Mother in law - what would you do

[Lkakpk]

So a bit of background … my husband has one brother . Brother has four kids .Him and his wife rely heavily on my mil to extent shes almost like a full time nanny and a lot of times ive asked for help shes not been able to due to them already asking.
Me on other hand am very close to my morher and never really needed her help and i think thats been something that has bothered her over the years and there is a lot of jealousy with my mum .
Recently she went through a hard time so i tried to include her more .
She recently spoke to my husband and asked to tell me to use her for babysitting as she would love to mind our youngest more .
First time i asked she replied with i have plans but can cancel( coffee date ) - i told her its not a problem i can sort something else out but i just thought you may want to spend time with our son expecting her to indeed cancel knowing i was trying to take on waht she had said to my husband . She replied oh ill see if i can go another day . Withih minutes replied she couldnt- i was quite took aback she would turn down spending one on one time with my son she rarely sees for a coffee date with someone who is barely a close friend and even more so as my sil has her literally doing everything and she never says no .
Now comes the issue - followng day my elsest son has just started a class that his cousin goes too - i arrive to find said cousin with mil who had not even offered to take both of them ? Surely if you knew both grandsons were at same class and live five mins away you would offer to take both to keep it fair ? Couldnt help but feel annoyed especially as it was raining and had my youngest in tow. Would you be annoyed?How would you navigate this ? I wouldng ask her to babysit again nor would i want her to take my child to lesson out of principle .

First time i asked she replied with i have plans but can cancel( coffee date ) - i told her its not a problem i can sort something else out but i just thought you may want to spend time with our son expecting her to indeed cancel knowing i was trying to take on waht she had said to my husband

This was really manipulative of you. You tried to guilt her into cancelling prearranged plans and them when she didn't drop everything for you, you think she's doesn't want to see her grandchild?

Good for her standing her ground, I say.

@KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop i should really of put this has happened countless times since initial chat but that was most recent .

I think if you wanted her to have your son and cancel her plans you shouldn't have said 'it's not a problem' when you thought it was and then moan about it when she doesn't know you mean the opposite.

It must depend how last minute you asked too? I'd feel rude cancelling on someone without a good reason and she obviously thought you could sort something else.

The class thing wouldn't bother me. If she offered to take them both then that's great but you signed your child up hopefully expecting to take him every time anyway and any offer of a lift from granny would be a bonus.

You can't say that it's not a problem when she says she had plans then get annoyed she didn't cancel said plans.

You expect too much.

You need to communicate more directly. If you say it’s not a problem if someone already has plans when you ask them to babysit, they aren’t to know you mean the opposite.

It’s not easy to change established relationships. You’re both used to doing what you already do. If you want her to change you have to make it easy

I wouid never ask again

i should really add a bit more to this .
She also moans to my husband about seeing kids more but on days she asks normally my kids have classes so i offer alternates and its as if she makes it nore difficult by saying no with things she could easily swap or go later /earlier . I feel as a single retired woman she shouls respect how busy young family life is and instead try to fit round us more instead of fittibg is in mostly around her other son and her gym classes

@BowlOfNoodles i wont be . Thats my take on it . If i was a mil i would take any chance i get to mind my granbabies i dont see often … i beleive most grans would

I see why you feel like she's shown favoritism I've been in this exact situation! My sons on playstation network on the headsets he's cousins are at nanny's house all allll the time my sons invited once every few months!!

@IDontLoveTheWayYouLie it was mondat i asked and i wanted her Saturday so reasonable time frame to cancel IMO

🙄

@BowlOfNoodles i understand . its hard not to feel annoyed especially when its so blatant!

You know what she's like, so base your expectations of her on your experience.

Her talking to your husband was probably just a way of making herself look/feel like a more involved grandmother than she really is.

If you have your own mum to rely on and don't need her help, just carry on as you were without her (and don't feel guilty about not including her).

If you try to reconcile what she says with what she does, you'll end up getting aggravated and becoming a little manipulative yourself, as with the coffee date thing, or cutting off your own nose to spite your face (refusing to let her take your child to the lesson if she does happen to offer).

You are very emotionally manipulative.

You've no idea what you would do, the poor woman is already almost a nanny as you've stated. She had a coffee date and you expect her to cancel that as well? When dies she get time to herself?

You're not using her again for babysitting etc, so not sure what your issue is?

@CheekyHobson Thankyou for such a well balanced and thought out response. You are right … i cant change her and also i agree massively on her conversation with my husband as i beleive she is embarassed of her lack of visits /babysitting

Some people don't like to be flakey to friends, especially when you've said it's not a problem her not babysitting.

It sounds like you have your mum for help if you needed it and SIL has MIL for her help.

I still don't think anyone should have to cancel on plans unless it's an emergency (when you quite clearly said you could sort something else).

It might seem unfair that she sees the cousins more but it's probably not fair that she has to act as a full time nanny for them when she's retired either. She's allowed to do stuff for herself too.

If she keeps offering to see your kids on club days ask if she wants to take them and have dinner together after or something.

Thank you.

I find that choosing to accept the reality of who people really are rather than the people we would prefer them to be/they would like everyone to think they are makes life a lot stressful/more peaceful.

Experience has taught you that your MIL isn't someone you can rely on for childcare. But occasionally you might get a little here and there, so why turn your nose up at it?

If you lower your expectations to ground level and focus on the fact that you don't need her anyway because you have a wonderful mum you can direct your gratitude towards, you can regard the little bits you might get from MIL as bonuses rather than scraps.

Thanks everyone!

Do you invite her over for a meal or tea or do you just see her as potential childcare? You seem a bit cross she has a life outside of babysitting.

Favouritism is always hurtful, but I think your children should have a relationship with your mil. If grandparents had a job description I don’t think dropping everything to babysit would be one of the criteria! Maybe having all of the grandchildren might be too much for her? Accept her as who she is and it will be easier.

sounds like she is very busy and committed with your BILs family

I don't see why she would take both grandchildren to class - surely she would have to first take one grandchild to the house of the other, and go on from there? It doesn't sound straightforward.

By the same token, surely it would be just as easy for you to offer to take your BIL's child to class with yours - but that doesn't seem to have crossed your mind?

Surely bil gets enough help!