AIBU to feel like my DM could do more?

[GoldieLocks09]

My DM is mid 60’s, she’s got a severe thyroid issue, diverticulitis and has always struggled with her weight which has now led to type 2 diabetes.

She has been retired a couple of years now and I’ve managed to slow down a little too which means we see a lot more of each other, however I can’t help but feel like she is really damaging herself.. I’ve been on maternity leave for the past 8 months and pop in once or twice a week and I’m shocked by how lazy she is, and how badly her health is deteriorating.. she has a bad knee and has been told that she needs a certain BMI to get the operation even if she went private as it’s the recovery that would be an issue if she’s heavy. She was told this almost 18 months ago and at first really went for it and was losing weight steadily but since Christmas she just hasn’t been able to get back into it and I keep catching her with a handful of biscuits or a crisp packet shoved down the side somewhere. Due to her diabetes she should eat fairly low carb but is having a toasted sandwich for breakfast? She’s also been told to do daily exercises to help her knee until the op but she says she can’t because they hurt her too much.

Shes so reliant on my stepdad for everything and seems to do nothing around the house blaming her knee, even though he still works full time, and they regularly go on holidays/cruises (once every 3 months or so) and she has just got used to the fact that she’ll be on a mobility scooter and seems to actually enjoy the special treatment because she knows she’ll have an easy ride.

I’m so worried that she’s making her diabetes worse, won’t ever get her knee operation and has just succumbed to a life that she shouldn’t be accepting.

AIBU to want to say something or should I just let her live her life how she wants her to?

NB: reading it back immediately I’d think she was depressed if I didn’t know her, I’m 99% certain she’s not - they live a very happy life together and are travelling the world (even though I think she would have a better experience of it if she improved her health), I also speak to her most days and she never seems down but I know it’s not always that easy to read.

my mum is the same ..i feel like she is just sat waiting to die.As heartless as that seems it is a fact.She has a cleaner a gardener and us to run round after her.I sometimes feel we are enabling her but she will do nothing except watch crap tv . I do what I can but I refuse to feel guilty for her own choices.She is a clever woman but completely clueless on actual facts which she chooses to ignore.

Thanks all, we have a good relationship so the last thing I want to do is cause long term damage to that.

I totally agree with you @LadyWhistled0wn but I know it’s not as simple as saying ‘eat better / what you know you should and you’ll get better’.

@whichmag I have 2 DS’s, 4 & 8 months. She loves them and honestly would DO anything for them iie buys them lovely gifts, will always have treats waiting for them, but she lacks the ability to properly play with them now. I went to answer the door the other day for her and my youngest started crying whilst left in the room with her, chatty postman kept me for 5 mins and when I came back in the room he was just so upset when all he needed was to be picked up, which she can do if I specifically ask her to. Eldest doesn’t engage with her much, he loves her, but she doesn’t play and surprisingly she’s often the one sat on her iPad when he’s talking (not the other way around) - I find that super annoying.

@Mrsjayy he’s self employed and near retirement himself, he’s ran his business for years and makes it work around them. He’s got the balance quite good.

He earns well yes but she had a very successful career prior to retiring and in turn has a very nice pension so I think most of the cruises are actually paid for by her.. although they’ve been married almost 20yrs so their combined income is how they live their life.

Reading between the lines I think you're more upset she isn't as helpful in the way you'd prefer with your young children, that you've decided to have.

I'm not sure how I feel about this tbh.

Not the case at all - I didn’t even mention my DC until I was specifically asked how she was with them, we don’t need the help and have never asked her to do more in that sense. I don’t think grandparents have to ‘help’ with their DGC but I’d be lying if I said I didnt wish she would pay a bit more attention to them when we’re all round there to see her and spend time with her.

Osteoarthritis is often a familial disease, I think that there's every chance that in years to come you will be able to answer this question for yourself. Living with constant pain is very debilitating even without several co morbidities. The drugs she is likely to be on are all known to cause weight gain. I've just had a course of treatment for arthritis and gained 3 stone over 2 years, nothing made any difference and as the drug I was on made me constantly hungry it was pretty miserable. She's not lazy, most of the time she's completely defeated by her body. As for her having holidays, why on earth would you grudge her a break, have some compassion and be glad she can get away, I don't suppose there's much other joy in her life. Especially with such a judgemental daughter. Walk a mile in her shoes, then you will be entitled to an opinion

@GoldieLocks09 fair enough, I think that all you can do is approach it from being worried about her health angle and perhaps ask if there's a way you can offer support or help.
All of her health issues will be exacerbating each other and weight loss will feel insurmountable, she doesn't need to be labled lazy by her daughter, its easy to say that when you've got no experience of how she feels day to day.

The first bit of your comment was helpful, the second was not - why is MN so judgemental?!
I’ve literally said she deserves to be going on holiday so much, I’m happy she does and she would have an even better time if she managed to get some of her ailments under control - I’m aware it’s not easy. The thread is simply asking what is best to do: leave her to it and which her deteriorate further or to step in, have a bit of a brutal conversation but then offer help if she’s willing.

It is really tough to help a parent with a mindset that is not helping her health. The only thing I could suggest is to invite her to things with you such as swimming which is great exercise if you have mobility issues or food shop together and generally showing her what you do to eat healthily etc. It can be motivating to see someone close to you doing that.

That may not be overly helpful, but certainly I know I could never have a very direct conversation like that with my parents as they would feel criticised. I am not sure what else you can do.

I’m shocked by how lazy she is, and how badly her health is deteriorating
I keep catching her with a handful of biscuits or a crisp packet shoved down the side somewhere.

No wonder the poor woman flees to a cruise ship every 3 months. I hope she luxuriates in the smorgasbord, all inclusive booze and cabin views.
What do you want to bet that there won't be a hidden biscuit or handful of crisps anywhere to be seen?
You positively ooze disapproval, please tell me you don't "pop in" with your own key?