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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of always being the one who has go ask for play dates

33 replies

sial · 10/07/2024 20:57

We moved to a new area almost 3 years ago and have found it quite challenging to make connections.

I've really put myself out there, meeting mums at the park, using the peanut app.

My DD is finally at preschool and we have a class WhatsApp and I see a lot of mums around and DD asks for play dates with friends etc.

But it just always seems to be me who has do ask. We do the play date and then if I don't ask again, they don't ask. It's a bit frustrating. They'll happily come and do something if I ask, but no one ever reaches out to me to ask us first.

I've created a group of girls who play together and it's the same on there too. Unless I ask, nothing happens.

I'm really sick of always being the one to go begging for play dates.

Is it just me ? Should I just keep doing it for my DD ?

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 10/07/2024 20:59

If you're new to the area they probably have mum friends they arrange play dates with rather than the kids asking for particular children, that's what it was like for our friends anyway. Then as the kids got older and started making firmer friends in class we started branching out more.

NuffSaidSam · 10/07/2024 21:00

You're obviously just more keen on playdates than they are.

Don't worry about it. If you ask, they say yes so they obviously like you and your DD.

Just carry on if you/your DD enjoys the playdates. It's not really that much effort to ask someone for a playdate via WhatsApp.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/07/2024 21:01

So sometimes someone just becomes the organiser in a group. It's normally a slightly unconscious thing but someone takes on that role and everyone is just happy with that.

It seems that is the role which you have accidentally fallen into

SophieB0012 · 10/07/2024 21:03

I'm one of those mums who accepts play dates but never returns the offer - sorry! 😬

Playdates are my personal hell. I'm socially awkward, I say weird things by accident and can't bear the feeling of being judged by another mum I don't know very well. Thats not to say I think they are actually judging me but it's just a feeling I always get and can't shake.

I also can't deal with rejection so even if I didn't really want it to happen, if I messaged a mum and they made excuses I would think about it for weeks and it would cause much anxiety! If I'm invited I make the effort for my kids but it's just not something I feel comfortable trying to arrange myself.

I would love to be one of those popular mums who has loads of friends and does stuff together with all the kids all the time but it just doesn't match my personality and I guarantee a lot of other mums are the same!

Original poster
sial · 10/07/2024 21:04

Just carry on if you/your DD enjoys the playdates. It's not really that much effort to ask someone for a playdate via WhatsApp.

That's a positive way to look at it thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
sial · 10/07/2024 21:08

I'm one of those mums who accepts play dates but never returns the offer - sorry! 😬

Playdates are my personal hell. I'm socially awkward, I say weird things by accident and can't bear the feeling of being judged by another mum I don't know very well. Thats not to say I think they are actually judging me but it's just a feeling I always get and can't shake.

I also can't deal with rejection so even if I didn't really want it to happen, if I messaged a mum and they made excuses I would think about it for weeks and it would cause much anxiety! If I'm invited I make the effort for my kids but it's just not something I feel comfortable trying to arrange myself.

I would love to be one of those popular mums who has loads of friends and does stuff together with all the kids all the time but it just doesn't match my personality and I guarantee a lot of other mums are the

Thank you for your perspective. I empathise with some of what you're saying for sure. Especially feeling rejected if someone says they can't make it.

I'm sure you're not that awkward and if someone can lighten the mood a bit and get to know you, I bet the weird things you say are funny. Don't beat yourself up. 😊

OP posts:
Whothefuckdoesthat · 10/07/2024 21:09

I think you’ve fallen into the role of organiser for a group of parents who are very happy to let you organise. If you stop, the kids won’t see each other outside of school (I’m not describing them as play dates. I’ve tried but it makes me cringe).

Original poster
sial · 10/07/2024 21:10

Whothefuckdoesthat · 10/07/2024 21:09

I think you’ve fallen into the role of organiser for a group of parents who are very happy to let you organise. If you stop, the kids won’t see each other outside of school (I’m not describing them as play dates. I’ve tried but it makes me cringe).

I don't know how else go describe it either but you're right play date is silly.

Yes I have fallen into that role now. I just need to accept it.

OP posts:
Whothefuckdoesthat · 10/07/2024 21:23

Yes I have fallen into that role now. I just need to accept it It is definitely a crap situation to be in, but I’d look at it as it being an ‘other people’s laziness’ issue rather than a ‘nobody invites us anywhere’ issue.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/07/2024 21:43

I think that you need to reframe this as , you are good at organising and therefore it happens.

Whereas if you didn't do anything then there wouldn't ve any playdates

Daisybuttercup12345 · 10/07/2024 21:49

I never had playdates Had 4 of my own and didnt need anymore kids round. Plus all the neighbours had kids the same age so they all played together in gardens and on the green outside the houses.
I found it was mothers whose own kids were bored tried to seek out playdates. Mine weren't..

Original poster
sial · 10/07/2024 21:57

Daisybuttercup12345 · 10/07/2024 21:49

I never had playdates Had 4 of my own and didnt need anymore kids round. Plus all the neighbours had kids the same age so they all played together in gardens and on the green outside the houses.
I found it was mothers whose own kids were bored tried to seek out playdates. Mine weren't..

