CAFCASS report. I’m broken.

[ineedasleep]

I need a hand hold.

I received my section 7 report from Cafcass and it’s really messed with my head again.

Warning: r@pe talk

Whilst married my ex husband financially, emotionally, mentally and sexually abused me. Hes made our son and I homeless, took absolutely everything of monetary value and plummeted us into financial despair.

I have proof of the abuse, rape, anger, aggressiveness, following me around the house screaming at me, threatening suicide when caught cheating and lying. I can even prove he’s drinking every day, taking drugs still and allowing questionable adults into our child’s life. The works.

My Cafcass contact listened to everything I had to say and her exact words were: I believe you, I believe you about the rape, the details you can describe and how it happened, I believe it. I’m so sorry you had to go through this and I can’t imagine how you felt.

Cut to now and I’ve received my section 7 report and she said she doesn’t believe there was ’domestic abuse’ but more parental acrimony and disagreements which led to animosity and crossed wires.

I feel so foolish. This has happened to me twice with social workers. Showing them to abuse with proof and them just putting it down to parental or martial issues.

I have texts proving the abuse and my ex even admitting to what he’s done but the excuse he’s used with CAFCASS is that he just agreeed to what I was saying back then to move on from the argument. So example if I said to him ‘hey your anger and aggression towards our child and I is not ok’. His response was something like, ‘you’re right, I have anger issues, I need help and will speak with a doctor’.

So even though I have proof to state otherwise, they believe his lies.

I’m broken. I’m im therapy already but it makes me question my reality (which my ex would make me do all the time and now this is too). I feel like why did I even bother reporting the rape? Or even bother reporting the financial and coercive abuse? Nothing has been done to protect me or my child and I’m just broken.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Are you and your son somewhere safe now?

We are. We’ll be homeless very soon though and from there I have no idea. But they’re stating my ex should see him and have overnight stays now.

Hello. As someone with similar experiences, I can say that sometimes social workers can very much get things wrong.
but, you have managed to get out of that situation and are obviously strong. It sounds trite, but in a few years what hurts now probably won’t even matter.
♥️☀️

I know you’re right. 100%. I know it hurts so much because my ex has been let off the hook and I know he’ll be doing back flips that someone has said what I’ve experienced isn’t domestic abuse. I just feel so let down and hurt by the whole system. I can’t wait for this feeling to pass.

Have you contacted Women's Aid and Shelter? They may be able to signpost you to longer term accommodation and advocate for you?

I have in the past but thank you for reminding me. I’ll contact them asap to see if they can help me further.

Have you reported these offences to the police?

You may also be hitting the elements of the offence coercive control, but it’s hard to know without finer details.

He sounds like a man who should be behind bars for his treatment of you. It will offer you and your child further protection even once released.

Yes, I have reported the rape and abuse to police so there’s a report but I didn’t proceed with pressing charges at the time because I was scared of the repercussions and also now, I feel so jaded that even with evidence that says ‘sorry for attacking you’ it means nothing to CAFCASS. I don’t think I’m mentally strong enough to proceed with pressing charges now.

Sweetheart. I’m so sorry you’ve been put through this. It’s fucking disgusting and traumatising and you are not alone in this experience.
I don’t know what to suggest on a practical level, I know a really good direct access barrister I can recommend who may be able to help advice you or even in court. We had two s7 reports and the judges ignored them in both cases so it’s not the be all and end all. As for the gaslighting side of things, have you come across the ministry of justice 2020 harm report? it’s harrowing reading, but also will definitely stop you feeling like you’re going mad, it really helped put everything in perspective for me when I read it. This is the system, this has been done to victims of abuse over and over again in the family court system, it’s not just you and it may have been a worst outcome if you weren’t honest so you’ve done the best you can do in a fucked up situation. it’s such a dark place I know. Life won’t always be like this I promise, but it’s so brutal to be put through this

Don’t forget CAFCASS have the pro contact agenda bias, they minimise and dismiss and apportion equal blame to a staggering degree. the police should see it differently.

