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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep baby (12 months) in nursery when she’s unhappy?

39 replies

dandelionwatch · 10/07/2024 08:54

Obviously have no desire to make her unhappy Sad but I don’t really know what other options I have.

DD started nursery 3 weeks ago for three days a week. She’s been very unhappy and unsettled: lots of tears at drop off and clinging to me, refusing to eat when she’s there and not taking much milk. Sleep has been erratic and she’s either barely slept or slept for hours and hours. She also cries when I pick her up. I’m a teacher so I don’t give her long days: she’s dropped off at just after 8 and I collect her just before 4.

Leaving work probably isn’t affordable and even if I did the earliest I could leave is Christmas.

I know that people often suggest a childminder but I’m not sure any even have space. Also, I have an older child who is happy and settled at the nursery and two drop offs and pick ups would be tricky to manage (DH can’t help with this; it all falls on me.) But also I am concerned about reliability and I don’t know DH would go for this for this reason. And there’s no guarantee at all she’d settle any better with a childminder.

I really don’t know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Mh67 · 13/07/2024 23:21

3 weeks is nothing it can take months for them to be totally happy. When dropping off your baby do it quickly to minimise distress. And be aware after settling some children can regress for a short period of time. Stick it out you will get there. I have settled hundreds of children and only 1 child actually never settled at all. Good luck

Urgenthelplease · 14/07/2024 00:31

My eldest settled really fast but my youngest was hysterical. I ended up pushing my start date at work 10 weeks. It took so long despite starting really slow with a couple of hours. Honestly she wasn't ready, when I had to go back she seemed fine and I'm glad I had the chance to go from half days to short days.

Speaking of which 8-4 is actually a really long time. I'm exhausted at work by 4 and I start at 9. We've normalised really long days and wrap around care but for most of us being around others is exhausting. If your DH isn't willing to help with drop offs you've no choice but we alternated starting and finishing late so my girls can do 10-4 and often 2 hours of that is spent napping.

Tryingtokeepheadabovewater · 14/07/2024 22:26

I work in a nursery and based in a baby room, I’m sorry you are feeling like this, it so hard to leave your little one especially when they are sad and struggling to settle in, you do question are you doing the right thing. It can take some children a few weeks to settle in, have a chat with the nursery be open with them on how you are feeling, I encourage this in my setting as I think its important for everyone to be open and honest, we also use online journals so we can update this throughout the day with all the little things a child has done, upload photos this will help reassure you throughout the day ….. I do promise it will get easier

Mumofoneandone · 16/07/2024 10:49

Personally, didn't put either of my children in nurseries for various reasons.
However a close friend had a boy, then a girl - boy was fine in his nursery (PT) but it didn't suit little girl. She went to a child minder and was really happy.
Good to hear she isn't doing really long days but she's clearly unhappy and it's affecting her in lots of ways.
Think about/explore other options, for peace of mind if nothing else. She may settle, but she might not.

Elliesmumma · 16/07/2024 11:05

Took my girl about six or seven weeks to settle properly. She was also just shy of 12 months so keep in mind that it’s often peak separation anxiety time for them. Once she realised the nursery people were very nice and we always came to get her at the end of the day she settled in really well, but it was slow going as she is a very sensitive one. I think she got through the worst of the separation anxiety period and then was okay. It sort of happened overnight like most developmental leaps. One week she cried at handover, the next she was reaching out for her key worker and going quite happily. She even started to look really p*ed off if I went to collect her early and ruined her playtime 🤣
Sympathies though. It’s really hard. If you are happy with the nursery give it a bit more time, she’s likely to get there. I do understand how hard it is when you do your best to listen to your instincts and respond to your baby’s needs but then society/finances says “times up, get back to work” just when you’ve built a strong bond and they are finding separation challenging.

WiseBiscuit · 16/07/2024 11:08

Review it in 3 months, it might be the wrong setting but far too early to say. Wait and see.

If you are happy with the nursery then I wouldn’t make any rash decisions yet.

SJC2015 · 16/07/2024 11:44

Personally I would wait 3 months before making any decision. It does eventually get better. Some children take longer than others.

My eldest took 6 months to settle at nursery and youngest 3 months. Eldest refused to nap for weeks and my youngest dropped daytime bottles and refused to eat for weeks. Eventually they found their own pattern. Eldest took longer as he was part time for 2 months to begin with. Youngest went straight to full time after the first week.

NoThanksymm · 16/07/2024 16:35

DH should do at least a drop off/ or pick up!

otherwise kiddo will settle. If older child can attest they are safe and not abused then you are doing good.

WonderfulSkye · 16/07/2024 21:27

Grit your teeth and continue, your child will get used to it. It’s really tough ( I have been there), but it does get better I promise

Stanleycupsarecool · 16/07/2024 21:31

It will get better i promise. Just give it some time. If you can afford/ you work allows could you have half/shorter days? I found that really helped with my daughter setting in.

luw7797 · 16/07/2024 21:37

My baby was the same, 12 months old screaming at drop off and pick up, refusing milk, barely eating solid foods, I was very very close to taking her out. Now at 18 months she’s constantly saying her key workers name, nods her head yes when I say “are you excited to go to nursery”, or “are you gonna have fun with your friends”. Nodding when I ask her “did you have fun today”. No more tears at drop offs, they do loads of outdoor and messy play which she loves. I’m glad I stuck with it because she was such a shy girl before, she used to cling to me at baby groups and cry if I tried to put her down to play, she’s come on so much and so sociable now

Josienpaul · 16/07/2024 21:39

I did do a CM for this reason - also a teacher. Baby is little and they will eventually settle. 3 weeks isn’t long. You know this story time and time again with your pupil. You’ve got this. Baby will be fine. ❤️

Alwaytired44 · 16/07/2024 21:50

dandelionwatch · 10/07/2024 08:54

Obviously have no desire to make her unhappy Sad but I don’t really know what other options I have.

DD started nursery 3 weeks ago for three days a week. She’s been very unhappy and unsettled: lots of tears at drop off and clinging to me, refusing to eat when she’s there and not taking much milk. Sleep has been erratic and she’s either barely slept or slept for hours and hours. She also cries when I pick her up. I’m a teacher so I don’t give her long days: she’s dropped off at just after 8 and I collect her just before 4.

Leaving work probably isn’t affordable and even if I did the earliest I could leave is Christmas.

I know that people often suggest a childminder but I’m not sure any even have space. Also, I have an older child who is happy and settled at the nursery and two drop offs and pick ups would be tricky to manage (DH can’t help with this; it all falls on me.) But also I am concerned about reliability and I don’t know DH would go for this for this reason. And there’s no guarantee at all she’d settle any better with a childminder.

I really don’t know what to do Sad

Three weeks is no time at all. Both my children took months and months to settle at nursery and both ended up loving it!

AgileMentor · 17/07/2024 07:09

She’s only done 12 sessions. My son started in January and had to do half days for a month because he would just scream. He absolutely loves going now and asks me everyday if it’s nursery.

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