Is my mum trying to control me?

[Mand33th]

I need some advice about my mum as I can get defensive easily due to things in my childhood. A bit of context: she was very controlling when I was growing up (read my diaries, monitored my phone and email account, quizzed me incessantly about friendships, even once followed me to a party to check my exact whereabouts…I was 19 at the time!)

Over the years I’ve patched up my relationship with her and established boundaries and ways to preserve my privacy. I understand her better and it turns out she was treated in the same way by her parents and sometimes I feel sad for her as I don’t think she has been able to process the feelings that come with being controlled by her own mother.

Anyway I'm now 29 and recently engaged. Me and my fiancé have been taking initial steps to plan the wedding and including her as much as I can. She’s suddenly becoming very controlling, offering big sums of money, buying items that she likes for the wedding without asking me and discussing my potential venues with other family members to see what they think.

I feel violated and upset so I snapped at her and she’s now not talking to me normally even though I apologised for snapping at her. I don’t know if I’m feeling extra sensitive as I’m panicking about the controlling behaviour coming back. Am I being ungrateful and confusing her enthusiasm with controlling behaviour?

Yeah I understand you completely & it is difficult for anyone that hasn't been through that experience. The amount of people who say "you only get one mum appreciate her while she is here" without having any idea of how much we would love to have a normal mother. Just know that I understand xxx

OK try having a conversation. & then other conversations and then some for the rest of your life. I'm sorry maybe OPs mother is not that bad and I am just using my experience as an example and therefore cannot see the situation for what it is and my view is warped based on my experience. so if that's the case then maybe a conversation will do the trick . I just know with my mother I tried conversations for years & she would not get the picture & still tried to dictate every aspect of my life. Although she was abusive when I was a child (broke my wrist etc) so again I apologise if OPs mum is not a controlling narcissist. It just appeared that way.

Don't accept nonspecific amounts of money, you're right to be wary, given the history. Decide on something that you'd be happy to allow her to have some input into, and say that you've saved and are able to cover everything but if she'd like to contribute towards the wine eg, then you'd be grateful. Make it something you're not hung up on. You can then say, when she tries to weigh on on table decorations or whatever, ah thanks Mum, we have that covered but looking forward to the wine tasting. Done.

Will she have a tantrum before the process is out because of a lack of control over the situation? Probably. Can you stop that happening altogether? Probably not. You just need to know where your boundaries are, stick to them, remain steady and observe. She's not you, you're not her, this is a big flashpoint for a lot of mothers who haven't come to terms with the individuation of their DC.

This will only escalate. In your position I would elope (Gretna/ abroad, doesnt matter where) and have a party when we get back.

Mums are supposed to be controlling when you're young. They are looking after you. Thats literally their one job and its hard to shake that off sometimes . ;)

It looks like she wants to be involved in the wedding. If you're expecting a financial contribution from her then she has every right to put her views across. If you are paying it all yourself you need to be firmands tell her thats not what you want

There is a rather large difference between insisting your small child brushes their teeth (reasonable controlling) and carrying out the activities described in the OP. It's not as simple as learning to "shake that off" - it's having to learn that it was never acceptable.

Thanks for the replies and suggestions.

To the posters questioning why I think she is being controlling when she just seems excited - she has a track record for this behaviour and it took me a very long time to realise she was overstepping my boundaries. My self esteem was at rock bottom when I left home and I realised it was because I’d always felt an immense pressure to please my mum and predict what she wanted from me. I’ve built myself into a happy and confident person and established boundaries with her. These boundaries being overstepped again would make my wedding miserable and that feeling of panic is horrible.

As others have said I need to be firm with her and think about what I want to get her involved with.