Ex wife situation

[Parker57]

I’ve been with my partner for over 3 years, we have a house together and he has 2 children from his marriage. We don’t have any and no intention to. He left his marriage, initially it was mutual but quickly turned to his ex wanting him back. This was 4 years ago. Since we then every wedding anniversary she sends him a message about how this time xx years ago I was getting ready to marry you and this isn’t how I want life to be, something similar was sent at Christmas. She has a partner and house together also. My partner doesn’t reply, but also doesn’t shut her down. She also reacts badly when we are away on holiday together or when we bought our house together. I’m getting fed up of the lack of boundaries from her (always been an issue with her) and my partner not putting her straight, however the only contact he’s interested in is about their children and he’s really open about what she messages (it used to be way worse in the beginning). Am I over reacting and she’s just someone who can’t get over her ex or should this be brought to a head - her partner clearly doesn’t know about this and how she still messages these things to her ex husband.

I am in a very similar situation and my husband goes between telling her it’s inappropriate to ignoring and even though in the moment him responding and telling her it’s inappropriate feels better, we have found that the best response is to ignore. She sent him a handwritten letter on Christmas Day and he just handed it straight to me. It’s such an odd desperate way to act.

Are they divorced?

Your husband is doing the right thing by ignoring her. Any reaction will feed the beast.

Don’t get involved and don’t tell her DP.

I’ve been in this exact situation where my ex kept doing exactly this to me. We have kids together so the only reason I have contact otherwise I’d have blocked them. I only ever responded to appropriate communication about kids. I never responded to anything else. Silence is golden sometimes. I think your partner is doing exactly the right thing, not encouraging but taking control of what he responds to, that is where the power is, and he’s been very open with you about it. At the end of the day they have kids together and keeping it civil will benefit them.

Her being ignored is the best response he can give.

I empathise because my DHs has little flashes of getting like this every now and again - she ended the relationship but has remained single despite dating and I think she regrets the split. Like your DP, mine ignores it which I know objectively is the right thing to do for the children but I really hate and wish he would say something. I just focus on the fact that this is her issue, not mine. It’s really hard!

No you aren’t being unreasonable. Most
people would i think find that hard to stomach. I suspect it’s not so much the fact she sends these communications but his response which bugs you most. She clearly has issues - but it’s him ‘not shutting it down’ that’s the problem.
How would you feel asking him directly why he doesn’t, and how he would feel if the situation were reversed?

It may well be that he just wants to preserve reasonable relations so as not to risk access to his children but maybe understanding his thought process and ultimately getting reassurance that he no longer has any feelings for her would
help make it more tolerable.

It’s totally inappropriate of her, but there is no point in challenging it or trying to “bring things to a head” if your DH can ignore the messages without them bothering him. And since they don’t sound abusive, that’s probably reasonably easy for him. If he can manage it, that is by far the easiest way to handle it with the least chance of it interfering with his relationship with his kids.

Bringing things to a head or responding to her at all, just gives her power.

(Abusive in a nasty/critical way, obviously that they are inappropriate is abusive in a sort of way).

To be honest, when adding a man with the past and children, I would expect the previous relationship to be over by the time we start dating and most communications between exes to be about children. I don't think anyone goes into a relationship thinking OP's scenario is normal and to be expected.

Your timeline seems quite tight… he left her four years ago and you’ve been together for over three? It seems likely that you were on the scene if not actively involved with him when he left her. To me that paints this in a completely different light… of course she is never going to accept your relationship or see it in a more respectful light. You didn’t respect her marriage or their family together.