OP

Can you go ahead with the criminal investigation

Say you are ready to press charges

What
A
Scumbag

Thank you so much for this. I haven’t heard of that report but will definitely read it. You’re so right. I’ve heard of all these cases and read up on people’s experiences and almost felt like I’d be ok because I have so much evidence and even with it, it’s worth absolutely nothing and my ex is just allowed to say it didn’t happen even though the evidence proves otherwise. I can see why people say the family courts are not protecting the victims of abuse. It’s tiresome but just continues the abuse after they’ve signed it all off.

Yes. This is what they’ve done in my case. He’s said I was controlling and mentally abusive, couldn’t prove it though because it never happened. However even with my proof I’m still branded as an equal to a man who raped me dozens of times and admitted it. It’s worrying.

Hi. I’m a family barrister. Very sorry to hear about your experiences.
Has there been a Fact-Finding Hearing? Alternatively, has CAFCASS made a recommendation as to whether or not there should be a Fact-Finding Hearing? If they do not recommend it, have they explained why?

The bottom line is that it is not for CAFCASS to determine whether an allegation is true or false, e.g. whether your ex abused you or not. Only the Court is entitled to make that determination, having heard evidence from both of you at a Fact-Finding Hearing, which is effectively a mini trial. CAFCASS should then work off that factual matrix to make their recommendations to the Court.

Obviously I am not aware of the details of your circumstances so can’t offer real advice, just a general view: your starting point needs to be asking yourself ‘What do I want the Court to do?’ If you simply want the Court to recognise what happened to you, to hold your ex responsible and to be critical of him, but ultimately you have no issue with him having contact with your children and believe that it is safe for him to do so, then you will not be satisfied by this process. This is not what Family Court is about. Domestic abuse is only relevant as far as it relates to its impact on the children and any risk that is posed to them, now or in the future.

If, however, you feel that his treatment of you during the relationship means that it would not be safe for him to have contact with the children, or that his contact should be limited because it’s not in the children’s best interests, then these allegations are relevant. A Fact-Finding Hearing would likely then be needed.

I wonder if the CAFCASS officer has concluded that your allegations are of limited relevance - even if they were found to be true by the Court - because the dispute between you is a simple one, for example whether they are with him 2 nights a week or 3. They may say in those circumstances that a Fact-Finding Hearing is not proportionate.

Have you had any legal advice? Rights of Women is a helpful organisation. I can offer more info if you let me know more.

I definitely could at anytime I think. The officer I spoke to was amazing and was keen to go forward with an investigation. She even said she’s prosecuted on less evidence than I had and that it was just an added bonus I had so much evidence of my own.

my ex has also said I’ve made it all up because I’m angry he left. My mind is just awash with so much.

I had a strikingly similar experience only relatively recently.
In order for them to take anything you’ve said seriously and into account when giving their opinion on how child access should look going forward you either need to:
press charges and have him convicted (good luck on this - even with evidence the police were less than helpful in my case)
work with the relative agencies for an extended period of time, it becomes more of an inconvenience after a while if you’re already snowed under with being a single parent/work/life etc but to have a fortnightly or monthly catch up with these agencies (one for womens and childrens abuse, another for the sexual abuse and hopefully off the back of those you will be allocated an IDVA) once you have an IDVA that’s when you’ll be taken seriously. That’s when cafcass/the council if you’re facing homelessness/the court/anyone else you need on side stand up and listen. It’s very wrong as it means that you’ll be revisiting some of the most traumatic experiences of your life on a fortnightly basis until it’s all dealt with but in order to protect your child from this monster this is the best advice I can give you.
The regular appointments I had just felt like I was ranting to a friend, they don’t really give advice as such aside from safety advice ie they help you plan an escape incase your ex partner was to break into your home for instance but it’s more like a sounding off, letting them know how the children are, if your children need any support, how courts going etc. My situation has dragged on that long I think it’s best I did rant to them instead of my friends because frankly I bored myself with my moaning and ranting my friends would’ve been glad of the break.
Stay strong and power through, contact your Cafcass officer and ask them for a further chat and nicely ask why the report was so conflicting, express you feel unheard and tell her you’re looking into further support with the above agencies and that you only haven’t so far because of the evidence you have you knew you could press charges at a later date when you had less on your plate but you can now see how this has affected your ongoing child access proceedings and need their support.
Good luck x

What I am going to say is going to sound really rude but please bear in mind that I am venting because of my own recent experience (today) with socially workers.

