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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wife situation

35 replies

Parker57 · 11/07/2024 08:15

I’ve been with my partner for over 3 years, we have a house together and he has 2 children from his marriage. We don’t have any and no intention to. He left his marriage, initially it was mutual but quickly turned to his ex wanting him back. This was 4 years ago. Since we then every wedding anniversary she sends him a message about how this time xx years ago I was getting ready to marry you and this isn’t how I want life to be, something similar was sent at Christmas. She has a partner and house together also. My partner doesn’t reply, but also doesn’t shut her down. She also reacts badly when we are away on holiday together or when we bought our house together. I’m getting fed up of the lack of boundaries from her (always been an issue with her) and my partner not putting her straight, however the only contact he’s interested in is about their children and he’s really open about what she messages (it used to be way worse in the beginning). Am I over reacting and she’s just someone who can’t get over her ex or should this be brought to a head - her partner clearly doesn’t know about this and how she still messages these things to her ex husband.

OP posts:
paywalled · 11/07/2024 08:24

YANBU. Have you told your DP that you’d like him to tell her her messages are inappropriate?

FatmanandKnobbin · 11/07/2024 08:28

Not replying is shutting it down.

If he replies then an argument ensues and it impacts the kids. So I think he's doing the right thing ignoring it.

JacquesHarlow · 11/07/2024 08:30

I agree with the above poster - not replying is the way forward. He is doing the right thing and has shown commitment to you in his deeds as well (buying house together and your life etc).

I have voted YANBU but I think you need to chat more with him and know what you’re doing together on this

CollyBobble · 11/07/2024 08:33

He's doing the right thing. Ignoring those messages but not creating a row by telling her to stop which could result in difficulties seeing his children.

He's with you, he's not interested in her so let it go.

FussyPud · 11/07/2024 08:40

He appears to be utilising the grey rock method of just not letting anything she says impact him. If it works for him, and her messages are just left ignored, I’d just let him crack on.

Haveyouanyjam · 11/07/2024 09:18

Not unreasonable to find it inappropriate or annoying, but unreasonable to expect him to make a big thing of it. I agree ignoring is shutting it down without making a production, she is likely doing it for attention and he’s not giving it to her.

There are always going to be downsides to being with someone who has children with someone else, and whilst you have every right to be upset with her behaviour, it’s a ‘her’ issue and not a problem with your DP. She’s not in your relationship so just try and forget it.

NikNak321 · 14/07/2024 07:03

I agree with what the people are saying here. He is ignoring her messages... overtime they will get less 👍. It's difficult as he left and didn't want to reconcile...there's probably guilt attached to that; that he didn't want to re-establish the family.

He also won't want to rock the boat re: access with this kids or want to damage his kids main home life. There is nothing positive to achieve for the kids; by challenging her inappropriate messages. He does not encourage, he is open with you and he has made his future clear without rubbing her face in it...his future is you. I'd leave this one alone. I did vote YANBU too....because your not. I'd be p**sed too. But I really think it's one to leave alone and support your partner to continue to Grey Rock her. I think he is putting the kids first by not attacking this head on 👍. Good luck OP ❤️

notnowmarmaduke · 14/07/2024 07:06

What does it matter? He is ignoring her, and he is with you, just ignore it

PeachyKeane · 14/07/2024 07:08

Agree with all the above. Annoying but leave your partner to continue to deal with it as he is doing.

mightydolphin · 14/07/2024 07:17

FatmanandKnobbin · 11/07/2024 08:28

Not replying is shutting it down.

If he replies then an argument ensues and it impacts the kids. So I think he's doing the right thing ignoring it.

Yup. I agree with this.

She's obviously a bit crazy to keep sending these messages. Don't rock the crazy boat. The kids might fall out...

Kitkatcatflap · 14/07/2024 07:18

I think he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's clearly inappropriate behaviour from the ex wife and it's also disrespectful to her current partner and you. If her actions now are indicative of her as a whole - she is unhinged to be doing this after 3 years. I imagine your partner does not want to rock the boat or light the fuse. I would believe him when he says he is doing it for the children.

