School day trips drama

[AliceKeely]

Several months back my 14 year old DD opted to do 4 day trips for her school summer activities week - coming up next week - rather than do a residential. She's pretty quiet with just a couple of good friends who she signed up with after they agreed it between them. Fast forward to final arrangements and the trip is split in two, with her in one cohort and her two pals in the other. So, she's off to a theme park, Go Ape, trampolining etc without them! I did ask for a swap and the teacher did very promptly look into it, but responded it's fully booked, so can't be done, She suggested my daughter go see her to check the trip list and find a friend. DD knows everyone is sorted for friends and is embarrassed to go see teacher to try to 'find her a friend' (she's 14 and I can sympathise!)
I'm not sure what I'm asking really - just AIBU to feel f**ked off on her - and my - behalf? It's supposed to be a fun week, has cost me several hundred quid, and she's pretty stoical but now I can see she's dreading it. I know it's good to face challenges growing up, and yes she might well find some kindly girls to go round with, but school should really have sorted this better. Would anyone stamp their feet more? At least give feedback to sort it better in future? I just feel pissed off! (I mean I LOVE Flamingoland - even at my age - but even I wouldn't want to go round it on my own, especially at 14!!)

Feel for your daughter but coaches/transport are probably the fully booked issue. If you can offer to drive her there to meet them it could be an option. Otherwise the schools hands are tied and there isn't a lot they can do. Maybe ask if on the morning there is a no show or illness that daughter gets that spot.

Surely a swap would be the best option. I'd ask if they can look again and see if there is anyone who'd rather be on your dds trips or swap her friends onto her days. I teach and run this sort of thing. It's a bit of a headache but massively important actually. I think adults are sometimes far too quick to gloss over this kind of thing and assume it'll be fine but I was that kid on occasion and it's agonising.

Oh dear this will be agonising for her at this age! It’s such fun going on these trips with your pals. How did they decide who goes when, was it just random? You’d think they would take friendship groups into consideration although I suppose it’s a nightmare to organise. Maybe there would be kids willing to swap? Does the school have a social media page you or she could ask on?

You are being unreasonable and so is your daughter. You're asking teachers to swap a child into your daughter's situation so your daughter doesn't have to be in that situation!
It takes forever to organise school trips - certain children might have to go with certain adults due to needs etc.
Things like trampolining and go ape have very limited numbers that can go at any one time so it's not like they can just add an extra child.
I think with the activities you've mentioned you might be from my child's school - if so you're being even more unreasonable because it was stated when booking that the activities would be split into groups determined by teachers depending on numbers!
By saying come and see me to see who's in your group the teachers probably already know that there's people in that group your daughter gets on with.

They decide by looking at what adults are going when, so the kids work EHCPs are automatically allocated days when their grown up is going. Then it's friends in pairs not groups of friends up to the amount of people allowed. Go ape only allow 30 kids at any one time, trampolining is usually about the same.
Schools always reiterate don't book an activity because your friends are doing it because you might not be in the same group as them anyway!

If they swap one everyone will be asking for swaps and for things like go ape and trampolining where the companies need the names and heath information in advance it's really not that easy!

So which other child should have to be without their friends to swap your daughter in?

Unless they were told specifically to give the names of other students they would like to be with (and even then it would probably be caveated that this would only be considered and didn't mean they definitely would be together) then it's unfortunate but just what happens

The first three years I was in secondary, all of my closest friends where in one class, and I was in another with a couple of girls who were my "in class friends".

For the 4th year they mixed the classes and put every single one of my friends in one class and me in another. The head of year even copped it a couple of weeks in and laughed at how I really belonged in his class. I was quiet and pretty shy and not happy about it.

But (and I'm sure you know where this is going!), the friend I made in my new class is still my closest friend nearly 30 years on.

Empathise with her, but encourage her to go. It's just individual days, she'll be ok and she might well make new friends.

Ask them to ask another student to swap or you’ll want a refund.

I know what you mean, but imagine getting on the coach as a 14 year old and either sitting on your own or feeling like you are begging for a friend. It’s different in classes because you have more time to build relationships.

I know because I did it! But honestly it's the sort of mildly uncomfortable situation that builds resilience, and the sort of thing we all need to do as adults in lots of different situations. It's not so horrific, and the DD needs to realise it's not horrific and very very survivable. She'll almost definitely have a better time than she thinks she will and giving her an out won't do her any favours in the long term.

Seriously she doesn't know any kids at all on her side kf the groupings. They may not be her 2 best friends but I can't believe she doesn't even know anyone.

I'm a teacher and I'm surprised this has happened.

Whenever we do trips like this we always make sure that everyone is with at least one friend. Nowadays we also use Google Forms before a trip so the kids can nominate a couple of people they'd like to be with (for residentials this is how we sort out rooming) and we would only separate friends if there was a significant reason we felt it would be inappropriate/unsafe for them to be together.