I find many sw’s to be stupid, lazy and arrogant. They act as if they know it all but can’t see the wood for the trees. They seem to take pleasure in dehumanising people reducing them to case numbers rather than flesh and blood people. They do not do what they promise and they cover their inefficiency by blaming their clients. They opt for the easiest way out possible.

Am I surprised that they have treated you like crap? No. So sorry you are gong through this op. I wish I could help you.

Apologies to the sw’s on MN. I am sure you are good at your job.

You’ve explained so much and it’s truly helped.

I’ll try and cut this down as much as I can.

i have a legal aid solicitor.
My ex has declared bankruptcy during the divorce proceedings and the house is now being sold to cover his debts but he’s run up so much debt, there’s no equity in the house really, just enough to cover my legal aid solicitor and that’s it (around £10,000)

It was basically sold to me by my solicitor that we shouldn’t have a fact finding hearing because it was and I quote ‘a mud slinging match’ and also, due to limited equity, it would cost so much more I wouldn’t be able to afford my legal aid solicitors fees. I’ve been told this numerous times now that they can’t fight my ex on anything (even the continuous financial abusing and stealing my car) because I have limited money to pay my bill.

My ex allowed his new partner to hurt our child but since that happened I had to revoke access. So there’s definitely been an impact on my child. Theres also proof of aggression from my ex towards our child but the CAFCASS officer has put that down to financial and martial stresses on my ex and that’s why he behaved that way.

He only sees our child for 1 hour every two weeks at the moment and that only started in Feb this year and now CAFCASS have said that access will now be increased in stages so that in 12 weeks our child will stay overnight with my ex. Again, even though our child has come back with unexplained bruises on his head twice whilst he was a very small child from my ex and my ex couldn’t explain how they happened.

i think these are very valid safe guarding concerns that I’ve been able to prove and they’ve also spoken to my child who has also explained them to the CAFCASS officer but they don’t seem to really care.

i think to a degree I’d love my ex to get a telling off from a judge for his abhorrent and heinous behaviour towards my son and I but I realised shortly after starting this process it was never going to happen but I just feel like this report has made light of the abuse, even though there was evidence of it and just labelled it ‘martial issues’ even though the CAFCASS officer said she believed the rape happened. I don’t understand that part if I’m honest.

This is absolutely incredible advice and I’ve never actually heard of some of these agencies you’ve recommended so I’ll definitely take a look and start this process. And you’re so right, being a single parent, going through a divorce and being made homeless all feel like a full time jobs in themselves! Thank you so much for commenting because you’ve actually given me some tangible information that I can go and try and access whilst I go through this.

I’ve never had any dealings with social workers as a child or in my life before and I can safely say the few I’ve come into contact with have been truly evil. Which may sound so mean and awful as I know there are good ones too but I’ve had one say she could spot an abuser from a mile off and my ex was just a good dad desperate to see his son. This was after he tried to abduct our son in a car park and then chases us home in his car. The police were called again then.

I feel like they just want the case ended and wrapped up in a little bow. If my ex was a good dad who was a decent human, would I want my son around him? Of course! I’d be thankful for the break! But actually I’ve seen my son come back with bruises, telling me he’s been hurt by my ex’s partner, my ex has no real paternal care for our child and I know this is just further reasoning to get at me.

Even when the court ordered that we speak through a parenting app he messaged me 23 times in 3 days. It’s not normal but they don’t seem to care.

