Mother in law - what would you do

[Lkakpk]

So a bit of background … my husband has one brother . Brother has four kids .Him and his wife rely heavily on my mil to extent shes almost like a full time nanny and a lot of times ive asked for help shes not been able to due to them already asking.
Me on other hand am very close to my morher and never really needed her help and i think thats been something that has bothered her over the years and there is a lot of jealousy with my mum .
Recently she went through a hard time so i tried to include her more .
She recently spoke to my husband and asked to tell me to use her for babysitting as she would love to mind our youngest more .
First time i asked she replied with i have plans but can cancel( coffee date ) - i told her its not a problem i can sort something else out but i just thought you may want to spend time with our son expecting her to indeed cancel knowing i was trying to take on waht she had said to my husband . She replied oh ill see if i can go another day . Withih minutes replied she couldnt- i was quite took aback she would turn down spending one on one time with my son she rarely sees for a coffee date with someone who is barely a close friend and even more so as my sil has her literally doing everything and she never says no .
Now comes the issue - followng day my elsest son has just started a class that his cousin goes too - i arrive to find said cousin with mil who had not even offered to take both of them ? Surely if you knew both grandsons were at same class and live five mins away you would offer to take both to keep it fair ? Couldnt help but feel annoyed especially as it was raining and had my youngest in tow. Would you be annoyed?How would you navigate this ? I wouldng ask her to babysit again nor would i want her to take my child to lesson out of principle .

No, that wouldn't annoy me at all.

Your dm had a prior engagement. It doesn't matter what it was. She is not so ill mannered as to break it. Fair enough.

Your MIL was at the class with your nephew/niece. Did she know your child would be there? Perhaps she only has one car seat. Perhaps she specifically wants 1on1 time with the child. Perhaps she can't cope with two children at once.

Why do you expect other people to look after your children?

Dgms caring for your child is nice but they don't have a duty. It would be a kind favour but they are under no obligation. Why don't you invite them over for tea instead?

So as a single retired woman…. Just read that back. She should be fitting round you? Really? Maybe she sees that you have your mother helping you already. You are being unreasonable, I think.

'I feel as a single retired woman she shouls respect how busy young family life is and instead try to fit round us more instead of fittibg is in mostly around her other son and her gym classes'

So you think your routine and concerns are more important than hers? That yours should take precedent. Can you not hear how arrogant and entitled you are? The fact that neither grand mother wants to help you says it all.

I think the issue is it fits around the bil! I've seen the look on my sons face when he's cousins are online saying we are at nans 🫥 even as a child he's noticed he's not included

Lkakpk

i should really of put this has happened countless times since initial chat but that was most recent

i should really add a bit more to this

I should really keep drip-feeding until everyone agrees with me.

Next time she mentions not seeing your children more then the adult should ask her how much she'd like to see them and does she have time for a regular babysitting slot? It maybe that she'd like to see the children with you and not as a babysitting job. Her not being a flaky friend and cancelling her social engagement is a positive thing. It shows she's reliable. So far your attempts to ask her to babysit have been adhoc and last minute. She will want something preplanned.

I agree that looking after 2 children can be more hassle than one. I wouldn't expect someone who already has one child to also take on another one. You don't take your nephew home just because you're taking your son home so why should she be expected to?

OP, not every gran is leaping at the chance to spend more time babysitting their DGC.

Especially, I imagine, those who are already practically acting as a nanny for other DGC.

She obviously does feel the disparity between what she does for your BIL's DC and what she does for yours. But it seems to be difficult for her to match that, without impacting detrimentally on her other activities - gym classes, coffee dates etc.

In an emergency, I would hope that of course she would drop those and help out you and her DGC. But of the occasions you gave, the first you said was "fine" (though still expected her to drop her plans) and the second, you seem annoyed that you had to take your own DC to a class because it was raining and you had to take your younger one along. You think she should have offered to take both cousins. To me, that is absolutely unreasonable of you - you didn't ask, you expect her to mind read and don't see that taking 2 DC to an activity can be harder work than taking 1 (the irony of complaining that you had to drag a younger DC along!).

Families are all different. The level of support provided by grandparents is different. You have support from your mum. You want even more from your MIL. And you are confusing "support" - babysitting, taking them to classes etc, with spending time together - inviting MIL over for a coffee or meal to spend time with the DC. You may find she's more willing to do that than when you are asking her for favours?

I may be misunderstanding but you said that you have a close relationship with your mum, so haven't hardly needed mil for help, but also said mil has not helped you lots of times due to being busy? Which is it?

It sounds like you always use your mum, and mil helps your sil? So where is the problem?

YANBU. She sounds like a jealous weirdo who wants to be needed but not actually help.

You didn’t even want her help.

Just ignore her and if she moans to DH tell him you tried to involve her but she’s not available so he can arrange future babysitting with her and drop off dc to her.

You describe her as a single retired female, as though that means she should be available for you when it suits you and not have any interests or commitments otherwise.

