Is my mum trying to control me?

Mand33th · 2024-07-10T22:19:11+00:00

I need some advice about my mum as I can get defensive easily due to things in my childhood. A bit of context: she was very controlling when I was growing up (read my diaries, monitored my phone and email account, quizzed me incessantly about friendships, even once followed me to a party to check my exact whereabouts…I was 19 at the time!) Over the years I’ve patched up my relationship with her and established boundaries and ways to preserve my privacy. I understand her better and it turns out she was treated in the same way by her parents and sometimes I feel sad for her as I don’t think she has been able to process the feelings that come with being controlled by her own mother. Anyway I'm now 29 and recently engaged. Me and my fiancé have been taking initial steps to plan the wedding and including her as much as I can. She’s suddenly becoming very controlling, offering big sums of money, buying items that she likes for the wedding without asking me and discussing my potential venues with other family members to see what they think. I feel violated and upset so I snapped at her and she’s now not talking to me normally even though I apologised for snapping at her. I don’t know if I’m feeling extra sensitive as I’m panicking about the controlling behaviour coming back. Am I being ungrateful and confusing her enthusiasm with controlling behaviour?

Thatcat · 10/07/2024 23:33

Whether your mum is a domineering person or not, it’s very common for parents to overstep when it comes to wedding planning. I don’t know why, but it happens often.

You’ll need to have a think of how you want this to go and set some hard boundaries and communicate them.
If your mum is giving cash, she’ll expect to be involved. So it’s up to you to manage her expectation of how involved in planning she’ll be if you’re accepting her money.

If you’re paying for it yourself, just do your thing. Best option imo.

cupcaske123 · 10/07/2024 23:42

She's been overly controlling all your life, yet you thought she'd be different over your wedding. I would use this time to keep her at arms length from the arrangements and not let her get involved again.

No you're not being ungrateful, her behaviour obviously triggers you.

OrwellianTimes · 10/07/2024 23:47

Leopards don’t change their spots comes to mind.

Try to do this without her money, even if it means cutting back on your dream wedding ideas.

AnnaMagnani · 10/07/2024 23:56

Even the most relaxed mum can go bonkers over a daughter's wedding. I found it was a good way to fall out with as many people as possible in a very short time - not what I'd been intending at all!

Your mum has a history of not coping well with you growing up and becoming an independent person. A wedding is a big life event and can often be a flash point as you have your own adult ideas, and your mum has dreams for 'her little girl'.

Your mum loves you and will get over it. But getting from mum-child to adult-adult is often painful.

MeAgainAndAgain · 11/07/2024 01:08

Never ask for, or accept money from her.

Present situations as a done deal. She can then attend or not.

If you want advice, ask other people.

Sadly, been there and done that. It’s all on a need to know basis now.

Original poster

Mand33th · 11/07/2024 08:51

Thanks for the replies.

Me and my partner have saved enough money to pay for the wedding ourselves so I suggested she pay for something like my dress or flowers if she’d like to contribute. Hopefully she will come round to that idea.

Ironically I actually like the things she has bought but the way she went about it touched a nerve!

OP posts:

redskydarknight · 11/07/2024 08:54

Yes, she's falling back into old habits. Your wedding is too important for her to not take control (subtext - you can't be trusted to do it properly).

Heads up - if you're planning to have children, she's likely to be the same once you have a baby.

I agree with not taking money from her - she will be reminding you of it for years.

CheeryReader · 15/07/2024 06:41

It's hard but if you don't put your foot down now it'll carry on..Explain to her you want to keep her involved with wedding but your choice only .if can't stop organising and talking to others then not involved.it shows you love your mom and she loves you but you need your life.tell her you don't want to carry on like this and it'll lead to her losing you in her life. is that what she wants?.this should be a happy time for you.havve you a relation that could get through to her.hope it goes well.i understand been there and I'm lot older.

notthefavourite · 15/07/2024 06:54

You need to be firm now or you will be right back where you were.

