happened was....knowing she would then tell everyone else (and stop the rumours!).

I mean sure, it was none of her business, but I understand curiosity and actually people are pretty nice around here, so I was comfortable sharing.

My point is, no need to actively explain, but be prepared to answer a question should it arise, with the expectation that it will get fed back to the neighbourhood!

This !

I would probably go and talk to the neighbors. My daughter had night terrors once and ran around the house screaming at 12am trying to get away from a ghost parrot that was apparently chasing her. We let both neighbors know the next day in case they had heard anything and were worried.

I'm sorry for your DD but "ghost parrot" did make me laugh! 😂

They probably think you are a right load of roughs!

I do hope the friend has dumped the boyfriend.

Don't explain to the neighbours - They have no need to know.
Let them speculate and curtain twitch.

We had armed police turn up once, on a quiet Sunday. {DS said ''there is a copper with a gun outside}.....

The adult child of one of the middle class neighbours was frogmarched off -

No one knew ever what it was about - but curtains were definitely twitching.

My question is: in my situation as a fairly new neighbour, would you knock on doors and explain the situation and that it wasn't us who were in any trouble?

No.

Honestly, if you were my neighbour I’d just have thought ‘Blimey, hope everyone’s OK’. I wouldn’t assume you were criminals - I’d probably assume a crime had been committed against one of you, or something like that. Don’t worry about this!

My motto in life is "nobody has ever died from someone else's opinion" (OK, factually incorrect if you consider wider political atmosphere, but works day to day). I generally don't bother about what neighbours might hypothetically think about me. Mind reading is a very pointless and energy-consuming business. So please don't go knocking on doors explaining yourself and worrying about what John at number 10 is thinking about you in his spare time.

God, don't go round telling people. Apart from it being a massive violation of privacy for your daughter's friend and daughter herself, it's just weird. It's nobodies business and having lived on some rough arse streets before I know of police need neighbours involvement (witness statements or them just passing on info) then the police will do that job.

If you'd knocked on my door to inform me of why police were at your house I'd be convinced you were lying or strangely defensive about how you looked to others and completely avoid you. If you just left it I'd forget about it in a day or two.

Where are you seeing that there was a boyfriend involved?

As a neighbour, I'd be curious, but I wouldn't automatically think badly of you. Perhaps if you were a household of known scumbags ie drug dealers etc, then I'd assume you'd commited some crime, but otherwise, no, I wouldn't think badly.

I'd also be curious but none of you were carted off in a police car so I wouldn't give it a second thought.

I would tell your daughter to not have calls on loudspeaker in the vicinity of others though, no-one wants to hear other's phone conversations

How awful for your daughter's friend I hope she's OK and getting good support.

Don't worry about what the neighbours think, you don't have to explain anything it's a private matter. It'll soon be yesterday's news.

No, you don't need to explain anything to them! Let them judge, let them talk!!
If/when you get close to the neighbours, they might ask and then you can explain.

She doesn't usually but she came downstairs panicked and worried about her best friend who sounded extremely distraught, with lots of aggressive shouting in the background. She needed my help. I don't think that's an unusual thing for her to have done.