You thank a poster for agreeing with you, but drip feed information otherwise. You have a close relationship with your mother. Maybe she feels she shouldn’t intrude on that. Maybe she’s made a life for herself, with other people. Of course life with a young family is busy. That doesn’t mean she has to drop things when you expect her to.

Your mil already has a lot on but would like to help if and when she can. She couldn't on this occasion. Give her more notice and , I may be getting this wrong, but you could show her how much you value her also. My DM looked after my DNs I didn't think ooh I need to have my fair share of her time I felt that they were my DC and my responsibility to organise. DM would probably have said yes but then have had no time for herself it was nice for her and those DC that it was possible for that to happen.
I find your suggestion that she should fit around you a bit offensive. Maybe I am misinterpreting?

So just a few points to add . I do not need any help with childcare . My mum is happy to do it and kids are happiest with her . I have no desire for her to help nor am i jealous of help given to bil - My mil ASKED to be asked more and since that conversation with my husband she has not offered once and when ive asked her she has made excuses yet drops everything for her other son .
My issue is she seems to want to act to her son like shes making effort when in actual fact there is no effort ( unless its on her terms and its a drop in no notice visit )
As for comments about me wanting her to drop everything for me - far from truth , im more than happy with current arrangement but dont make comments to your son about wanting to be involved more with no intention of being available .

I was trying to include her more … but in all honesty doesnt affect me either way as shes been no help atall with my 9 year old ds

@paywalled thankyou ! prob one of the only few that understands i wasnt needing help i was just doing it to include her . I dont understand how thats not clear ?!

@fishonabicycle as stated my mum is my preferred child care . i only ask mil to include her ( trying to be nice ) as she said she would love to?! So there is no what one is it ?! My mother is my main childcare as stated …

My own MIL behaves like this. After so many Christmas cancellations, last minute unavailability when everyone has booked annual leave & packed to visit her, missed birthdays etc I’ve given up. She talks absolute trash to people about how I’ve come between her & the kids but I know, that she knows, this isn’t true & the crap she comes out with is motivated by shame that she’s an absent grandparent to her DS’s children. I used to lie to the kids and say ‘poor granny can’t make it, her car won’t start / bad tummy’ but now I don’t tell them if she’s planning to visit so it’s either a nice surprise if she arrives (rarely) and no harm done if she doesn’t.

DH just accepts this as ‘normal’.

i’ve stopped inviting her now & when she calls & tells me she misses the children I just make soothing noises and say ‘you must let me know your availability, we’ll definitely put something in the diary’ rather than trying to ‘fix’ the issue, and she never confirms a date.

I don’t think she’s a horrible woman. I’m sure she loves them in her own way and I think their relationship will improve when the children are adults, though sadly she will be quite old then. I think she enjoys the idea of children a lot more than the reality & feels ashamed of this but she shouldn’t, the only person judging her for that is herself. What she needs to stop doing though is blaming everyone else (DH’s dad has taken the brunt of the blame for no reason that makes sense, followed by me, DH, DHs ex girlfriend the kids mum, the kids other grandmother, the dog, probably the local shopkeeper and maybe Tony Blair, you name it anyone but her own choice). Jokes aside she can get really nasty about it & I do wonder sometimes is she actually mental to keep persuading herself that we’re all working against her, when it’s her choice?!

@Meadowfinch did you read the post ???? my mum helps me daily … i was asking my mother in law to abide by her wishes ? What a rude message i hope you are ok ! people are only ever like that for a reason IMO

@LaMarschallin 😂 okay 🙄

@ChampagneBlossom44 yes i get this … sometimes its easier it seems to blame others instead of looking at yourself . interestingly though my mil soley seems to lay blame with me as if her son hasnt got time to deal with her requests … thats kind of another bug bear of mine

It seems you’ve made up your mind that your response was the correct one, so I’m not really sure what you want from posters on here except a chorus of ‘yes, I agree with you’?

Your Mum helps you daily? Poor woman - does she get a choice? You know when you have kids family don't have to provide all your childcare needs. You sound like hard work and maybe your MIL just doesn't like you that much or enjoy spending time with you? Maybe her other sons wife is nicer company? Just a thought.....

Invite MIL around for a meal with all of you and ask her to bring her diary, so you can agree a date to be of help. If MIL is interested she will come, if not husband will see she is not interested.

I feel as a single retired woman she shouls respect how busy young family life is and instead try to fit round us more instead of fittibg is in mostly around her other son and her gym classes

It sounds like the other son is the favoured one and gets more of her time but honestly your attitude sucks. She is entitled to her own life & plans and doesn’t have to drop everything for other people & their obviously more important busy lives.

In my opinion, it is important to recognize that individuals have unique perspectives and feelings that are equally valid. While you have received support from your family, it is understandable that your mother-in-law may feel like a last resort due to her closer relationships with her other grandchildren. It is crucial to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, seeking an honest conversation rather than an argument. It is natural for her to have a stronger bond with the grandchildren she spends more time with, and it is important to acknowledge this dynamic without taking offense. My intention is to provide an objective viewpoint based on my experience, helping you to see the situation from multiple perspectives.