No to buying things for your wedding
No to telling you what to do

Cece54 · 15/07/2024 07:57

Since when was it wrong for the mother of the bride to offer money towards her daughter's wedding? Why is it automatically deemed to be controlling and interfering? Why is it not thought to be coming from a place of love and excitement? Do you have a dad? He's not mentioned. If she's a single mum then she'll be over protective, yes, and undoubtedly desperate to be involved. And yes, I get that following you at 19 was utterly ridiculous, but it does seem like she calmed down eventually. My son and now DIL wanted a spring wedding but couldn't afford it.... DIL's (affluent) parents refused to contribute a penny. My husband and I offered to pay for everything and they happily accepted. We gave them a decent sum of money to go ahead. From that second on we were excluded from everything by DIL. I didn't want to make any suggestions or have any say in decisions but I hoped to at least be kept in the loop. But NO !!!! My DIL consulted her own parents, her own sister, Turned down every offer of help i gave. And while my son thanked me for enabling them to get married, my DIL never did. Never once mentioned it. So cut your mum some slack. Yes, of course she shouldn't be buying stuff without consulting you, but keep her involved and just tell her you want to do it together rather than make individual choices. It's coming from a place of love.

redskydarknight · 15/07/2024 08:16

Since when was it wrong for the mother of the bride to offer money towards her daughter's wedding? Why is it automatically deemed to be controlling and interfering? Why is it not thought to be coming from a place of love and excitement?

In a situation where the mother is known to have no respect for her daughter's privacy or boundaries, thinks it is ok to dictate what she does and has already gone out and is already demonstrating that she wants to take over wedding planning ... yes, it's controlling.

In a lovely, warm, close relationship where everyone treats each other respectively ... OP would not have posted this thread.

bigethdicketh · 15/07/2024 08:39

my mom is similiar but very vindictive. just cut her out ur life she will always find a way to cut the boundaries

Edingril · 15/07/2024 08:41

So I presume you are funding it all yourselves so say thanks but no thanks to the money

Gingernut1989 · 15/07/2024 09:14

bigethdicketh · 15/07/2024 08:39

my mom is similiar but very vindictive. just cut her out ur life she will always find a way to cut the boundaries

I have to say the same and unsure if many won't agree. I did this & the relief I felt was immense. After a lifetime of this behaviour which then extended to once my first child was born. There was a moment where she was disciplining my son outside & it took my grandmother (my mums mum) to sit on the sofa and say to me "that is YOUR child. Why are you still allowing her to do this?"

I cut her off & did not look back until my eldest was 13. I made the mistake of letting her back in and the poster who said leopards don't change their spots was correct. So I cut her off again and the anxiety disappeared .

She has got other family members on board which means I have lost them too but it is worth it for the peace of not having the toxicity in my life.

This is your wedding. This is your big day and do not allow her to do this .

1mabon · 15/07/2024 09:36

Put your foot down, don't accept any monies or gifts, she's clearly a controlling woman. Tell her your wedding is all sorted you don't want her interfering. Return all gifts.

Mary46 · 15/07/2024 09:49

Op just be careful. My mother similar. "Look at all we did for u" .. I tell her very little now. She was ask lately how people afford their hols ! So if you take money she in control

bigethdicketh · 15/07/2024 10:42

Gingernut1989 · 15/07/2024 09:14

I have to say the same and unsure if many won't agree. I did this & the relief I felt was immense. After a lifetime of this behaviour which then extended to once my first child was born. There was a moment where she was disciplining my son outside & it took my grandmother (my mums mum) to sit on the sofa and say to me "that is YOUR child. Why are you still allowing her to do this?"

I cut her off & did not look back until my eldest was 13. I made the mistake of letting her back in and the poster who said leopards don't change their spots was correct. So I cut her off again and the anxiety disappeared .

She has got other family members on board which means I have lost them too but it is worth it for the peace of not having the toxicity in my life.

This is your wedding. This is your big day and do not allow her to do this .

Show quote history

thank you for that, as everything you have just said is how my birth mother is she turns everyone against you because of guilttripping and gas lighting its like u look at these people and think how can u not see through their manipulative vile ways, ive cut mine off for good and i feel relieved too and the others who she has sadly moulded into her, its sadder having them in our lives, but it is more peaceful letting them go. the only thing we can do is just learn from our mistakes of allowing them to get into our heads and let them go. they eventually will eliminate others from there lifes looking for a new supply. x

EnglishBluebell · 15/07/2024 10:49

Re: the wedding stuff, no I wouldn't say that was particularly controlling. Very involved yes but not quite controlling. Offering huge sums of money for the wedding is what many wealthy parents would do but you don't have to accept it. Also asking people's opinions on the venue isn't controlling your actions is it? Just asking opinions to report back to you, to help you make an informed decision. I expect if you were unsure about somewhere and heard that an acquaintance had married there, you may ask for their opinion on it? It's your big day, so it's important to pick the right place!
Her buying things for the wedding without your knowledge is def overstepping though 100%

redskydarknight · 15/07/2024 10:51

EnglishBluebell · 15/07/2024 10:49

Re: the wedding stuff, no I wouldn't say that was particularly controlling. Very involved yes but not quite controlling. Offering huge sums of money for the wedding is what many wealthy parents would do but you don't have to accept it. Also asking people's opinions on the venue isn't controlling your actions is it? Just asking opinions to report back to you, to help you make an informed decision. I expect if you were unsure about somewhere and heard that an acquaintance had married there, you may ask for their opinion on it? It's your big day, so it's important to pick the right place!
Her buying things for the wedding without your knowledge is def overstepping though 100%

I strongly suspect the OP describes "offering sums of money" as controlling because it comes with strings attached.