The school has messed up here - we all know how mortifying it is to be a teenager and have no particular friend to sit with on the coach or hang out with all day. We want the kids to have a good time and their wellbeing should be the primary consideration when organising trips. I can well imagine how your daughter will be dreading it.

I'd go back to the school and make it very clear that you're not happy they haven't thought about students' friendship groups. If it's externally booked activities with capped numbers there probably isn't anything they can do about it now - unless someone in the other group is happy to swap or is ill on the day - but I would lodge a complaint with the Head of Year/Trip leader as it may make them think more carefully about how they do the groupings next time. I'd also ask the trip leader to keep an eye on your daughter during the day and ensure she has people to hang out with. If I know a child will have a tough time socially on a trip, I usually have a quiet word with a lovely student and ask them to make sure they include the child I'm worried about within their group. New friendships can then form that way.

It's all very well to say suck it up and get on with it but this sort of thing is huge for a teenager and sometimes adults can really forget the stress and upset young people feel when they have to face a day with people they aren't friends with. Schools do have a responsibility to help young people build resilience, but on a day that's supposed to be a fun treat, it's not really the time or place. More effort should have been made to avoid a situation like this.

I'm lucky that my dd(16) never has any issues doing things without her friends. She often signs up for activities with them and they drop out!! It's happened so often now she has learnt she can enjoy an activity without them.
I do appreciate that all dc aren't like that and I would have thought the teacher would have paired friends together when setting the groups (group of 3 always going to be awkward).

This is clearly very good advice. OP I'd push for your DD.

I teach secondary, I organise day and residential trips all the time. It's perfectly possible.

There might be a child in the other group in the same situation. Would the school allow a swap if the students arranged it themselves and confirmed the swap prior to registers etc being printed?

A girl in my form just had this issue. I wasn't able to sort the change myself, but the teacher arranging the coaches said she could be swapped if a student in the other group agreed to it. (I did look at the group lists and made some suggestions based on my knowledge of friendship groups, but I knew the kids.)

Have a look at the list as the teacher has offered and I’m sure there is someone on there that she knows.

then ask how groups were decided

you can then ask school to consider how they allocate people next time as teachers don’t know who is friends with who in secondary.

make it positive even though you are worried as you can frame it as a learning experience as this situation will happen as an adult. Starting a new job and walking in etc

Do you know what? She did find someone to swap with and they STILL won’t do it! Trip leader (teacher) said she was ok with it but admin organiser said no, I pushed back again to which she replied (in the same email) that she both couldn’t accommodate any of the many swaps people requested - but also that if I’d asked when the allocations were first made it could have been accommodated (I did ask and got no reply). Pfft!! It’s all happening this week coming so it’s too late now. Thanks for the advice and @EnidSpyton I will complain - they do ask for dorm preferences etc for the many residential trips they do - it’s a great school for that. - so they just need to sort this out. It’s not hard. It was a lot of money I shelled out for this too! DS being stoical and she’ll be there on Monday smiling (with her headphones in her bag! :-( )

Yes that was what I thought might be good - if they could just state a preference for one friend at the time of booking. I am not suggesting another child should be on their own at all. I’d never do that!

This exact thing happened to me at 14! I did all the day trips and actually had a really good time. I chatted to others but also did my own thing. I was very, very shy at that age and uncomfortable but I think it was the first step to feeling more independent as I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I recently went to a similar theme park with a group of childten and a few chose to go off themselves, they were adamant they were happy and at the end of the trip they had managed to do way more as they got to only go where they wanted. I hope your daughter manages to have a good time and looks back fondly on it like I still do

I’d

1. ask again
2. see how the first trip goes
3. ring in sick for her if it doesn’t go well

@AliceKeely I’m sorry the school are being so unhelpful - if other people want to swap then that tells them they mucked up the groupings and need to do better next time. It’s really not on to organise several days of trips out and not think more carefully about ensuring students are with their friends. I’m glad your daughter has a positive attitude and is going regardless - I hope she still has a really good time.

and @Welshmonster yes at secondary school teachers do still know students’ friendship groups. Some of us will have better knowledge of the dynamics of particular year groups over others depending on who we teach and for which year group we’re a form tutor, but by and large, if we teach a year group, we are pretty clued up to the social dynamics within it. Not a lot gets past us when it comes to friendship or romantic drama! And the head of year or comparable role will definitely know all the kids and who gets on with who (and who doesn’t!), so they should always be consulted on trip listings.

They're a group of 3 so just asking for one friend wouldn't work?

They can’t make everyone happy (her other two friends are together - would she prefer to take one of their spaces and leave the other one on their own as that’s ultimately what you are asking … for another child to be in that situation) and it’s a good life lesson (any I’m sure school said not to choose for friends as everything my son does says that)

the fact the teacher said to go see them and review the list suggests there is someone else on their they think they are friendly with (even if not ‘best’ friends)

send her to the teacher to see the list, work out who she can hang out with for the day and before they break up she could engage with them mentioning the trip so it’s natural to walk up to them at the coach