That's hideous OP I'm so sorry 😔 it takes such courage to disclose this information (I still haven't mustered up the strength to tell anyone in real life), to have it dismissed like that is unforgivable. I know there are good social workers out there, but I know quite a few personally and professionally and honestly they are often the last people who should be in such a job. It's a career that attracts a disproportionate amount of damaged souls who may be well meaning, but who often do not have the insight and emotional intelligence required to do the job well.

I've realised that so many people in general - men and women - don't really understand abuse and the subtleties involved. I'm glad for such women when they don't as it means they've most likely never experienced it, but it is wildly frustrating when their ignorance has consequences.

In any event, there's nothing subtle about rape so there really is no justification for what she wrote in her report.

Well done for leaving such a horror of a man, things will get better in time I promise 💐

When Cafcass did the same to my relative she filed a complaint to them and then when they got back with a load of excuses they took it to the MP and ombudsman! It was a lot of work for my family but it eventually worked out (in family court). 'In Your Defence' by Sarah Langford a barrister she writes how social workers do this. Really worth a read

The names they come under may be dependant on the area that your from, if your legal aide solicitor or the police officer dealing with the rape are any good they should have really pointed you in the right direction, I used RASA (rape and sexual assault agency) SWACA (Sefton women’s and children’s agency) then an IDVA is an independant domestic violence advocate. They will likely hold a MARAC which is a multi agency risk assessment conference to decide how the best way to support you is. This conference is attended by all the relevant agencies where they can all have their input and decide next steps.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know you probably don’t have the time or the energy but try and access some mental health support if at all possible to help you process what you’ve been experiencing and also exercise as and when you can, even just 40 mins 3-4 times a week can do wonders to your mood and outlook. Fresh air and sun and healthy foods can also work wonders. On the weeks I have time to make the gym I’m like a new woman which has a knock on effect to my children, my home and my work. Take care x

I'm so sorry OP, you've been through such trauma and abuse and then to have it dismissed like that. Horribly cruel. Please try to take care of yourself.
I believe you@ineedasleep 💗

@ineedasleep

You are at the beginning of a transformation and just these messages alone are proof of what is possible.

I have a few friends who experienced varying degrees of interaction with social services but a common factor determining most final judgments came from the very first step:
YOUR RESPONSE.

Your conduct and how you deliver your next communication will be both a first impression and a precedence of what your parenting is measured against.

Whomever and however you respond: AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE ENSURE IT IS IN WRITING AND WRITE IT LIKE AN EXAM ESSAY.

Emotional appeals are best expressed through a mental health practitioner's professional opinion.

Any emotion you have can be twisted and used against you.

This will also inevitably rile up and infuriate this poor excuse for an adult, providing a shovel for which he can dig a latrine for himself. (To call him a P.O.S. is too good for him.)

A lady named Kelly Cottam is an activist for many things including forced adoption. Although I am not advocating anything political, her advice on families courts and services is sound.

The first step she recommends is to gather all current correspondence and to physically highlight key points. These are correspondences from both the CAFCASS and community services (such as police, GPs and solicitors) and any that you respond with. When you respond, a first then second and third draft to ensure the only emotional response is that for the sake of your child. Keeping your own experiences limited to "the incident I refer to" or "the behaviour the respondent demonstrated" must stay a point along a timeline. And (by no means do I say this minimising what you have endured and have gracefully recovered from) responding with your received abuse as being factual to the point it reads as a witness statement condensed to "the facts, only".

It is archaic how the representation for victims is made as unsympathetic as a tumor when asking for justice. I assume it attempts to be as unbiased as possible, toning down any possible emotional (unintentional) blackmail or (self-inflicted) personal distortion.

I hope you are fairly and completely represented and advocated for.

There is the organisation Step Change who I cannot speak more highly of. It doesn't cost anything but they have legal connections to point you towards and (I think) can refer you to.

How supportive are your family and friends? Have you got time for yourself even if it's only 5 ?minutes to just cry and let it out?

Rooting for you.

May this moment be tribute to your strength and the opportunity for the beginning of better things.