MitskiMoo · 15/07/2024 11:02

Gifts don't come with strings attached.

Rainydayinlondon · 15/07/2024 11:09

Gingernut1989 · 15/07/2024 09:14

I have to say the same and unsure if many won't agree. I did this & the relief I felt was immense. After a lifetime of this behaviour which then extended to once my first child was born. There was a moment where she was disciplining my son outside & it took my grandmother (my mums mum) to sit on the sofa and say to me "that is YOUR child. Why are you still allowing her to do this?"

I cut her off & did not look back until my eldest was 13. I made the mistake of letting her back in and the poster who said leopards don't change their spots was correct. So I cut her off again and the anxiety disappeared .

She has got other family members on board which means I have lost them too but it is worth it for the peace of not having the toxicity in my life.

This is your wedding. This is your big day and do not allow her to do this .

Show quote history

So you’re advising the OP to cut ties with her mother FOREVER, because she’s become over enthusiastic about the wedding??
How about just having a conversation with her??

DPotter · 15/07/2024 11:18

so I suggested she pay for something like my dress

Only do this if you both have exactly the same ideas on wedding fashion. Watch a few episodes of "Say Yes the the Dress" (a guilty secret pleasure of mine) to get some idea of the arguments brides & mothers of brides can have.

I'm with other pp - minimise her input. It's your fiancé's and your wedding. Long gone are the days when the brides mother arranged everything.

Dinkydo12 · 15/07/2024 11:20

Not sure what you want from posting this. Personally I would just ignore her and do your own thing. Do not tell her or anyone about your plans. They will find out on the day.

Cece54 · 15/07/2024 11:39

In a situation where the mother is known to have no respect for her daughter's privacy or boundaries, thinks it is ok to dictate what she does and has already gone out and is already demonstrating that she wants to take over wedding planning ... yes, it's controlling.

No, she already said they'd mended the relationship and established boundaries. And for those posters who say "cut her out of your life" !!!! WTAF ??? A civil conversation is all that's needed. Her mother is just excited about the wedding, as I was about my son's. As PRETTY MUCH EVERY MOTHER IS !!!! Is that not normal?? And as I wanted, just keep her in the loop. Ask advice/opinion... just involve her and she won't feel like she has to interfere just to be included !!! Way too quick to condemn and accuse and vilify on this site !!!! Try understanding and kindness... it's not hard!!!! Dreadful that the woman had the audacity to offer her daughter money for her wedding... how dare she care that much !!!!!!

redskydarknight · 15/07/2024 11:45

Cece54 · 15/07/2024 11:39

In a situation where the mother is known to have no respect for her daughter's privacy or boundaries, thinks it is ok to dictate what she does and has already gone out and is already demonstrating that she wants to take over wedding planning ... yes, it's controlling.

No, she already said they'd mended the relationship and established boundaries. And for those posters who say "cut her out of your life" !!!! WTAF ??? A civil conversation is all that's needed. Her mother is just excited about the wedding, as I was about my son's. As PRETTY MUCH EVERY MOTHER IS !!!! Is that not normal?? And as I wanted, just keep her in the loop. Ask advice/opinion... just involve her and she won't feel like she has to interfere just to be included !!! Way too quick to condemn and accuse and vilify on this site !!!! Try understanding and kindness... it's not hard!!!! Dreadful that the woman had the audacity to offer her daughter money for her wedding... how dare she care that much !!!!!!

They have mended the relationship because OP has established boundaries.
That doesn't mean the relationship is healthy - just that they can cope at a particular level.

A wedding provides the opportunity for a whole set of new things that don't have boundaries yet.

If a civil conversation was all that was needed, don't you think OP would have just had said conversation?

People are suggesting to cut the mother out, because they have experience of these sorts of relationships and know that "normal" rules don't apply. Decent people that know not to be controlling and manipulative don't need boundaries setting.