Well yeah. We don't have anyone.

OP posts:
FLOWER1982 · 10/07/2024 22:02

Daisybuttercup12345 · 10/07/2024 21:49

I never had playdates Had 4 of my own and didnt need anymore kids round. Plus all the neighbours had kids the same age so they all played together in gardens and on the green outside the houses.
I found it was mothers whose own kids were bored tried to seek out playdates. Mine weren't..

That’s nice dear 🙄

mindutopia · 10/07/2024 22:04

In my personal experience, play dates weren’t really a thing at this age. I only did them with friends I wanted to see who happened to have dc the same age. It’s tedious making small talk with randoms. Play dates became more a thing in primary school when they could just be dropped off for a few hours. Otherwise, at nursery, they had time for socialisation. They didn’t need to do it outside too. We were busy with work and life and wanted family time together. If someone invited us and others seemed to be going, I’d begrudgingly go too. But definitely wouldn’t have been something I initiated as frankly just didn’t want to hang out with the mums from nursery.

TeachesOfPeaches · 10/07/2024 22:07

They seem a bit young to have all this extra organised socialising. Won't your child play with other children if you take her to a playground or museum for example?

Original poster
sial · 10/07/2024 22:09

mindutopia · 10/07/2024 22:04

In my personal experience, play dates weren’t really a thing at this age. I only did them with friends I wanted to see who happened to have dc the same age. It’s tedious making small talk with randoms. Play dates became more a thing in primary school when they could just be dropped off for a few hours. Otherwise, at nursery, they had time for socialisation. They didn’t need to do it outside too. We were busy with work and life and wanted family time together. If someone invited us and others seemed to be going, I’d begrudgingly go too. But definitely wouldn’t have been something I initiated as frankly just didn’t want to hang out with the mums from nursery.

It's not really a normal nursery. It's preschool and they're all starting reception in a couple of months. So they'll be together then too. It's part of the school kind of thing. I don't have play dates with my younger child, who's just in a normal private nursery and younger. I also don't ask mums for play dates in that scenario. This is more like school already.

OP posts:
Original poster
sial · 10/07/2024 22:10

TeachesOfPeaches · 10/07/2024 22:07

They seem a bit young to have all this extra organised socialising. Won't your child play with other children if you take her to a playground or museum for example?

Yes of course. They're all starting reception in September.

OP posts:
Plano · 10/07/2024 22:12

FLOWER1982 · 10/07/2024 22:02

That’s nice dear 🙄

Show quote history

It's true though. I don't chase people for playdates because we're busy enough. We happen to have a lot of friends with children the same age as mine. I will happily attend the odf playdate (and offer to host) but don't really chase them. I find some friends are keen to do them more often than I can fit in - meeting once then immediately trying to organise the next thing.

TeachesOfPeaches · 10/07/2024 22:14

If they've not even started school yet then what is the big rush to have all these extra play dates? You've got years ahead of you

Original poster
sial · 10/07/2024 22:20

TeachesOfPeaches · 10/07/2024 22:14

If they've not even started school yet then what is the big rush to have all these extra play dates? You've got years ahead of you

My DD wants to play with her friends. She's sociable and has fun. I don't think that's strange. I did the same at her age. It was just a lot easier back then.

It's not ' lots of extra time '. Occasionally and especially during holidays. It's not unusual.

OP posts:
Itsdefinitelytimeforanamechange · 10/07/2024 22:20

I echo what another poster had said about not enjoying playdates - I worry about clearing up my house if round mine / do I provide food / what do I do if my child kicks off or won’t share etc / partner is trying to WFH and it’s noisy / what do I do if they cancel and my child is really disappointed..

We have such a busy schedule as it is, it just seems like additional stress when we can pop to the park in our own time and they can play there and socialise. It does help that my 2 are quite close in age and can play together now.

CadhlaWren · 11/07/2024 06:40

The list of similar threads that mum sent suggested for me below yours were all about people not enjoying play dates. So I’m not sure how popular they are these days.

I will do them for my kids sake when I have to, but I am never ever going to suggest them. It’s nothing personal against other mums either, but I just cannot feel comfortable until it’s over, A play date always disrupts the dynamics amongst my own kids, someone’s going to be left out or pestered and over stimulated! Hard work.

PrincessPeache · 11/07/2024 06:45

I think it’s quite unusual to have so many play dates at that age, it’s great that your daughter loves it but it’s not really the norm and that’s probably why other parents aren’t reciprocating. When parents are working, time with the kids is precious and they don’t necessarily want to be spending it with other families who they are only friends with because their children are the same age.

MumChp · 11/07/2024 06:55

Preeschool?
Meet up at the playgrounds at the park.
Families are quite busy and 3-4 yo don't need a lot of playdates.

Original poster
sial · 11/07/2024 06:59

MumChp · 11/07/2024 06:55

Preeschool?
Meet up at the playgrounds at the park.
Families are quite busy and 3-4 yo don't need a lot of playdates.

Yeah we aren't talking about lots of play dates during term time. Maybe once every couple of months max at the park or something like that.

Holidays, people tend to do them quite a bit if they've taken time off, which most parents seem to do for at least some of the school holidays.

OP posts: