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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep baby (12 months) in nursery when she’s unhappy?

39 replies

dandelionwatch · 10/07/2024 08:54

Obviously have no desire to make her unhappy Sad but I don’t really know what other options I have.

DD started nursery 3 weeks ago for three days a week. She’s been very unhappy and unsettled: lots of tears at drop off and clinging to me, refusing to eat when she’s there and not taking much milk. Sleep has been erratic and she’s either barely slept or slept for hours and hours. She also cries when I pick her up. I’m a teacher so I don’t give her long days: she’s dropped off at just after 8 and I collect her just before 4.

Leaving work probably isn’t affordable and even if I did the earliest I could leave is Christmas.

I know that people often suggest a childminder but I’m not sure any even have space. Also, I have an older child who is happy and settled at the nursery and two drop offs and pick ups would be tricky to manage (DH can’t help with this; it all falls on me.) But also I am concerned about reliability and I don’t know DH would go for this for this reason. And there’s no guarantee at all she’d settle any better with a childminder.

I really don’t know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 10/07/2024 09:05

It can take a few weeks for them to settle and three weeks is still early days. Once she's settled with staff and the environment it'll get easier. Even babies that are very settled will cry at drop off and pick up.

Chat to the staff and see how she is through the day. Her sleep pattern will be different at nursery. It is noisy and busy and stimulating but most develop a nursery sleep routine after a few weeks.

Overthebow · 10/07/2024 09:09

It’s only been 3 weeks, give it time, she’ll likely settle eventually. As you said you do have to work and there’s no guarantees she’d settle any better elsewhere so I’d persevere with this nursery for now.

InTheRainOnATrain · 10/07/2024 09:11

It’s only been 3 weeks and she only goes 3 days per week! That’s only 9 days total. It just needs more time.

Bearbookagainandagain · 10/07/2024 09:11

I would give it more time, it's very normal at that age to have strong attachment to a parent and 3 weeks is still very early to tell. I would give it at least a couple of months to tell whether she will settle or not.

Whether a childminder would be better or not is more about whether she is comfortable in a large group or not. The fear of separation would be the same with a childminder.

Thetroutofnocraic1 · 10/07/2024 09:11

This is very difficult and upsetting for you. I think it is reassuring that you have an older child at the same place who is happy and settled there. I would certainly suggest speaking with the nursery staff about your concerns and see if there is anything they can suggest to help her settle in.

JuiceBoxJuggler · 10/07/2024 09:12

It took my little one around 2 months to fully settle. She couldn't be happier now.

Keep at it - she'll love it eventually. And, if not, revisit the situation in a month or so. She's also 3 days a week, for 3 weeks - that's 9 days - not enough time for a baby to adjust.

Startrekobsessed · 10/07/2024 09:12

It took my eldest 6-8 weeks to settle, he was sometimes crying so much and clinging they’d need to prise him from my arms, I cried most days after drop off.

we persevered and he settled fine, now a well adjusted 6 year old and I still have my job. One day this will also be a distant memory for you too, you’re doing great

Whereland · 10/07/2024 09:14

Oh it's so difficult I remember the awful feelings of guilt. My first boy took a full 3 weeks to stop crying and clinging to me at drop off. After that it did get a lot better. Still a little resistance at drop off but nowhere near as much and he grew to love it there

wiggleweggle · 10/07/2024 09:16

What PP's have said. She will adapt. She is also at a clingy stage where she is very aware of who her significant adults are. It's rough but as long as her needs are met and she is cared for, it will all be ok in the end

Caffeineneedednow · 10/07/2024 09:16

My eldest ( a covid baby) took quite a while to settle a good 2 months but once he did he loved his nursery and we're actually sad to see him leave it this year when he moves onto school.

If you are happy with the nursery, which I guess you are by your comments about your older child, then I would leave them a bit longer. If your a teacher I would caution against taking them out over the summer as it will mean there almost starting afresh in September. We had this issue with a 2 week Christmas break 6 weeks after he started and we ended up almost back at square 1 after the break.

Original poster
dandelionwatch · 10/07/2024 09:20

Thanks for the reassurance. I just feel awful giving her to the staff and leaving her wailing Sad

She is a sociable baby and has been going to baby and toddler groups since being a newborn really (older brother!) and she seems to enjoy being around and watching other children so I don’t think it’s the big group that’s a problem. Plus, the baby room isn’t overly busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
dandelionwatch · 10/07/2024 09:22

@Caffeineneedednow - yes, I do think that’s hard in a way as it’s one thing leaving her crying when I have to come to work but when I don’t have to it will be really difficult but I’ll have to! Otherwise it will be devastating in September.

OP posts:
Xmasdaft2023 · 13/07/2024 21:12

Keep going, she will get used to it! It’ll just change one day ☺️

DAZZlanch · 13/07/2024 21:12

Honestly, she’ll be fine. And if you don’t do it now, you’ll have to do it when she goes to school. Is she crying all day? Or just at drop off/pick up? My son still (aged 10) has a weep at drop off but has the best time at school. He just finds the separation part hard. The rest he’s good with. If she’s still crying in three months, maybe reassess. For now, it’s normal. Xx

Funfaxfan · 13/07/2024 21:14

Which days? If she has a long break between days e.g. she doesn't go Friday or Monday so has four days away from nursery, then this might cause problems with getting used to it.

Busby88 · 13/07/2024 21:28

Is it a good nursery? Were you happy when you visited?

My DS was the same and I had the same thoughts as you. He was upset at every drop off for weeks. And every time he’s had a room change the upset has started again.

I almost pulled him out but stick with it and I’m so glad I did. They are the most wonderful, supportive nursery and he absolutely loves it there now. I am heartbroken he is leaving them to go to school in September, as will he be. It’s tough, really tough but you have to work and as long as you’re sure they’re being well looked after and settling after you’ve gone, I wouldn’t worry.

My second has started now and weirdly hasn’t been upset at all, but on the other hand I’ve been so much more relaxed dropping him off as I fully trust that he’ll be looked after and that if he ever did get super upset they’d let me know.

Cocomelon112233 · 13/07/2024 22:05

Our 15 month old at the time took about 6 weeks to settle, he was getting sent home constantly because of spiking a high temp when I think he’d just worked himself up most of the time.
Give it a few months?

TheBerry · 13/07/2024 22:13

Took DS at least two months of tears, but now he absolutely loves it. Would rather be at nursery than at home I think.

Debs2024 · 13/07/2024 22:17

Give it time it is an upheaval in her life and yours You can’t base it on previous give her time

Zanatdy · 13/07/2024 22:19

My Ds who is now almost 20 was inconsolable when he started at 12 months old, 5 days per week. It took over 3wks for him to settle then one day I collected him and his note said he had been the happiest baby there. I cried! Since that day he always loved nursery; he loved school and he now loves Uni. It was a big adjustment and so hard for me knowing he was so unhappy but it soon turned around.

MixedCouple2 · 13/07/2024 22:21

I was awful at nursery in wasnthenonly one who cried and tantrumed. For months! Super introverted and shy child, still am. Took my DM ages to get me "settled". Not forgotten and very traumatised and had a massive impact on me. Nursery is not for everyone. My 2 older DB were fine.

Slippersandrum · 13/07/2024 22:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

HcbSS · 13/07/2024 22:28

3 weeks????? Seriously OP? Babies aren’t little robots that adapt at the drop of a hat. Have you ever started a new job/moved house/ undergone any significant life change and been hunky dory from day 1? Babies have zero reasoning. They need TIME and a bit of patience.

ThankYouFish · 13/07/2024 22:29

It’s still early days, it can take a few months to settle in. My baby was younger when she started (9 months), the first few weeks were horrible with crying at drop off and pick up but it got better after a few weeks and she’s now really happy there, eats really well when she’s there.
Apart from not eating a lot, have the staff said how she is during the day? Is she unsettled the whole time or happy some of it?
Give it time, it’s really hard but she’ll get there.

BlueScrunchies · 13/07/2024 22:37

My DD went to nursery at 7 months and it took about 2 months from the “settling in” sessions for her to be generally happy during the day, her eating and naps evolved more slowly and regressed occasionally but not to a point where I worried. Even now, almost a year later, she can be emotional occasionally at drop off but goes on to have a great day and she has a good bond with the staff too. Don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s very likely things will settle and she has started at a period where separation anxiety is a thing so it might take a little longer for things to settle down.