I agree with the above poster that he is using the grey rock technique. Do not acknowledge, do not respond. The fact he is telling you, although hurtful, is showing be is being open and honest about the situation.

Rudicoolcat · 14/07/2024 07:21

I too agree that by ignoring her messages is dealing with them, without causing unnecessary drama for the welfare of his children. Clearly he's not interested in her or her mischief making. He's with you, not her. Hold your nerve, this will hopefully pass when she's bored of no reaction.

Krista882024 · 14/07/2024 07:38

This reply has been deleted

We decided to take this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

7monthsofwinter · 14/07/2024 07:49

Were you the OW OP?

Londonrach1 · 14/07/2024 07:52

You dp doing the best response ignoring the messages. No way say anything as it blow up and effect the children.

Didimum · 14/07/2024 07:54

Agree. Your partner is doing the right thing to simply ignore them, considering there are children involved. He shouldn’t feed the behaviour in any way – negatively or positively. The ex is hardly reasonable and logical anyway, considering she is doing is, so responding logically likely will not have the desired effect.

YANBU for disliking it however.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 14/07/2024 07:57

This reply has been deleted

We decided to take this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

What the actual fuck?

This woman is inappropriate. But she isn’t an animal and it’s not partners job to muzzle or leash a partner to stop a behave their partners ex, new partner doesn’t like. It’s an appalling way to talk about a person.

@Parker57 i think ignoring it is best. They have kids. Your partner isn’t responding. You know about the messages so he isn’t hiding it. Creating drama is just giving her the attention she is looking for and makes things more difficult when trying to co parent. Acknowledging it will only end in more drama.

Krista882024 · 14/07/2024 08:00

I'm not anything but single but in a situation like this I would take myself out of the equation trusting my partner would handle the problem effectively... OW doesn't mean anything more or have any more status or privilege than OP, loyalty n love is the same but it does if she an X and she the X wife for a reason

Sunshinethrumywindow · 14/07/2024 08:27

It would be alot worse if he was responding and agreeing with her.
She's probably hoping you'll see the messages and cause tension I can imagine it's annoying af but don't react as that's what she wants. He's probably being silent so she can't twist his words.

roastedrapidly · 14/07/2024 08:41

I think him being open with you about the messages is a very good sign.

TimetoPour · 14/07/2024 08:47

I would be pissed off with her too. It’s totally inappropriate. Says a lot more about her than him.

Your DH is doing the right thing though. He is being open with you and ignoring her. If he replies, it will open a line of communication and this is not a discussion he is interested in.

Keep silent and give her nothing. Any reaction will be a good reaction in her mind. She will know she has got in your heads.

ForZingyHare · 14/07/2024 09:22

To be fair, it's absolutely nothing to do with you. It's his choice how he chooses to deal with the situation, it's one he's decided on to protect the relationship with both his ex wife, who could make things truly difficult, and his children. Butt out, you chose a man with a past and children, what did you expect? you need to deal with it.

DottyLottieLou · 14/07/2024 15:22

As long as he keeps your informed whats going on I wouldn't rock the boat for the kids sake.

Pinkheffalump · 14/07/2024 15:51

My now late partner and I had the same same thing with his ex wife. Moving to New Zealand, she's got cancer, kids hate me ....Zzzz!
Do what we did. Ignore it. She'll soon buzz off!

Branwells77 · 14/07/2024 21:44

I think your OH is doing the right thing
A. He is not responding to her messages
B. He is telling you about the messages
I can understand him not saying anything also because he’s thinking about the kids is she the type that would spite him and stop him seeing the kids even temporarily if he bluntly told her to stop messaging and to move on I understand it’s frustrating for you but he’s trying to keep the peace and trying to uphold his relationship with his children I know it’s not right or fair but he’s juggling the situation best he can and is communicating with you.

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