AIBU to feel like my DM could do more?

[GoldieLocks09]

My DM is mid 60’s, she’s got a severe thyroid issue, diverticulitis and has always struggled with her weight which has now led to type 2 diabetes.

She has been retired a couple of years now and I’ve managed to slow down a little too which means we see a lot more of each other, however I can’t help but feel like she is really damaging herself.. I’ve been on maternity leave for the past 8 months and pop in once or twice a week and I’m shocked by how lazy she is, and how badly her health is deteriorating.. she has a bad knee and has been told that she needs a certain BMI to get the operation even if she went private as it’s the recovery that would be an issue if she’s heavy. She was told this almost 18 months ago and at first really went for it and was losing weight steadily but since Christmas she just hasn’t been able to get back into it and I keep catching her with a handful of biscuits or a crisp packet shoved down the side somewhere. Due to her diabetes she should eat fairly low carb but is having a toasted sandwich for breakfast? She’s also been told to do daily exercises to help her knee until the op but she says she can’t because they hurt her too much.

Shes so reliant on my stepdad for everything and seems to do nothing around the house blaming her knee, even though he still works full time, and they regularly go on holidays/cruises (once every 3 months or so) and she has just got used to the fact that she’ll be on a mobility scooter and seems to actually enjoy the special treatment because she knows she’ll have an easy ride.

I’m so worried that she’s making her diabetes worse, won’t ever get her knee operation and has just succumbed to a life that she shouldn’t be accepting.

AIBU to want to say something or should I just let her live her life how she wants her to?

NB: reading it back immediately I’d think she was depressed if I didn’t know her, I’m 99% certain she’s not - they live a very happy life together and are travelling the world (even though I think she would have a better experience of it if she improved her health), I also speak to her most days and she never seems down but I know it’s not always that easy to read.

Not at all, traveling via crusie ship and mobility scooter.

I would talk to your Mum once about how worried you are and then it’s up to her.

I would definitely tell her how you feel. Once. Say everything you need to say and then let her go from there. She will either do something about her health or she won't, but badgering her won't accomplish anything.

I think there's a fine line between encouraging a loved one to live in an objectively healthier way, and letting someone be exactly who they are and loving them like that, even though it might cost them their health in the future.

I would say that in general terms there's nothing you can say or do that your mother doesn't already know, so why risk ruining your relationship by making a point about crisps.
If you feel you could actually support her and she would be receptive then that would be different, otherwise I'd leave things be.

Issues around weight loss and physical exercise are incredibly complex. It’s really not as simple as saying she just needs to eat less and exercise more. I’m sure your mum know what she needs to do but it’s just not that easy for the vast majority of people. Try not to feel to frustrated with her.

Hmmmm... you think don't that maybe she just might be in a lot of pain?

Pain means you can't sleep, which buggers up your food cravings which buggers up your weight. Its a vicious cycle tht is very difficult to break especially when you cinsider there's not actually a lot that GPs can help with pain.

Are her medications creating more problems such as stimulating her appetite?

My mum is very very similar to yours. I’ve had years of telling her it could all be so much better if only she moved more and got a grip on her diet. She won’t do it, and she can’t do it. Can’t, because she won’t. She’d rather have the ops and deal with daily pain and indignities and accommodations, than change. Shes not depressed or anything like it. She’d tell you she’s just accepting of her fate. Imo, she’s lazy and daunted.

My conclusion after many years is that it’s up to her. She’s a good few years on from your mum, and she’s been like this for almost 20 years. She’s content and at this point just wants to be left alone. Frankly, it’s none of my business. It’s her life, her body, her future.

I just feel really sorry for my dad who has his life massively restricted by her inability to help herself. But, also not my business. It’s their marriage.

I understand your frustration but there’s not really much you can do about this- she has to put the hard work in herself.

Some of what you’ve said sounds like depression- I also have a thyroid condition and I’m more susceptible to depression apparently, in part due to the thyroid issue. Add to that, the diet negatively affecting her diabetes and her knee will no doubt be causing her pain, probably adding stress to her other knee, and it’s a perfect storm of shit that just gets you down so that everything seems like it’s impossible to manage; weight loss etc.

I completely agree that holidaying 4-5 times a year isn’t an easy feat and she has the motivation to do it when she wants to.. she clearly can, but she’s very lazy at home, I realise she’s in a lot of pain and I feel for her hugely. But the onus is on my stepdad to always do all of the housework (including easy things like the dishwasher daily), I of course when I’m there will happily run the hoover round, tidy up glasses she has in front of her, empty/load the dishwasher, bleach the loo, etc.

I just feel like it’s sad, she could have such a good life and deserves to. She’s also not able to do anything with my kids which is fine, we don’t need her to but feels sad?

Take a look at YouTube the channel Kathy Hester and the series are you scared of The Starch Solution. The wife (Cheryl) lost loads of weight, I think last I heard it was 50lbs eating loads of healthy carbs and no fat (working with a doctor). She is now off her diabetes medication.

My dm had self induced health issues. I talked to her once about it in a proper sit down intervention type way. It made absolutely no difference but it did mean when she died several years later of those issues, I didn't have any guilt or what ifs...

Nice thread. Obese people are so lazy, if only they would put more effort and sort themselves out...

I thought we had moved from that kind of bullsh*t since the 2000s?

We all have our crosses to bear, not just obese people. It’s unacceptable for my mum to make zero effort about her problems and then complain unremittingly about them. I’ve got my own shit to be dealing with (which, incidentally, she has no time for because she doesn’t think they’re as serious as her problems).

This absolutely isn’t the purpose of the thread - the purpose of the thread is to talk about how my mum isn’t doing anything to help her deteriorating health and how I can help her 🙃

No, it's about how your mum is too lazy to sort herself out or hold on to a diet, the word is literally everywhere in your thread.

She’s lazy yes, she’s obese, yes. She’s not lazy because she’s obese, she’s had weight issues for years but previously had a very successful career and was extremely driven. Her health has deteriorated in recent years and so has her motivation.

Well this really and step dad having regular annual leave lucky him!

To be honest I would leave it as it’s going to run your relationship with her if you say anything - she needs to come to realise things for herself

If she's always got a high blood sugar it will make her feel like a sloth, lazy, sluggish and slow.

I'm assuming type two? Has she got a blood glucose monitor? Maybe actually SEEING her numbers might give her a shock.
My son is type one and it makes me angry that people will happily sit with diabetes type two and let it get worse out of laziness. It's a really difficult disease to manage but if she put the effort in she can get into remission unlike type ones.

Its entirely possible travel is taking all her energy and the time in-between is her recovering from that.